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Old 12-20-2011, 10:57 PM   #851
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second day of sitting in the ICU with my mom who is engaged in a fierce and desperate battle for her every breath, for life itself. i sit with knotted stomach in mindless despair--a soldier out-of-uniform. bootless. this is not my war. this is not my life. it is my universe....

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Old 12-20-2011, 11:02 PM   #852
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second day of sitting in the ICU with my mom who is engaged in a fierce and desperate battle for her every breath, for life itself. i sit with knotted stomach in mindless despair--a soldier out-of-uniform. bootless. this is not my war. this is not my life. it is my universe....
I have been in a similar situation. We are keeping you and your mom in our thoughts.
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Old 12-20-2011, 11:24 PM   #853
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thank you to all of you for your kind and comforting words. it is 53 degrees at 11:25p.m. here in c-ville! i'm going to take a nice walk....
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Old 12-20-2011, 11:53 PM   #854
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Originally Posted by vitauta View Post
second day of sitting in the ICU with my mom who is engaged in a fierce and desperate battle for her every breath, for life itself. i sit with knotted stomach in mindless despair--a soldier out-of-uniform. bootless. this is not my war. this is not my life. it is my universe....
Vitauta, I send my thoughts and my prayers to you and your family. I totally relate to your situation even though ours are at different parts of the same story. Please take some time for yourself as you won't be any good for your Mom or anyone else if you don't.

I spent the day trying to decide whether to call an ambulance for my Dad or not. He is not eating or drinking much, slept most of the day - which in itself is not unusual, but today he actually was in bed - most other days he is dressed and in his lift chair/recliner. His breathing is laboured, though his sat levels are very good, as are his heart rate and blood sugar but his temperature and blood pressure are a bit high, he is weak and I believe dehydrated. I was thinking when checking all of these vitals that two years ago I wouldn't have had a clue how to measure and read these numbers and now it is all too much second nature. He is better tonight, but not much. I will be "on duty" again tonight because my DH is pulling double shifts with his two jobs. I would have just called the ambulance, but I know that my Dad just wants "to die". I know that is isn't going to happen any time soon, but he wants to be at home.

As for me, I have bottomed out. I was trying to make last minute baking for Christmas gifts, including pastry for my tourtieres as the filling is chilled in the fridge, but I just don't have the energy or desire. Christmas baking is usually my favourite thing in the whole world. I keep running in my head - did I make the right call by not phoning or not.

I think this roller coaster ride has been stuck in overdrive for too long. Veterans Affairs called today to say they would be covering the raise in his personal care and out of the blue the guy told me that Dad would probably qualify for funding if he needed to go into a facility. Today of all days.

I am sorry for dragging this thread down. Like Vitauta, it is just very stressful watching a parent deteriorate like that. He says he wants to die, but he is doing everything in his power to fight it.
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Old 12-21-2011, 12:03 AM   #855
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I'm baking a ham for work. We have a Christmas lunch at work tomorrow and a Christmas breakfast Thursday morning so I got a 6 lb ham and will slice it and split it between the two parties.

Oh, I also just finished the last of my Christmas shopping online while I'm waiting.
So what did you get me?
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Old 12-21-2011, 12:17 AM   #856
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Vitauta, I send my thoughts and my prayers to you and your family. I totally relate to your situation even though ours are at different parts of the same story. Please take some time for yourself as you won't be any good for your Mom or anyone else if you don't.

As for me, I have bottomed out. I was trying to make last minute baking for Christmas gifts, including pastry for my tourtieres as the filling is chilled in the fridge, but I just don't have the energy or desire. Christmas baking is usually my favourite thing in the whole world. I keep running in my head - did I make the right call by not phoning or not.
The hardest part of having to make these decisions is knowing that to honor the wishes of your loved one is going to cause a great deal of pain for you. But try to keep in mind that it is the wishes of your loved one that is important, not yours. In my heart, I have to say, you have made the right decision in allowing him to pass in his home, than in a sterile hospital setting.

My youngest son is a Physician Assistant. He is my medical proxy and knows my wishes. When I had my heart attack last week, the hospital called him and he made sure, against all his training that there was a DNR in place. All my children know my wishes. They may not be what they want to do, but I remind them that it is me in that bed, not them. When my daughter-in-law died last year, my son had to make the decision to pull the plug. Her siblings were there along with her sons. They were so against his decision. But he still feels that he made the right decision.

My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.
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Old 12-21-2011, 05:50 AM   #857
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So what did you get me?
Oh, just a little something for your yard.......
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Old 12-21-2011, 08:56 AM   #858
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Originally Posted by LPBeier View Post
Vitauta, I send my thoughts and my prayers to you and your family. I totally relate to your situation even though ours are at different parts of the same story. Please take some time for yourself as you won't be any good for your Mom or anyone else if you don't.

I spent the day trying to decide whether to call an ambulance for my Dad or not. He is not eating or drinking much, slept most of the day - which in itself is not unusual, but today he actually was in bed - most other days he is dressed and in his lift chair/recliner. His breathing is laboured, though his sat levels are very good, as are his heart rate and blood sugar but his temperature and blood pressure are a bit high, he is weak and I believe dehydrated. I was thinking when checking all of these vitals that two years ago I wouldn't have had a clue how to measure and read these numbers and now it is all too much second nature. He is better tonight, but not much. I will be "on duty" again tonight because my DH is pulling double shifts with his two jobs. I would have just called the ambulance, but I know that my Dad just wants "to die". I know that is isn't going to happen any time soon, but he wants to be at home.

As for me, I have bottomed out. I was trying to make last minute baking for Christmas gifts, including pastry for my tourtieres as the filling is chilled in the fridge, but I just don't have the energy or desire. Christmas baking is usually my favourite thing in the whole world. I keep running in my head - did I make the right call by not phoning or not.

I think this roller coaster ride has been stuck in overdrive for too long. Veterans Affairs called today to say they would be covering the raise in his personal care and out of the blue the guy told me that Dad would probably qualify for funding if he needed to go into a facility. Today of all days.

I am sorry for dragging this thread down. Like Vitauta, it is just very stressful watching a parent deteriorate like that. He says he wants to die, but he is doing everything in his power to fight it.
As long as what you are doing is what is best for your Dad, you are making the right decisions. I'm not there in body, but I am with you in spirit. Remember to take care of yourself, too!
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Old 12-21-2011, 11:01 AM   #859
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As long as what you are doing is what is best for your Dad, you are making the right decisions. I'm not there in body, but I am with you in spirit. Remember to take care of yourself, too!
Thanks, Princess. I think the taking care of myself part is the tough part. I am not sleeping, eating properly and my mind is in 23 places at once.

However, my best friend is taking me to a local tea room today. I have heard about it but never been there and am as excited as a little kid! DH is NOT doing a double shift today so he can stay with Dad and let me go.

Before that I need to make pastry and get her tourtiere finished, take the dogs to the groomers (Violet gets a manicure/pedicure and Joie gets the "full meal deal"), be here for the cleaning ladies and pack up goodies for them.
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Old 12-21-2011, 11:02 AM   #860
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Oh, just a little something for your yard.......
Thanks, I needed to upgrade my avatar from last year's model!
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