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Old 01-28-2012, 08:49 PM   #101
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How about asking your husband how the two of you can make this situation more pleasant. Does he have any suggestions?
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Old 01-28-2012, 08:56 PM   #102
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I guess you could whine back (makes me think of Doug and Wendy Whiner).

Seriously though, I am sorry that you are feeling the way you are. He should be treating you like a queen. Just the simple act of my DH putting both his plate and mine in the kitchen after we eat goes a very long way. I am spoiled.
I am slowly training the DH to put his dishes in the DW. One of my pet peeves is dishes in the sink. My dad does the same thing, has a bowl of ice cream and leaves the bowl (not rinsed) in the sink. Drives me crazy when I get up in the morning and I see that dirty dish with dried ice cream residue on it. How hard is it to rinse a bowl and put the bowl and spoon in the DW?
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Old 01-28-2012, 09:13 PM   #103
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Originally Posted by taxlady View Post
How about asking your husband how the two of you can make this situation more pleasant. Does he have any suggestions?
Why yes. Yes he does. "Is it breaded?? Is it fried??" A mantra.....of sorts.
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Old 01-28-2012, 09:27 PM   #104
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Certainly no one deserves to be treated rudely. Ever. There are lots of things you COULD do, just remember that reacting and responding are two very different things. If you just react to his whining, things will go in a circle, you'll both feel upset at one another and it never ends. If you respond by trying to figure out what is behind all of it, he will feel better because you listened to him and you will feel better as well.

Don't make the mistake of treating him like your child, he's not, even though he might be acting like a child. Perhaps if you made some very small changes that allow him more control over his meals he won't have so much cause to complain. It may mean slightly more work for you, but sometimes the smallest changes yield the biggest results. Continue to serve your daughter her portion on her plate, but put the rest of your wonderful cooking out on the table and let your husband serve himself. That way, he can take as much of whatever he wants and leave what he doesn't. It might be a nice lesson for your daughter too, she could learn proper portion control that way.

Good luck PT. Again, I'm sorry you've had to deal with this crankiness. I hope you can figure out a way to get it all resolved.
PERFECTLY said ! Ditto from me.
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Old 01-29-2012, 02:10 AM   #105
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agreed, very well said, alix.

i'm amazed to see how many people here have complained about what their spouses get away with, especially about so many men. were they never taught manners and respect for others, especially their wife - the most important person in their life?

also, i'm saddened to hear about what spouses put up with. have they no self respect? (i'm not trying to be mean, just incredulous).

i ALWAYS bus my own plates, usually my son's as well, and often clean up most of the table if i'm sure dw is done eating. dishes get a quick rinse, then are put in the dishwasher (lol, in the way dw showed me works best ), stuff is put back in the frdge, leftovers wrapped up, and the table wiped down. the only time i don't bus the table is when i'm physically exhausted from work, sick, or dw says don't bother if she's still doing things in her small kitchen and doesn't want a big oaf like me in the way. i still bus my own plates nonetheless.

when i cook, i try to clean up everything and dw helps as i go. the way i see it, i made the mess, i should clean it up. dw cook much more often than me these days, so it's not a big deal to do it all. the only thing i usually don't clean are the pots and pans when dw cooks. she has a habit of making the stove look like a tornado hit, then a wildfire, then a hurricane. when i cook, i clean pots and pans as i'm done using them, wiping up messes as they are created. it just makes life easier when your belly is full and you want to relax.

i wasn't taught to act this way, though. i learned it by living on my own (who else is gonna clean up?), then living with gfs who ranged the gamut of being obssively clean to disgusting pigs. you end up figuring out a middle ground that works for everyone so there's no resentment afterwards, such as is greatly evident in this thread. i've always advised every young male member of my family or friends to live on their own for a few years before getting married. most guys only learn with hands on experience.

i mentioned that i wasn't taught this in my childhood as my mom was my dad's servant of sorts; cooking, serving, cleaning, and so on. but dad did his part at his job and around the house in many other ways that she didn't have to deal with, so it was really teamwork. it must be a good match since they just passed their 64th wedding anniversary this past thursday.

the worsrt advice i've read here, which i pointed out in my previous post, was the "kick to the curb" type of attitude. that's plainly selfish and immature, bordering on narcissism. being selfish will never get you far in a healthy relationship. i'd imagine having an m.o. of ending relationships out of anger and frustration, or conversely putting up with years of resentment for not being able to "stand up for yourself" would lead to a crappy life. i'm lucky to have a very strong, intelligent wife that wouldn't put up with much b.s. in any way, so it rarely goes there.

p-top, while you are feeling badly about this, obviously you aren't being selfish simply because you care enough to try to figure out a way for this to work out. for you to feel appreciated and respected while pleasing your hubby. that's saying a lot about you, and sure as heck isn't easy to accomplish once ways are set.

taxy's concise advise, as well as alix's last post really stand out as the way to go imo. i truely hope you can get through to your hubby and get this all worked out.

oh, and i hope people get a sense of humour. i doubt anyone who knows princess fee would think what she posted was really intended as mean.
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Old 01-29-2012, 04:50 AM   #106
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My husband went through this stage very briefly 15 years ago. I turned the tables and let him cook (I refused), then criticized his every move. There was a breaking point, a pointing out of my title " wife" not "mommy", a careful consideration of what marriage is according to our beliefs and we decided that marriage isn't living at Mom & Dad's house, eating Mom & Dad's style but it's a new life complete with new rules and new cook. Now I'm the type of person who holds you at your word. If you agree to it - you WILL be accountable for it so be careful what you agree to. He agreed I was right. Since then its pretty much been all roses & tulips in the kitchen. My father however is much like this because he hates spices and wants all his food bland. No garlic, no onion, nothing green in or near his food. No fresh cilantro or parsley or basil or Rosemary or sage - which I love. I grew up eating this bland crap being deprived of flavor, I refuse to continue. This is why he more often than not eats alone - & he lives right next door - alone.
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Old 01-29-2012, 04:52 AM   #107
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Why yes. Yes he does. "Is it breaded?? Is it fried??" A mantra.....of sorts.

