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Old 07-29-2008, 10:01 AM   #31
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Saphellae, love is wonderful but when fear by a loved one starts to control our actions, it moves out of the area of love and more into control and manipulation. Which is truly worse, running into an ex or having life controlled by the fears of another?

I don't mean to minimize your distress and really do see how stressful this is on you but take a step back and use your head, not your heart. Being willing to spend 3 hours on the road - not unless you were paid for it. I do it everyday and wouldn't unless I saw the dollar signs at each mile marker. Moving to a worse, drug infested neighborhood - not unless I was a social worker and trying to save those around me.

I have not gotten the impression that you are afraid to run into this guy. It seems it would be more of an irritation than a fear for you. If this is the case, say you do move, spend the 3 hours in the car everyday, live in fear of the situation outside of your house (due to the drugs and violence you mentioned) and spend more money than you could afford on the rent. How long will it be until you resent the position you are in? It seems to me, that would be more damaging to your relationship with Nick than telling him to man up and realize you are with him, not your ex.
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Old 07-29-2008, 10:40 AM   #32
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I agree with JMediger I think you are jumping the gun here and it sounds like you are putting yourself in a much worse position if you move to a crap neighborhood. Personally I would stay put and you both knew your ex was most likely still living there. As I said before if he wants to make problems for you he can do it where ever you live. Both of you need to get a grip here and act like adults. Right now you are letting this make both of you miserable over something that you think might happen. Most likely your ex is so over you and has moved on a long time ago.
So would you rather deal with something that is not likely to happen or do you really think moving to a drug infested neighborhood will be that much better? The chances that one or both of you getting hurt or mugged or apt broken into or your cars damaged or stolen etc and just the general feeling of uneasiness will cause a lot more stress for the both of you in the long run. I would think Nick would not want you living in a place of squalor and dementia totally vulnerable to the whims of a bunch of desperate people. Not to mention the filth and stench. That would depress me to no end and would definitely put a huge strain on any relationship.
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Old 07-29-2008, 11:39 AM   #33
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It's simple.
If Nick isn't comfy living that close, then you have to find a new place.
Foo on any other reason; THAT is the important one.
You can assert your independence, freedom and maturity some other time...
Now is the time to attend to the long term happiness of you and Nick!
Good decision!
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Old 07-29-2008, 11:56 AM   #34
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Originally Posted by quicksilver View Post
I disagree, Adillo. She is, or should be in control. It is she, if she chooses not to be, and gives up that power to someone, anyone else, that will have to live with other's decisions. You can choose to make mountains out of molehills or not. But we, here, don't really know if they are imagined or real mountains. Only she has ability to decide that.
Quicksilver, I think we are sort of agreeing. I agree with everything you said, What I am meaning about not being in control, is if cancelling the lease is HER wish, then she needs an affirmative answer from someone else. How she handles her life is definately hers to choose.

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Old 07-29-2008, 05:53 PM   #35
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Well, maybe my opinion here is not a very popular one but running into ex's is all a part of life and growing up. If one fears running into ex's - - - - yikes! Unless, of course, there was violence involved. If there was no violence then I'm not sure what the problem is. OK, you don't like him. You don't have to talk to/acknowledge him. I don't exactly know how to word this without it sounding really bad, but, here goes...if Nick chooses NOT to move there with you because of an ex, who has shown no ill will since you broke up, who now lives 3 doors down...mmmm...he's got some growing up to do. Maybe I'm just different. Once you start vocalizing "predictions" it becomes dangerous, especially if there is a lot of insecurity involved. I seriously doubt he'll leave pictures of the two of you at your doorstep but what if he did? It would be childish and immature of him.

I hope you come back and let us know what you decide. I know I ran my mouth but you can't let other people run your lives. You and Nick should feel secure enough in each other to not worry about stuff like this. Maybe my take on this comes from having lived in small towns all my life. Anybody can be anyplace around here and probably run into 3 or 4 ex boyfriends/girlfriends at any given time. The only one I try to avoid at all costs is the one that held a gun to my forehead.
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Old 07-29-2008, 06:11 PM   #36
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Well, maybe my opinion here is not a very popular one but running into ex's is all a part of life and growing up. If one fears running into ex's - - - - yikes! Unless, of course, there was violence involved. If there was no violence then I'm not sure what the problem is. OK, you don't like him. You don't have to talk to/acknowledge him. I don't exactly know how to word this without it sounding really bad, but, here goes...if Nick chooses NOT to move there with you because of an ex, who has shown no ill will since you broke up, who now lives 3 doors down...mmmm...he's got some growing up to do. Maybe I'm just different. Once you start vocalizing "predictions" it becomes dangerous, especially if there is a lot of insecurity involved. I seriously doubt he'll leave pictures of the two of you at your doorstep but what if he did? It would be childish and immature of him.

I hope you come back and let us know what you decide. I know I ran my mouth but you can't let other people run your lives. You and Nick should feel secure enough in each other to not worry about stuff like this. Maybe my take on this comes from having lived in small towns all my life. Anybody can be anyplace around here and probably run into 3 or 4 ex boyfriends/girlfriends at any given time. The only one I try to avoid at all costs is the one that held a gun to my forehead.
I agree with you and what really bothers me if they both would give up deposits etc and go live in a bad part of town and totally compromise their lives just because the ex is there. I have a few ex's ok alot in my life "so what" dos not mean I will change my plans because they live where I live. I would think Nick for sure would want to be in the picture as soon as possible and just deal with it. I'm completely miffed because it would not ever be an issue at all for me unless the ex is a nut case. In fact I'm good friends with some of my exes. Sounds like a lot of insecurity going on here.
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Old 07-29-2008, 06:29 PM   #37
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she hasn't lost anything but a little time. hope she will let lease go.

babe

She is losing a lot actually. A steady $$ stream.
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Old 07-29-2008, 07:25 PM   #38
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Thanks for the advice everyone. Some of you missed the mark on the situation, but I appreciate it all the same. :)
So we are keeping the apartment. The landlord didn't even know who I was talking about when I mentioned my fears, saying she had never seen him around except for just the vehicle. That eases my fear a bit when I think about meeting him on the street. I'm sure Nick and I will be just fine living there.
HUNH? I think most of us were on the same page.
But glad you came to your senses, and realized the important thing is to move on, together.
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Old 07-29-2008, 07:30 PM   #39
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Holy poop I just totally erased my entire post... lol... I hate when that happens!

I don't feel like typing it all in again.. :(

Thanks for the advice everyone. Some of you missed the mark on the situation, but I appreciate it all the same. :)

So we are keeping the apartment. The landlord didn't even know who I was talking about when I mentioned my fears, saying she had never seen him around except for just the vehicle. That eases my fear a bit when I think about meeting him on the street. I'm sure Nick and I will be just fine living there.

How could I give up such a great deal anyways? I'm paying 750 for everything.. use of the laundry 2 days a week, internet, cable, heat, hydro, ac, parking... Plus Nick and I will be able to save up enough money for a house within two years. Pretty much our only expense is food and misc stuff.

I "move" in on Saturday. I'll only have the bare minimums (my old bed, bare kitchen necessities like my henkel pots, my computer possibly on a desk if i can find a cheapie used...thats about it). Nick will join me as soon as he can. He has already applied for a transfer in the military so it is only a matter of time now.

:)
I'm so happy you are staying. Don't worry about running into ex just say Hi make a little small talk and let him know you are here with your fiancee. No big deal. Sounds like the apt is a sweet deal and just continue with your plans. If any problem should come up later deal with it then. I'm sure it's gonna be great.
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