Petty Vents

[taxlady]

Sorry to read about the sewage problem Roadfix. I have had a basement flooded from a sewer backup and it was no fun.

 

[Sprout]

Let me preface this by saying that I really, truly appreciate the sympathy and empathy shown to new mothers. I also really appreciate the help and advice given to us. I don't want to sound ungrateful, because really, I am grateful. My sister-in-law just gave birth to her first and throughout her pregnancy and now with a newborn, has occasionally posted things on Facebook out of frustration. She rarely complains, but has had a rough pregnancy and has let show a couple of times. Often they are posts that are just asking if anyone has any advice. There are three phrases that I have seen over and over in response to her posts and those of a few other pregnant/new mother friends that drive me crazy. I rarely get offended and to be honest, these don't actually offend me, they just annoy the heck out of me. They are:
1. "Better get some sleep now, because once the baby comes, you won't get any."
2. "Just wait until..." (closely related to "If you think that's bad...")
3. "Welcome to motherhood."

I'm pretty sure I've even said some of these before and I know most people don't mean anything by them, but here's why they drive me crazy:
1. "Better sleep now..." This usually directly follows a comment from the pregnant mother about how she's having trouble sleeping (and usually the pregnant mother's comment was in response to a question about whether or not she's sleeping well).
a. I'm pretty sure she already knows that newborns are the bearers of sleep-deprivation.
b. She didn't just say she's not sleeping well because she's out partying or watching infomercials. She said she's trying and it's not working.
c. Sleep isn't something you can squirrel away like acorns for a long winter. If she sleeps 16 hours uninterrupted every night from now until the baby is born, she will still be exhausted when the baby comes.

2."Just wait until..."
We all know that teenagers are a thousand times more stressful than toddlers and four-year-olds are stronger and therefore can throw more destructive tantrums than 2-year-olds and toddlers throwing temper tantrums are more embarrassing than crying babies, but when a crying baby seems impossible to sooth, it seems plenty stressful right now! New moms don't need to hear all about how much worse it's going to be in a couple years.

3. "Welcome to motherhood."
I even understand the sentiment behind this one. When a friend or someone you watched grow up (or a child you raised yourself, though I've never been in the position myself) is going through some of the classic new mom frustrations, you think back almost fondly on when you went through the same thing. You smile and maybe you chuckle and then you type something like this. It comes from a bit of sympathy, a bit of nostalgia, a bit of relief that you're past that stage and, if we're being honest, a tiny bit of amusement that they're in that stage. For some reason though, every time I read it or hear it, it seems incredibly condescending. For whatever reason this one really gets under my skin. The little passive aggressive person inside my head (whom I try my best to keep locked up) just screams, "So nice of you to welcome her, because now that she's dealt with a screaming baby all night/a poo blowout/a baby with day and night reversed/another extremely frustrating situation, she's really a mom. Because, you know, carrying a baby for nine months and then pushing 8 pounds of human out of her *** doesn't make her a mother. Nor does falling in love with a tiny little person and feeding and nurturing her child. Sleep deprivation and getting pooped on does." I got welcomed to motherhood just a few weeks ago after posting something out of frustration. That little passive aggressive jerk piped up inside my skull, "Thanks. Now please explain to me why the past three years don't count." This is the one that got me thinking about all the others and sparked this vent. My SIL posted asking for advice the other day and three, three separate women commenting on the same exact post decided that rather than giving her advice, or even simply saying "Sorry, I know it's rough. I hope it gets better soon," they would just slap out a good old "Welcome to Motherhood."

Like I said, I appreciate sympathy, empathy, advice, concern, and all other forms of help for a new mom. I would never say any of these things to someone who thinks they're helping, or being clever, or whatever, which is why I'm posting them here, so they ever pop out of my mouth there. I just wish sometimes people would think a little more before piping up. I think it should be taught in schools. In general before speaking to anyone, but also specifically before speaking to a pregnant woman, and like I said, I'm guilty as well. All we have to do is think, "Is what I'm about to say incredibly obvious? Will it depress her about the future? Will it really only serve my own amusement?" If so, rethink and find something constructive to say. There. I just wrote the lesson. Do we have any curriculum-writers here who could work on getting this into our schools? Whew. I feel better now.

