What do you do with a kid that only cares about himself?

[texasgirl]

My oldest son.... I don't know what to do about him. He says he's an adult, the law says he's an adult! But, he continues to act like a 12 year old!!
We have helped him so many times and he doesn't seem to appreciate ANYTHING!!!!
When he moved out the first time, his roommate just up and left him with a month of bills, we loaned him money to help. Still hasn't paid us back.
Helped him get a job up here with me and all he does is gripe and complain about his pay and who he works with. He STILL doesn't have a license, failed the written 3 times now, much less a car, so, I'm picking him up in the mornings at a store, and then driving him all the way home, 30 minutes out of my way. When he lived with us, he would take a shower after work, leave, come back about 8 or later, sometimes after 10. Was gone the entire weekend. Blew his money. Drank with his buddies {he's only 20, get's it from his "friends"} Last weekend when we were shoveling and hauling dirt for 4 days, he was asked to come over and help since he owes us money{ btw, normally it wouldn't bother us, but, we're talking almost $500}. Couldn't on Saturday cause he had a party to go to. Told me he would come over Sunday. NO SHOW!!!!!! He called at 8pm and I didn't answer the phone, I let the recorder answer. Monday, he said he called at 12:30 and noone answered, no message. We were inside eating lunch at that time!!! He said he called again and the phone just rang as though, someone was on the other line. BULL!!! The only other time the phone rand it was MIL and NOONE beeped in!! He had to stay at his roommates girlfriends house last night so that he would have a ride to work, HE DIDN'T SHOW UP!!!!! He called in 45 minutes late and said someone stole his buddies truck!! BULL!!! He could have called me as the girlfriend only lives 5 minutes away from here. This is the first time that he has had the responsiblity to come in on his own, without me bringing him and he does this. I have sat here shaking from worry, and now, I'm so angry that I'm crying!! This is only a very small example of things that he has done in the last 5 years. I'm at my wits end and I want to tell him NO MORE!! I'm too afraid that he won't land on his feet. I don't want him on the streets, but, I can't do anything for him anymore. DH is always telling me to quit babying him. I guess he's right. I need to let him fall before he will do something and act like an adult that he says he is. But, it's SO hard!! My youngest is doing so much more and is more responsible than he is. There has always been competition between them and it's so much worse now. He feels that we do more for the youngest, and that is so not true!! He does for himself!! We have told him, why should we help him when he won't help himself.
Sorry, I'm babbling, I know. I'm just so overwhelmed right now. I can't talk to anyone.

 

[Michelemarie]

Texasgirl, so sorry to hear of your troubles. Kids break us, don't they? Sometimes the best thing for them is to let them go, let them fail (HARD!) and help them recover. Part of my morning prayer is the bless me with bigness to grant all their reasonable requests and the courage to deny them privileges I knw will do them harm. The courage is the hard part.....I wish I knew what to tell you, but I don't. Just know your friends will always listen. Hugs to you!

 

[texasgirl]

Thank you michele and for the pm!! It is just so hard. He was always the sweet and goofy one and we moved down here, and he changed so much!!
He got with friends that smoke pot and are all drop outs and run around like idiots and their parents don't care becuase they're either on drugs or drunk all the time. We tried when he was under age to keep him away from all of them. Now, I guess, I have to let go and pray that he lives through the stupidity!! It HURT'S so much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Robo410]

You are there to love and support him, but not to pay his way or undo his decisions.
Always try to keep away from comparisons. Your other is a different person. You have similar expectations that they make good choices, be reasonably successful, and avoid trouble. But if one is a doctor and one a carpenter, great! If one is a mechanic and one a store clerk, no big deal.

 

[college_cook]

my mom and stepdad had a similar problem with one of my stepbrothers, except he was on all kinds of drugs and stuff. they ended up kicking him out of the house the day he turned 18, and didn't hear from him for about a month after that. he cleaned up his act for awhile, got his GED, and signed up to join the navy. he ended up getting back on drugs again, and the navy wouldn't take him. he's 19 now, and working with his dad, off the drugs again, and taking 1 or two classes at the community college.

this is awkward for me to talk about, b/c i'm not exempt from it, but my generation has a real problem when it comes time to get out on our own. We tend to have a sense of entitlement: we think we just get to go to college, get to have an MBA, and then we are a shoe in for a BS job at a corporate office that pays us 100K a year. that was certainly my plan for life as of a few years ago.

now, struggling to pay for tuition and rent, i have real respect for money, even more than i used to. my parents made me get a job when i turned 15, and I worked all through high school, had to buy my own clothes if I didn't want my parents to pick them out for me, bought my own car, etc. But despite all that I had no idea how much rent/mortage and food, utilities, etc. all cost. I think what kids my age need is to take a hard fall once, and learn from it.

