Petty Vents

[Claire]

Don't be sorry. I am blessed with probably 100 or more children over the years through youth groups, cooking at summer camp, and even working as a nanny. Some of my "kids" have married (I made many of their cakes) and I even have a few grand "kids"! I hated Mother's day because I wasn't one and my Mother passed away 17 years ago from cancer (yes, she was grateful for the children she had). Then I started getting flowers and cards from these young people and I realized that I didn't have to give birth to be a Mother at Heart.

Yes, I would love to have had a child with my husband, but we married late in life and I am so thankful I did not have any with my ex.!

I am childless-by-choice (and also very, very glad I didn't have children by my first marriage!), and was so touched a few years ago when a 9 year old neighbor rang on the door-bell, handed me a rose and a home-made card. Her mother told me that she thought it was sad that no one would give me something for Mothers' Day, so she declared it "Best Neighbor Day"! Needless to say, very teary eyed!

 

[Barbara L]

I am childless-by-choice (and also very, very glad I didn't have children by my first marriage!), and was so touched a few years ago when a 9 year old neighbor rang on the door-bell, handed me a rose and a home-made card. Her mother told me that she thought it was sad that no one would give me something for Mothers' Day, so she declared it "Best Neighbor Day"! Needless to say, very teary eyed!

That was so nice!

 

[Claire]

Right now my main grumble is that I had the hip surgery 3 weeks ago .... am recovering very well according to my PCP, surgeon, and PT. I've seen a lot of progress. BUT, that said, I'm almost in tears with the frustration of having to be inactive, not being able to drive. Three weeks ago I was taking 3-5 hour-long exercise classes a week, walking up a down our very steep streets, driving around to run all our errands, helping out a couple of elderly friends twice a week. Now I have no idea when I'll be able to get back to any of this (well, the surgeon said i can try driving in an empty parking lot and start on the street when I feel secure in my speed from foot on accelerator to brake (It would be my right leg). I read a lot, but am not big on TV. I've gotten back to doing most of my household chores (except gardening, not steady enough for our rough, slanted, terraced yard). But what I am able to do exhausts me, so I drift off to sleep during the day, then am up all night. I'm still sleeping on the couch because I'm only sleeping a few hours a night, and that in one-hour increments. No reason to keep my husband awake and have him grouchy the next day.

I'm a person who's rarely bored, but I am literally becoming bored to tears of frustration. I'm trying to pick up an old hobby (beadwork) to ease it a little.

Sorry for going on ....

 

[buckytom]

sadly, there is definitely a culture of how childless adults are treated as somehow less equal.

before we had my son, i was often scheduled to work "family" type holidays, or really crappy hours as a normal thing because, as it was directly described to me by my supervisors and managers, that "i didn't have the same resonsibilities as guys/gals with kids.

excuse me? i had a family. i have parents, and siblings, and nieces/nephews. i have friends, and i have a life no less worth living than theirs.

it's a type of discrimination that is just as bad as gender or religious bias. i doubt it will ever change, though. people with kids seem to think their lives are jyst better, no matter what they produced nor how well they've acted as parents.

now, as an older parent, those same bosses/supv's have grown children, and i love to ask them how their kids are doing when i know that certain children of theirs are having problems. drugs, jail, lethargy, adult professional video gamers (lol), teen age pregnancies, etc., etc..

i know it's petty andi i should be above it with the blessings that i've had in my life - both before becoming a parent and after, but i'll certainly never forget how i was treated for many years, and i'll certainly never treat anyone that way.

 

[CWS4322]

No, my sister paid for my ticket to come stay with her. She was the one who seemed to really understand.

My mum lived near my sister. I spent the day with her. We went for a walk. We met a young woman with a baby. My mum (who adored all children) oohed and ahed about the baby. Then, my mum started saying stuff like, "Isn't that a gorgeous baby?" "Yes." (Imagine a very abrupt tone of voice.) I couldn't believe she was making pay attention to a baby. I didn't say anything else, because it wasn't that young woman's fault that I was in a state. It had been bad enough taking the bus, which stopped at Disneyland and picked up lots of happy families. I closed my eyes and pretended I couldn't hear the kids. It took months before I could hear babies or young children without bursting into tears.

Sorry--glad your sister understood.

 

[Four String Chef]

Oh, I understand about how sometimes awful things turn out to have decent consequences. I might not be married to my wonderful Stirling if I hadn't had that still birth. We had been friends for 8 years. He went out of his way to look me up, when he heard about the still birth (he was a friend of my ex). He figured I could use the support of another friend. That led to us getting together

Good.

 

[blissful]

I'm so sorry so many have had pain surrounding having children, not having children and losing children. We each have our own pains to bear. It doesn't make anything easier, does it? All we can really do is be thoughtful and kind to each other.

On a side note, WHO, has my perfect, angelic, helpful bf been talking to??? Today, I asked him to cut up some mushrooms while I was making hand made ravioli, french bread, and sauce, and he cut them up and practically ran out of the kitchen, calling behind him, "There, the mushrooms are cut!" He was gone so fast my head spun lol

You know WHO! It's you know who. It's a club they join.

 

[Sprout]

I'm a person who's rarely bored, but I am literally becoming bored to tears of frustration. I'm trying to pick up an old hobby (beadwork) to ease it a little.

Sorry for going on ....

No need to apologize. That sounds miserable! I thought I was going to go crazy after I had my first daughter (had some minor complications that kept me from doing much for a bit longer than usual) and that was only about 2 months! I can imagine how sick of this you must be getting! I hope you heal up fully and quickly, even if quickly seems pretty relative.