 

[blissful]

Sprout, sometimes serious depression follows pregnancy, sometimes serious illness follows pregnancy. In our country, no one takes it seriously and really facebook is not taken seriously, it's the wrong venue for help. In the UK, serious depression following pregnancy is taken seriously.
She might need a little extra help, to get some sleep or some medical help or both.
I'm not seeing any hope of retraining the general public in being sensitive. I'm sorry.

 

[taxlady]

I think the worst one I ever heard was when I lost my baby at five months of pregnancy, "It's probably for the best."

 

[kadesma]

I think the worst one I ever heard was when I lost my baby at five months of pregnancy, "It's probably for the best."

And a remark like that would let them see my back as I walked out the door with a very big go to!!!!! What a rude horrid thing to say.
kades

 

[Dawgluver]

And a remark like that would let them see my back as I walked out the door with a very big go to!!!!! What a rude horrid thing to say.
kades

+1

 

[taxlady]

And a remark like that would let them see my back as I walked out the door with a very big go to!!!!! What a rude horrid thing to say.
kades

Actually, I "let loose" on the person. I realize that she actually meant to be kind. She was thinking the baby would have been deformed and that maybe that would make me less sad, that I lost him.

Sometimes people can be so oblivious.

 

[Four String Chef]

I think the worst one I ever heard was when I lost my baby at five months of pregnancy, "It's probably for the best."

That is a rough thing to say to someone in that situation. My mother had a 6 month miscarriage before me; I was supposed to be the youngest, my parents only wanted two. They tried again in the thought of just two. I was born; three years later my little brother was born. I can't say much for myself but I don't know what I would do without my brother. If the first try was successful, I would never have had him in my life and to think of my life without our relationship is a life I don't want to live. I know it was horrid for my parents to go threw such a thing but for me, "Its probably for the best", really was. I say this to you not to undermine your griefs but to tell you that sometimes awful things only seem awful when they happen. Its hard to see what's happening when one is on the inside of a situation. I mean all this with respect.

Cheers.

 

[taxlady]

That is a rough thing to say to someone in that situation. My mother had a 6 month miscarriage before me; I was supposed to be the youngest, my parents only wanted two. They tried again in the thought of just two. I was born; three years later my little brother was born. I can't say much for myself but I don't know what I would do without my brother. If the first try was successful, I would never have had him in my life and to think of my life without our relationship is a life I don't want to live. I know it was horrid for my parents to go threw such a thing but for me, "Its probably for the best", really was. I say this to you not to undermine your griefs but to tell you that sometimes awful things only seem awful when they happen. Its hard to see what's happening when one is on the inside of a situation. I mean all this with respect.

Cheers.

Oh, I understand about how sometimes awful things turn out to have decent consequences. I might not be married to my wonderful Stirling if I hadn't had that still birth. We had been friends for 8 years. He went out of his way to look me up, when he heard about the still birth (he was a friend of my ex). He figured I could use the support of another friend. That led to us getting together

 

[Barbara L]

I think the worst one I ever heard was when I lost my baby at five months of pregnancy, "It's probably for the best."

When a friend's baby died at age 4 months, someone said to her, "I know how you feel because my dog just died."

 

[taxlady]

When a friend's baby died at age 4 months, someone said to her, "I know how you feel because my dog just died."

As I said, oblivious.

 

[Merlot]

I have a child related vent myself. Most of you know I work as a therapist in a nursing home. I have two co- workers with children that are a couple of years younger then mine. When we get a new resident in that has something contagious one of the girls always mentions that the patient needs to be put on my schedule since their children do not have their immune system built up "as much as mine". (the other co- worker never says anything)

Follow your freaking precautions already and if someone is going to catch something, I don't want to take it home to my child anymore then you do. I chose this job and it doesn't bother me, I have done it for 12 years now without issues but for her to always say that really annoys me

 

[CWS4322]

I think the worst one I ever heard was when I lost my baby at five months of pregnancy, "It's probably for the best."

What a horrible thing to say. It is never for the best and there is always a hole left in one's heart. You needed your mom, I hope she came to be with you.

 

[Skittle68]

That is a rough thing to say to someone in that situation. My mother had a 6 month miscarriage before me; I was supposed to be the youngest, my parents only wanted two. They tried again in the thought of just two. I was born; three years later my little brother was born. I can't say much for myself but I don't know what I would do without my brother. If the first try was successful, I would never have had him in my life and to think of my life without our relationship is a life I don't want to live. I know it was horrid for my parents to go threw such a thing but for me, "Its probably for the best", really was. I say this to you not to undermine your griefs but to tell you that sometimes awful things only seem awful when they happen. Its hard to see what's happening when one is on the inside of a situation. I mean all this with respect.

