We Are Under Attack

[Uncle Bob]

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street has become! This extension work was apparently done at night!! Very sneaky stuff..

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the youngsters. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day, and he has aged so much that he didn't even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor guy while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection ........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 32 pair of pants a 42, or medium shirt as 'extra large? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and neck?

The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? Heck ! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!
Even the font size on my computer has gotten smaller. Maybe the CIA?

All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyonewill have to suffer these awful indignities.

 

[Robo410]

Dang right we are! 100% fer sure

 

[Katie H]

Yup, Uncle Bob! Been there. Doing that!

 

[Buck]

We must fight this scourage.

Dyslecics of the world untie!

 

[StirBlue]

Uncle Bob your stairs are steeper because your house was hit by a tornado that straightened them out. Your grocery bag is heavier because your getting more for your money these days. Everything is further away now that we have a Super Walmart. Your street is longer. Didn't you notice that we now have 51 states?
Sorry about the whispering. We have a new noise ordinance. I guess you were a pretty mature kid. Your Captain Kidd cape is still neatly folded from the last time you used it your senior year in high school next to your hair oil. Ole Jimmy laid under that sun lamp while they were botoxing his face and libo sucked his tummy that's why he looks older. It's even hard for anybody to recognize him.
Would you please stop combing your hair in front of the TV screen. That loose hair sticks all over the screen full of static electricity.
When those police people turn on their red & blues, you are supposed to pull over for them. These high speed chases your leading them on may be funny to you.
Those are not your clothes. You picked up the wrong bag at the airport, again. You are not saving any money by weighing yourself on the public scales and deducting 2 tons for your car!
How many times must you be told that there are no telephone numbers in the bible. You have to go on Ancestry.com to get those numbers.
You are under attack Uncle Bob. Please take your medication.

 

[kadesma]

See what happens when tiny tots play with the computer..They spilled water in here and now the type has shrunk!!! Why they think I can't hear when they watch cartoons so they stand in front of me and YELL MA, MA just cuz I closed my eyes I tell ya how to get em back though, wait til one of their favorite songs comes on tv and sing along from start to finish, that really makes their eyes bug For the bigger ones in school, take um to school make sure at least 3 buddies are near by, then give um a big ol kiss and hug and yell love ya!! They cower for a week!!!

kadesma

 

[amber]

Oh the text size in phone books! This was my main reason for getting reading glasses, and I dont think I need them at all, they just shrank the text size , I think

 

[Uncle Bob]

Miss Amber...

What's really fun(??) is when you manage to find the number...go to the phone...dial the area code and prefix and then can't remember the last four numbers...... ...then you gotta find it again!

 

[Dove]

Uncle Bob...you really didn't have to tell all our friends my secrets did you?

Have I invited you to my woodshed yet???
Marge

 

[amber]

Miss Amber...

What's really fun(??) is when you manage to find the number...go to the phone...dial the area code and prefix and then can't remember the last four numbers...... ...then you gotta find it again!

So true, then I have to find my glasses again because my memory failed me

 

[amber]

Uncle Bob...you really didn't have to tell all our friends my secrets did you?

Have I invited you to my woodshed yet???
Marge

You must go to the woodshed

 

[StirBlue]

In Uncle Bob's neck of the country, you can make him cut a sapling and march to the woodshed.

 

[SizzlininIN]

Drink up my friend......it'll dull the pain

 

[Dove]

cut a sapling and march to the woodshed.
__________________
Marge

 

[Half Baked]

Uncle Bob who?

 

[Chief Longwind Of The North]

Those are the stories my Mother used to tell. And she loved to relate to us how she had to cut her own "switches" from the woods when she got in trouble. And if the switches weren't sturdy enough, after she got her first beating, she had to cut a second one that was sturdier and get beat again. Wow1 I didn't know anyone was as old as my Mother! I bet at Christmas time, if they thought you were bad, you still go coal in your Christmas Stoking. Go 'head. Admit it. I know it's true.

Seeeeeeeya; Goodweed of the North

 

[StirBlue]

Goodweed of the North: I really did not want to go into detail (above post) but I think you have given a whole new outlook on the Woodshed!
Southern people talk about it all the time. Is that where your mother is from?

 

[Uncle Bob]

Uncle Bob...you really didn't have to tell all our friends my secrets did you?

Have I invited you to my woodshed yet???
Marge

Miss Marge...

Ya know that I 'love ya' however; It deeply pains me and I sincerely regret, but I shall have to decline your kind invitation to the woodshed! Please accept my deepest aplogies.

Might I offer another solution. I will meet you at the woodshed where we shall build a nice fire. I have a recipe for beef short ribs with 40 cloves of garlic that a sweet and kind lady in Kentucky shared with me. I have adapted it for the outdoor fire and Iron Dutch oven. I had plans the next time I prepared this wonderful dish to add a substantial amount of red wine. However; for this occasion at the woodshed I shall forgo the use of wine in recipe and instead offer the bottle(s) as a peace offering for my past transgressions. We could name the recipe "Kentucky Wood Shed Short Ribs/40 Cloves of Garlic"


I await your answer with patience and hopes that you will entertain my offer.

Uncle Bob

 

[jpmcgrew]

Uncle Bob no need to hurry to wood shed apparantly theres a really long line.

 

[Chief Longwind Of The North]

Goodweed of the North: I really did not want to go into detail (above post) but I think you have given a whole new outlook on the Woodshed!
Southern people talk about it all the time. Is that where your mother is from?

Nope. We live as far North as you can get, right on the Canadian border in upper peninsula Michicagan. I suspect that if you grew up as a kid in the 1930's and lived anywhere where woods were plentiful, you learned to cut your own "switches". I'm gald that the practice was preety much a thing of the past by the time I was a young lad (1960's). I did get the strap twice in my life though, and kind of think I desearved it. It did make an impression and I quickly changed my evil ways.

Seeeeeya; Goodweed of the North