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Old 12-30-2011, 08:02 AM   #1571
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Originally Posted by PrincessFiona60 View Post
CWS, think about who it was that used to call you. I bet it was your Mom and now she has Dementia. Call them and ask them how their Christmas was.
Unfortunately, I always called them. I have a US cell phone that is a local call for them--bought that the last time I was there, put time on it every month just in case--they don't call me on it, even though it is free for them. My brother gets a call every Sunday (which isn't free). I only get called when my mom is in the hospital.
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Old 12-30-2011, 08:12 AM   #1572
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The cookies I held back were good <g>. Ironically, my best friend's company paid for the shipping because I took them (the cookies) to CT. Why is my BGF and her husband more like family than my own?

Is thoughtfulness going to earn me a place in Heaven? Probably not, I haven't been that good...but the hurt is profound. For those who have children that come to visit, send things--please call and thank them--even if your relationship with your children is difficult and doing so is awkward. They probably are hurting that the relationship isn't better and want to make it so, but don't know how. You don't have to send a gift or money--just let them know you love them and that your heart was touched by the gesture.

My parents made me write "thank you" notes when I received something (even if I didn't like it--the tighty whitey underwear my paternal grandmother gave me when I was five comes to mind--I'm female--wasn't impressed, but then, that's another relationship story), why don't my parents send a thank you card for the things I send or do? Does it mean they don't love me or that they expect me to do these things without having to thank me? I know, I'm being petty--but I'm hurt.
May I join the club? My grown daughter in her 40's out in the Midwest has not acknowledged the birthday gift I sent her back in November. I'd be happy with an email. We used to exchange emails, but that just dropped off the map. She didn't answer my last groveling plea for a reply. My usual Christmas gift is a check, but this year I just didn't send it - hoping that would bring some sort of rise. So far not a durned word. She visited me for several days last August and everything was wonderful - we had a great time, so I don't think she's angry about anything. This atmosphere was about the same last spring before she announced her visit, so I'm not really worried about her. Concerned, but not worried.

To borrow your sentiment: I know, I'm being petty -- but I'm hurt.
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Old 12-30-2011, 08:35 AM   #1573
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Okay--I shouldn't be bitter...but I spend 3-4 months taking care of my mom every year so my dad can do his things. This is not something I can really afford to do--but I want to spend time with my mom while she still remembers me. I sent a box of Christmas baking. I didn't get a call on Christmas, I didn't get a card. I can't help but being hurt. Why couldn't they pick up the phone and call? The phone works both ways. Am I being petty by being hurt that I didn't get a call telling me the cookies arrived? Or to wish me Merry Christmas? Is that too much to ask (or expect)?
Send them a guilty letter asking if they got the cookies, how were they, etc. Then close with "You don't have to respond if you are too busy with your life."