I can't stand it when the rapid fire interrogation starts! I am not sure why some people have a tendency to do that. I am not sure if they are thinking out loud or what?

This thread has been a lot of fun and also many practical hints to improve the situation have come up. For my two cents I would say that I would be sort of a grouch if I was your DH only because dinner seems to be a last minute surprise in your world. When I was a kid and even today I have always enjoyed knowing what was coming up for dinner. If it was a dish I liked I would enjoy the anticipation of it and if it was a dish I was not looking forward to I could at least have time to adjust my expectations. If every night of my life I was "treated" to a surprise I would feel like poor little Baby Jane when big sister unvieled the entree in the movie Whatever Happened to Baby Jane! I have lived alone so long I cannot imagine living any other way! Good luck and I hope you can get the lumps out of your relationship without resorting to a pillow!
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Old 01-29-2012, 05:19 AM   #108
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fluffy, there's ways to disguise herbs and veggies in recipes for people who object like your dad, but you have to sell it that it was merely made from things they wouldn't mind.


interesting devil's advocate, aunt bea.

i forgot to add that when (not if, it's weekly) dw makes something i don't like, i just go out and get something to eat. often under protest, "why can't you just eat (the disgusting thing ) that i made?"

you might suggest that.

it's especially effective if you're on a tight budget, or he's just tight. there's gotta be communication and compromise.
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Old 01-29-2012, 05:34 AM   #109
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My sons pay me the best compliment any mother could ask for. Whenever someone tells them how nice they are, they reply, "Well in spite of my best efforts to thwart her , my mother raised me to be polite and nice to everyone." And this hold true whether it is for me, or a total stranger. I never fail to appreciate the little things they do for me.

You are so right buckytom. I have always had the rule with both husbands, one cooks, and one cleans. And neither one criticizes. My second husband came from the South. Until he was no longer able to stand up, he always stood when I entered the room. Secretly, I appreciated the gesture. But after twelve years of marriage it was no longer necessary. My first four children were from my first marriage. The fifth one was his. This simple gesture was not lost on any of them. He insisted that they show respect for women at all times. No matter what I cooked, he always thanked me for cooking supper. And he insisted that each child clear their own plate from the table. Family meals were always family efforts. My children learned from his example. And it has stayed with them through the years.

Son #1 was always active in Little League. When he had his first heart attack, the word spread quickly. The hospital got so many calls, that they had to set up a transfer to my home phone to answer questions. Over and over, I heard, what a nice kid he had always been, how polite, etc. His wife died last year, and again, the same words were said at the wake. I am constantly hearing how nice my kids are. It is all a matter of respect and love.

Son #2 presently drives a cab. He has a long list of elderly that ask for him specifically. He helps them in and out of his vehicle, brings their bags into their front door, etc. And inspite of their limited income, make it a point to give him a tip. No matter how small, or how much he helps them, he always says Thank You.

Son #3 is a Physician Assistant in ER medicine. He recently got a major promotion. Because of his work ethic, the hospital is expanding the PA program. He is to be in charge of the new PAs. And he has been asked to teach the medical staff on bedside manner with patients and family. This class will be mandatory for all personnel. He has also been offered an Assistant Professorship at one of our major universities teaching the same class for medical students.

In spite of the natural male aggressiveness in men, my three sons have managed to put that aside and bring out the nice side of their natures. I am very proud of all three of them.

My daughter works with public every day at the RMV. I am sure all of you have had your dealings with that department on more than one occasion. Yet she has always kept her cool and made many friends. She has one customer that every Mother's Day, he sends her the biggest bouquet of flowers any person would love to get. He told her he sends them just in case her children should forget how nice she is. Yet she has never met this man. I have met many of her coworkers. Again I hear the same words over and over. It is all a matter of respect for the other person. I am just as proud of her also. I have great kids and I make it a point to say Thank You and tell them how proud of them I am. Everyone like to hear a ind word once in a while.

And having said that, I would just like to say, I think all of your are great folks also. I am glad and proud that I have found some fantastic friends. Thank you for being my friends.
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Old 01-29-2012, 07:01 AM   #110
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Oh, lord, what some of you live with. Apologies, by the way, to the men in our group who are listening to gripes that seem against men. I know it isn't universally so, because my husband wouldn't dream in a million years of treating me like any of this. We've been married for 27+ years and lived together for a few years before that. You know, I "get" this stuff when it is women & men of my parents' era. But even my parents -- who were firmly raised in the woman-cook, husband-warrior tradition ... well, Daddy wouldn't dream of washing a dish, but he cleared his own place setting from the table, for heaven's sake, and put his clothes in the hamper. But, large events aside, I mostly cook, he mostly cleans. But that's an agreement we came to well before we married, and have stuck to. When I mess up a meal, I know it and we agree and talk about it. The word "yuck" is the worst four-letter word in our house, and I don't think we've ever used it under our own roof, and corrected spoiled brat kids who did. And, as everyone has said, if you don't like the way I do something, well, here, do it yourself.
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