 

[texasgirl]

You are there to love and support him, but not to pay his way or undo his decisions.
Always try to keep away from comparisons. Your other is a different person. You have similar expectations that they make good choices, be reasonably successful, and avoid trouble. But if one is a doctor and one a carpenter, great! If one is a mechanic and one a store clerk, no big deal.

My point was not to say that I'M comparing them, THEY have been on a competition thing for a long time. I never say anything like, your brother did this or your brother did that. I don't care what they do, I just want them to be happy and alive! I'm sorry to have come off wrong like that.

After rereading what I wrote, it sounds as though I'm comparing them. I was just saying what the other is like to you guys. Sorry.

 

[GB]

Tough love sounds like what he needs. Let him fail, but be there to support him emotionally (not financially). Let him know up front what you are doing though. Tell him he is being selfish and not acting like an adult and you are not going to enable that because you love him too much to let him make a mistake like that. Tell him he is on his own, but you are there for him to talk and stuff like that, but you are not bailing him out of the situations he is creating for himself.

I know that is MUCH easier said than done though.

 

[Robo410]

No I don't think you did and I'm sorry I implied it. I don't know how you can tell your son not to compare himself with his brother, but you and I know he needs to not do that and find his own success. sorry for the confusion.

 

[texasgirl]

GB, it IS hard. I know that I have to though, or he will never know what life really is.
Robo, don't worry about it. I know he needs to stop. He is even mad that little brother, that has always been so tiny all his life, grew taller than him by 3 inches in the last year. He can't stand it!! I wish he would get a license, car and get his life going. I know he is only 20, but, if he had a girlfriend, I don't think he would be so alone all the time and he would feel better about himself.

 

[licia]

I very much agree with the "tough love" suggestion. I suppose we have all felt taken advantage of by either our children or a family member at times and have to learn to do the right thing not always the most expedient thing at the moment. You will probably be surprised how quickly he does land on his feet if you practice the tough love method. I know how it hurts to have them not act responsibly, but it is just something he needs to learn and you are probably the only person to really teach him that(as hard as it is). My best wishes are for you and it will get better, even if it doesn't seem so now.

 

[Alix]

Oh texasgirl what a hard place you are in. Watching them do self destructive things is the hardest of all. We are here to support you in whatever you decide to do. May I suggest you look for some other closer supports for YOU though? There are lots of parenting groups out there who support each other through stuff like this. It really helps to have someone close by who understands what you are going through and can give you a hug. I'm sending you virtual ones, but the real ones feel better.

Hang in there texasgirl and be strong. He will have to learn to fix things on his own now. No more rescues from Mom. Hugs.

 

[texasgirl]

The thing with support groups. DH doesn't believe in depression or needing help. I'm the only one of us 4 girls that didn't lose it when my mom died. My oldest sister just said the other day that momma was more worried about me, because I was only 23 when she died and I did better than anyone. Noone knows about the hysterical crying that went on when I was home alone. I couldn't go to the doctor for depression because of DH. That is just how he was raised and he thinks everyone should be that way. You deal with your own problems. Please don't look down on him for that, it's just normal to him.
So, that one is out of the question. Can't talk to sisters cause the oldest is bad about upping you when talking about problems, it's always, yeah? well, this happened to me. Another one has her own problems and I won't bother her, she is as bad as I am with her grown kids and #3 isn't help either. So, I talk to you guys. It helps, although I sit here crying while reading your reply. LOL.


I really appreciate the support that everyone gives on this forum. This is my support group!!

 

[licia]

Many times family members are NOT the best people to help. You really need someone who is more objective and can help you to see what is ahead and direct you along the right path both for you and your son. Whether DH agrees or not, I would suggest that you talk to someone who can lead you to do the right thing. Sometimes people don't believe in help for depression or other psychological problems until they see the benefits themselves. You can see that we all want things to work out for the best and there is someone who can help better than any of us and can be much more experienced and helpful to you.

 

[GB]

TG what kind of people does your son hang around with? Peer pressure can be a good thing when used for positive things and not for bad things. I know you don't have much control over who he hangs out with, but maybe if there are family members or family friends who are close by who are close to his age who act the right way then maybe you could try to get them to spend some time with him and hopefully they will rub off on him.

As far as your husband not believeing in therapy, do YOU believe in it? do YOu think it would be helpful for you? If so then you need to get help regardless of what he believes. Again I am saying things that are a heck of a lot easier to say than to do, but if it is something that you need then get the help. I am very against lying to a spouse (or anyone else for that mater), but if you need to them tell him you joined a cooking club that gets together once a week and use that time to see a professional.