 

[blissful]

sadly, there is definitely a culture of how childless adults are treated as somehow less equal.

...excuse me? i had a family. i have parents, and siblings, and nieces/nephews. i have friends, and i have a life no less worth living than theirs....

I in no way want to demean or degrade your experience. I know that what you say has happened to you. I've come to the conclusion that it is --company--or --department-- dependent.
It's not everywhere, it's not the entire culture that is that way. Don't despair, it's not that way everywhere.

I worked for a department (it may have been the whole company) that made the single women with children work the holidays. Not the newest employee (single male), not the most senior employee (single male). Their reasoning was this: She NEEDS the job, she won't complain because she should be GRATEFUL she even has a job and she has children and a home and HAS NO CHOICE. Besides, when are the single males supposed to socialize? They (males) are entitled to that at least.

 

[Alix]

before we had my son, i was often scheduled to work "family" type holidays, or really crappy hours as a normal thing because, as it was directly described to me by my supervisors and managers, that "i didn't have the same resonsibilities as guys/gals with kids.

Sooo...you work GOOD shifts now? Your job sounds really hard to me BT, the fact that you can juggle so much to be with your wife and son with the hours you work is astounding and awe inspiring to me.

In response to all of you who have lost a child in some way or another I'm so sorry. My heart aches for you all. We have friends who've lost babies and it really bothered them when folks wouldn't acknowledge it as a loss ("well the baby wasn't born yet") or when they would refuse to see the very real pain people were in. Why are we so uncomfortable with grief and loss? It baffles me that instead of offering a hug, ear, an "I'm sorry" to someone who is grieving, we will try to distract them, or pretend we don't know what happened or offer platitudes. I'm not sure which of those things is the worst.

 

[chopper]

It is so sad that people don't know what to say, and others avoid us because they don't know what to say. Often times we just need someone to listen when we are grieving. Or...someone to cry with. I try to be the one who listens when a friend is grieving.

 

[taxlady]

It is so sad that people don't know what to say, and others avoid us because they don't know what to say. Often times we just need someone to listen when we are grieving. Or...someone to cry with. I try to be the one who listens when a friend is grieving.

+1

 

[LPBeier]

It is so sad that people don't know what to say, and others avoid us because they don't know what to say. Often times we just need someone to listen when we are grieving. Or...someone to cry with. I try to be the one who listens when a friend is grieving.

+2 Well said.

 

[Addie]

Right now my main grumble is that I had the hip surgery 3 weeks ago .... am recovering very well according to my PCP, surgeon, and PT. I've seen a lot of progress. BUT, that said, I'm almost in tears with the frustration of having to be inactive, not being able to drive. Three weeks ago I was taking 3-5 hour-long exercise classes a week, walking up a down our very steep streets, driving around to run all our errands, helping out a couple of elderly friends twice a week. Now I have no idea when I'll be able to get back to any of this (well, the surgeon said i can try driving in an empty parking lot and start on the street when I feel secure in my speed from foot on accelerator to brake (It would be my right leg). I read a lot, but am not big on TV. I've gotten back to doing most of my household chores (except gardening, not steady enough for our rough, slanted, terraced yard). But what I am able to do exhausts me, so I drift off to sleep during the day, then am up all night. I'm still sleeping on the couch because I'm only sleeping a few hours a night, and that in one-hour increments. No reason to keep my husband awake and have him grouchy the next day.

I'm a person who's rarely bored, but I am literally becoming bored to tears of frustration. I'm trying to pick up an old hobby (beadwork) to ease it a little.

Sorry for going on ....

Patience Little Grasshopper, patience. God knows what He is doing. He is teaching you a lesson in patience.

 

[Addie]

Losing a child is probably the most painful experience one can go through.

And for those who have no children, I just figure it was by choice. As any parent can tell them, having children can be the most exasperating experience one can have. And it can also be the most fulfilling experience. But childless couples seem to have a capacity to love all children. And they find ways to show it. They are the ones we ask to sit in on committees, babysit, work at the youth center, etc. And we know our children are in good hands. They are the ones who can stand back and look at a situation and make a good decision of whether it is good for a child or not. These folks never complain that they have too many children to care for. They can always make room in their hearts for one more. Thank you childless folks for being there when I needed a relief from the frustrations of being a parent. Thank you for teaching my children good moral rules of life. And thank you for setting a good example for my children to follow. You have the love of not only the children we have entrusted into your care, but the parents as well.

 

[Claire]

Patience Little Grasshopper, patience. God knows what He is doing. He is teaching you a lesson in patience.

... and boy did I need it yesterday. I'm one of those people who is very patient with others -- but get easily frustrated with myself!

 

[Four String Chef]

... and boy did I need it yesterday. I'm one of those people who is very patient with others -- but get easily frustrated with myself!

I've recently reopened my study of Buddhism after a few years break and have been studying patience to start off with my learning. Patience is the only way to know ones soul. With patience, the ego can no longer present itself. One must learn patience, along with other attributes, to release the ego and become completely free. Only then can one reach heaven.

 

[Hoot]

 

[Dawgluver]

Well said, Maxine and Hoot!

 

[GotGarlic]

This is relatively minor, but it's really getting on my nerves right now. Somehow I did something to my neck this morning (not during sleep) and if I look down, there's a sharp pain at the back of my neck going down my back. Now it's giving me a headache. I need to get some preserving done and am really aggravated. Thanks for listening.