Cheers.

My Grandma had a really hard time having kids (C-sentions were a big deal 60 years ago), so after she had two girls and a boy, she quit. Unfortunately Cliffy died when he was two, so she had one more. That last child was my dad. If Cliffy hadn't died, I wouldn't be here...


On a side note, WHO, has my perfect, angelic, helpful bf been talking to??? Today, I asked him to cut up some mushrooms while I was making hand made ravioli, french bread, and sauce, and he cut them up and practically ran out of the kitchen, calling behind him, "There, the mushrooms are cut!" He was gone so fast my head spun lol

 

[taxlady]

What a horrible thing to say. It is never for the best and there is always a hole left in one's heart. You needed your mom, I hope she came to be with you.

No, my sister paid for my ticket to come stay with her. She was the one who seemed to really understand.

My mum lived near my sister. I spent the day with her. We went for a walk. We met a young woman with a baby. My mum (who adored all children) oohed and ahed about the baby. Then, my mum started saying stuff like, "Isn't that a gorgeous baby?" "Yes." (Imagine a very abrupt tone of voice.) I couldn't believe she was making pay attention to a baby. I didn't say anything else, because it wasn't that young woman's fault that I was in a state. It had been bad enough taking the bus, which stopped at Disneyland and picked up lots of happy families. I closed my eyes and pretended I couldn't hear the kids. It took months before I could hear babies or young children without bursting into tears.

 

[LPBeier]

Oh my, I have tears in my eyes at these stories of losing children and people being heartless. I was never able to have a child and for many years this fact really bothered me. I felt I was being cheated and it was not a topic I wanted to discuss. My mother had 12 pregnancies (I was number 11) and three births were successful, though my middle sister died before I was born at age three. The last pregnancy was a boy who Mom felt stopped moving on my first birthday and was stillborn at 7 months a few days later. A "friend" of the family told me to not be so sad that I have no children "because at least you didn't have to go though all that your mother did to have you". Thanks lady!

 

[Skittle68]

Oh my, I have tears in my eyes at these stories of losing children and people being heartless. I was never able to have a child and for many years this fact really bothered me. I felt I was being cheated and it was not a topic I wanted to discuss. My mother had 12 pregnancies (I was number 11) and three births were successful, though my middle sister died before I was born at age three. The last pregnancy was a boy who Mom felt stopped moving on my first birthday and was stillborn at 7 months a few days later. A "friend" of the family told me to not be so sad that I have no children "because at least you didn't have to go though all that your mother did to have you". Thanks lady!

People just don't have a clue. I'm so sorry you were never able to have a child. I'm sure your mom considers every ounce of pain worth it.

 

[taxlady]

Oh my, I have tears in my eyes at these stories of losing children and people being heartless. I was never able to have a child and for many years this fact really bothered me. I felt I was being cheated and it was not a topic I wanted to discuss. My mother had 12 pregnancies (I was number 11) and three births were successful, though my middle sister died before I was born at age three. The last pregnancy was a boy who Mom felt stopped moving on my first birthday and was stillborn at 7 months a few days later. A "friend" of the family told me to not be so sad that I have no children "because at least you didn't have to go though all that your mother did to have you". Thanks lady!

The things people say, when they don't stop to think...

 

[LPBeier]

People just don't have a clue. I'm so sorry you were never able to have a child. I'm sure your mom considers every ounce of pain worth it.

Don't be sorry. I am blessed with probably 100 or more children over the years through youth groups, cooking at summer camp, and even working as a nanny. Some of my "kids" have married (I made many of their cakes) and I even have a few grand "kids"! I hated Mother's day because I wasn't one and my Mother passed away 17 years ago from cancer (yes, she was grateful for the children she had). Then I started getting flowers and cards from these young people and I realized that I didn't have to give birth to be a Mother at Heart.

Yes, I would love to have had a child with my husband, but we married late in life and I am so thankful I did not have any with my ex.!

 

[LPBeier]

The things people say, when they don't stop to think...

I'm sorry that you had your experience, TL. It is bad enough when it is a non family member, but for your Mom to not think would be really hard.