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Old 12-09-2008, 07:01 AM   #11
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I wish I can read it now.
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Old 12-09-2008, 08:56 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by Goodweed of the North View Post
Background: The story is about a group who discover that we, humankind, has aroused a terrible force that has the power to erase humanity for the universe. The problem is that most of humankind won't accept the threat and want to keep on doing things the way they always have. In fact, the corporations want to eliminate our good guys so that they can continue raking in profits, no matter the environmental costs.
So...it's about global warming ???
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Old 12-09-2008, 09:16 AM   #13
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Piqued my interest! Good luck!
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Old 12-09-2008, 09:34 AM   #14
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It is very good Goodweed. I certainly want to read the book now and my hubby is the SF fiend, not me! I do like Vera's ending it with a question. That really makes the person reading the pitch want to find the answer. As a technical writer and proofreader, one thing that stood out for me (and I am sure that this was just typed for us and not the one you will send, but like Vera said, you asked). There was a typo.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Goodweed of the North View Post
The fate of humanity rests with a young family, an assassin, a politician, and a handful fo scientists.
EDIT: GW, I want you to know I am not being hypercritical. I make tons of typos in my writing (and here). Seems I can proof other people's work better than my own! And I do love your pitch with the minor change of making that last line a sentence. Let us know when you are published!
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Old 12-09-2008, 05:40 PM   #15
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"So...it's about global warming ???"

No, we are now inhabiting thousands of worlds. The threat is far, far greater than global warming.

And LPBier; thanks for pointing out the typo. I thought I'd proofread and spellchecked the piece. However, I had just finished proofreading several hundred pages of novel and spell checking the same. I guess I forgot to do the same to the tickler. And like yourself, I find it much easier to prrof someone else's work than my own. I believe that's true of most writers. Though I don't do it proffesionally, I am schooled in technical writing at the university level, but have had to learn the art of fiction on my own. With the first novel I completed, a fantasy novel, I sent it to several agents. I was told by every one of them that my story was very good. They said things like; "...the pacing is well done."; "...the plot is excellent"; "...the story is exciting." Unfortunately, they also said that my characters needed fleshing out, that they were a bit 2-dimensional. I was encouraged to work on the characters of that novel and that due to the quality of the story, I had no business giving up.

My problem with that story is that I really like it and am not sure how to flesh out the characters without making the work overly long. It already spans about 700 or so pages. This story isn't as long. I was very conscous of my characters and tried to give them life, make the reader care about them. I'm still looking for someone with writing talent, a tutor if you will, who can help me turn my good stories into great stories. I'm willing to share the profits with whomever helps me with this task. They would be a partner and would share both the risks of rejection as well as any profit made. Of course, we would have to work out percentage as I've already written a complete story.

All in all, I've completed one SF novel and two fantasies, none of them published. Add to that four cookbooks that I self publish and sell through word of mouth and you can see that I strive to be more than I am in the litterary world. (heavy sigh).

I will definitely take the advice given by everyone and tweak my tickler.

Thanks.

Seeeeya; Goodweed of the North
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Old 12-10-2008, 02:41 AM   #16
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I think we all can proof something we're reading for the first time much more easily than something we wrote ourselves and went over and over and over again. After awhile you simply "see" it the way you want to.

Hmmm.... Your teaser actually brings to mind that a certain car manufacturer is begging for a bailout from us taxpayers .... while bringing out yet another Humvee. Just what our economy and our environment need, yet another gas hog vehicle for rich people to nudge us worker bees off the road.
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Old 12-10-2008, 12:43 PM   #17
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Claire View Post
I think we all can proof something we're reading for the first time much more easily than something we wrote ourselves and went over and over and over again. After awhile you simply "see" it the way you want to.

Hmmm.... Your teaser actually brings to mind that a certain car manufacturer is begging for a bailout from us taxpayers .... while bringing out yet another Humvee. Just what our economy and our environment need, yet another gas hog vehicle for rich people to nudge us worker bees off the road.
And thus the story is started.

I'm tweaking the teaser right now. I'll post it to see what everyone thinks. Oh, and the word "of" in the saved version was spelled correctly, unlike the same word transcribed to DC.

Seeeeeeya; Goodweed of the North
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Old 12-10-2008, 12:57 PM   #18
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Ok. Here's the revised tickler. Whatcha think? It's a tad bit longer, and a bit more descriptive. I don't want to give away too much of the story, and don't want the tickler to become too long.

Humankind as spread itself over thousands of worlds, and in the process, awakened a force more powerful than anyone could ever have imagined. The fate of humanity rests with the unlikely team of a miner, a hardened assassin, a powerless politician, and a handful of stogy scientists. To make matters worse, they will ahve to battle the relentless and dangerous power of greedy interstellar corporations, who will stop at nothing to increase their profit margin. Will the team have time to stop the coming annihilation of the human species?

Thanks, in advance.

Seeeeeeya; Goodweed of the North
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Old 12-10-2008, 01:02 PM   #19
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I liked the first one better. I like the last sentence being a question, but other than that I think the first one was more to the point, less wordy, and let me know more quickly what the story was about without unnecessary details. Leave the details to the story.
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Old 12-10-2008, 01:23 PM   #20
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Is it Babylon 5 you are talking about?
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