 

[texasgirl]

He doesn't hang around the best people. They aren't going out and steeling and stuff like that, they are mainly LAZY! One is 25, lives at home and works when he wants and mooches off of mom. He was the first roommate that son had that walked out leaving him with the bills nd the one that buys him beer so they can get drunk together. There aren't any relatives his age. I'm so much younger than my sisters that, my nieces and nephews are only a few years younger than me. Only one is the same age and she is not the one to hang around with either. She is as bad as he is.

 

[Alix]

It doesn't have to be a formal therapy group, just maybe a group of Mom's who get together to gab and stuff like that. Support doesn't have to have the stigma of "mental health", it can be just friends. Get some ladies together for a book club, or bridge or something, I will bet $50 that it won't take long for them to start sharing kid stories and to offer support to each other spontaneously. Would your hubby find that a bad kind of thing?

 

[texasgirl]

The thing is finding anything like that. LOL I don't have friends, Alix, except at DC.
I've never been the kind to just start talking to people )

 

[Alix]

I think I can safely say that you have TONS of friends here. We are here for you. You keep posting and we will post back, cuz we love you.

 

[VickiQ]

((((Texasgirl)))I used to have a tiny piece of paper hanging on my fridge that I cut out of a magazine when I was pregnant with Jymm. It said-"The descion to have a child is monumental- it's the decision to have your heart walk around on the outside of your body."When Jymm died I took that scrap of paper off the refridge and tore it into tiny pieces- somehow thinking I could protect my heart from being broken any further- all I had to do was turn around and I see the faces of my younger two kids and know that nothing was farther from the truth-their pain of losing their brother further broke my heart. We can't help it we're Moms.And to think that anyone -in the best of circumstances can do this job alone-has probably never had children!!I know your hubby is against therapy but,there are on-line support groups for EVERYTHING-you are so not alone-other than the wonderful people here who will try to dry your every tear and soothe your pain.The thing I learned from therapy and it took awhile to "hear" it was I did everything I could. Jymm made alot of bad choices in his short life and none of it was my doing.They were HIS choices. We were with him in ALL the family therapy groups,we made all the rehabs possible for him and we DIDN"T enable him- that's a tough one- you want to do everything you can to protect your baby and make it all go away but, they don't learn unless they make the mistakes themselves. Of course, Jymm's situation was alittle different with the bi-polar disease effecting his judgements and then the drugs making it even more warped but, we were told by the professionals constantly that he had to hit rock bottom Believe me this was agonizing , but there were glimmers of hope when he fell and had to figure out how to get himself back up again and he learned from the mistake and he would even have a moment of pride that HE did it.I strongly suggest being HONEST with your son-tell him how you feel and how you will not be part of his destruction-give examples if you have to. Look I know that I did not have the outcome of a child who was healed- I know I live with evry parents nightmare everyday of my life but, Thank God mine is the exception not the norm. I will pray for you and your son. I will be a shoulder to cry on if you need and just an ear to listen if all you want to do is talk.Please know that I am here for you whole-heartedly.Love and energy, Vicki

 

[buckytom]

tg, when i was 19, i failed out of college after just 2 years (drugs, alcohol, girls), so when i moved back home, my dad took me aside and told me that i had 2 choices. to sign up for the military, or to get a job or 2 or 3 by the next weekend, so i was working at least 50 hours +, and pay rent and food costs. my dad said it was what the real world was like, so if i wanted to be an adult in the real world rather than a coddled college kid, he was giving me the option. and he was serious about sticking to it. if i didn't have the money, then i had to do work around the house to make it up. and if there was no car available, i took the bus or rode my bike. it didn't matter how far. and he checked up on me all of the time.

of course i objected and said that i might as well be out on my own if i'm gonna pay such a high rent ($300 a month in 1983 plus food and gas).
he replied that it wasn't one of my choices. i had proved myself a failure, and he was going to teach me about responsibility and life in general under his roof, or the military was going to in a lot less comfortable digs.
i thought i could work on my mom to get dad to back off, but she just repeated what he said, sticking to it.
when my dad put me back down on the ground and let go of my throat, i decided that the military haircut wasn't for me , so i got a job the next day at kmart, and a nighttime job at burger king. it sucked big time, so i negotiated with my dad to pay less rent if i went back to school. he only relented on food money. i eventually ended up in a year long vocational school, learning computer repair. one thing lead to another, and in just 2 years, and many more courses and schooling, i had a decent career and was really able to move out and support myself. it sorta made my dad proud, but also pissed him off that i was making more money than him in just a few short years.
so, you and your hubby are gonna have to work together to get tough. it's brick wall time. the longer it is delayed, the harder it's going to be on all of you.