They won't forget next year.
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Old 12-30-2011, 08:46 AM   #1574
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Oh--I haven't gotten a card or call for 6-7 years. It hurts. My uncle (my dad's brother) calls me on Christmas and my birthday, but my parents don't. Yet, when I'm there, I'm "the good daughter" (given I'm the only daughter...). It really hurts. I don't want/need gifts, but a call would be nice. They don't have email. My dad sends letters to third-cousins in Norway, but I don't get any letters and I do send letters to them about 1x per month. It just hurts. I know they are old, but it still hurts.
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Old 12-30-2011, 08:57 AM   #1575
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Oh--I haven't gotten a card or call for 6-7 years. It hurts. My uncle (my dad's brother) calls me on Christmas and my birthday, but my parents don't. Yet, when I'm there, I'm "the good daughter" (given I'm the only daughter...). It really hurts. I don't want/need gifts, but a call would be nice. They don't have email. My dad sends letters to third-cousins in Norway, but I don't get any letters and I do send letters to them about 1x per month. It just hurts. I know they are old, but it still hurts.
Have you ever told them how you feel? Remember nonby is a mindreader.
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Old 12-30-2011, 09:10 AM   #1576
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CWS, don't think of your place in heaven ... yeah, that might be nice. but being a martyr is no fun. Think about when you get up in the morning and you can look at yourself in the mirror and know you're a good person. I hate to say it, yeah, we might get run over by a truck tomorrow morning, but heaven's a bit of a way off. At 53 you might still have 40 years to go! Trudge on through this, looking for the light at the end of a tunnel. At one point in my life I thought I was going to go from my husband's parents to mine to my husband. In fact, my husband's passed on, mine are doing fine without me (they miss me, but moving away was the best thing I could do), and my husband's health is good. So I'm living in the moment.
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Old 12-30-2011, 09:52 AM   #1577
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I have less and less contact with my family as the years pass. Nothing has sparked this, it just gradually became this way. I think my mother has become indifferent and I can see that in all areas of her life. So, I don't take it personally. I think she is depressed and doesn't feel well most of the time, so probably lives in a negative state of mind. I love her as always, but I have my own road to hoe, so, I am pre occupied as much as her. I think we all yearn for the days when things were more social and we saw each other in many happier environments. We tend to remember the "good old days" and forget the bad or mediocre memories. We have to continue to make our own good memories with our friends and family, in whatever form they may be. Because, after all, we will be memories ourselves, soon enough.

Maybe you should give them a call, and after a few minutes I'll bet that all of this anxiety will melt away and you will be having a good old laugh in no time. And, you will feel much better for it.

Be well.
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Old 12-30-2011, 11:09 AM   #1578
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I will put in my two cents on this one!

I grew up in a family that was ruled by my paternal grandmother. She made all of the plans for family holidays and she rallied the family when anyone had an emergency. We all loved her, respected her and some feared her but, we all got in line and did our part. When she passed away our family sort of drifted apart through apathy more than anything else. Now I only see my brothers and sisters when someone dies. My sister calls me a couple of times a year and I call her a couple of times. When my mother was alive she never called me. She thought that was my responsibility! I made a point of calling her once a week at the same time so I would not forget and that continued until her death. I am glad I made the calls. I also made a point of not missing any chance to assist her with daily living, appointments etc. Now that she is gone I feel I did my part and I listen to my sister mope about the things she should have said or done. So all I can tell you is say what you need to say and do what you need to do.
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Old 12-30-2011, 11:23 AM   #1579
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CWS, think about who it was that used to call you. I bet it was your Mom and now she has Dementia. Call them and ask them how their Christmas was.
I think I replied to post about this a week or so ago. CWS, I thought you were kidding about the cookies in the bathroom. I'm sooooo sorry. I feel like a real jerk right now.
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Old 12-30-2011, 12:12 PM   #1580
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Originally Posted by Aunt Bea
I will put in my two cents on this one!

I grew up in a family that was ruled by my paternal grandmother. She made all of the plans for family holidays and she rallied the family when anyone had an emergency. We all loved her, respected her and some feared her but, we all got in line and did our part. When she passed away our family sort of drifted apart through apathy more than anything else. Now I only see my brothers and sisters when someone dies. My sister calls me a couple of times a year and I call her a couple of times. When my mother was alive she never called me. She thought that was my responsibility! I made a point of calling her once a week at the same time so I would not forget and that continued until her death. I am glad I made the calls. I also made a point of not missing any chance to assist her with daily living, appointments etc. Now that she is gone I feel I did my part and I listen to my sister mope about the things she should have said or done. So all I can tell you is say what you need to say and do what you need to do.
I am right there with you Aunt Bea. I have called my dad every Sunday since my mom died. It is not that I always have something to say, but sometimes he has something to say and doesn't call me. This way I know that when I have regrets, not talking to my dad is not one of them. He is one to hold grudges against family members for silly things and I don't ever want to be that way. I just call people when I feel the need for me. I take care of me. It seems to work, and I don't get concerned about wether or not someone calls me-I just call them.
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