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Old 12-10-2008, 11:31 PM   #21
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Is it Babylon 5 you are talking about?
No. This is a story completely from my own imagination. It doesn't resemble, so far as I know, any story, movie, or televised series that I know of. And the powerful force that is awakened is unique to this story. But that's about all I can say without giving the story away.

And GB, thanks for the input. So far, from the people I've shown it to, the two versions of the tickler have received about the same number of votes. Half like the first, while the other like the second version. Both seem to be popular though.

Seeeeeya; Goodweed of the North
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Old 12-11-2008, 12:10 AM   #22
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Congratulations, Goodweed - I cannot imagine having the self-discipline to write a 700+ page novel. You have an accomplishment to be proud of. I have done some short story and poetry writing, and recently read a book written by a friend here in Mexico that has been published, but was really poorly written. The characters were fascinating; the plot was interesting, but the main fault, from the perspective of one who reads alot, was that the book was completely linear. I like a book that brings in flashbacks, develops subplots and alternates among them, and leaves something to the readers' imaginations. Don't know if this helps. Best of luck to you and continue to follow your dream!!!
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Old 12-11-2008, 03:52 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by Goodweed of the North View Post
No. This is a story completely from my own imagination. It doesn't resemble, so far as I know, any story, movie, or televised series that I know of. And the powerful force that is awakened is unique to this story. But that's about all I can say without giving the story away.
Seeeeeya; Goodweed of the North
Sorry i was trying to be funny and jerk at the same time. But really babylon 5 comes to mind. I understand that it is your story.
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Old 12-12-2008, 10:52 AM   #24
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Goodweed, it is hard to sometimes come up with something truly original, and I hope that you have. I was once designing some beadwork for a friend who was publishing a book. All I could think of was, did I see this in a magazine before? Am I stepping on a copyright? I mentioned it to a friend, and she just laughed. Told me she hardly listens to music any more because she's a composer and is afraid that a little bit of music will stick in her brain and come out. Then more recently another friend who is a poet tells me she never reads for entertainment any more, afraid that she'll subconsciously copy something and wind up in trouble. I wish you all the best. Many people have asked me to publish and I'm simply happy to write a column for my small town newspaper, usually feel-good pieces.
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Old 12-12-2008, 12:08 PM   #25
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The fate of humanity rests with a young family, an assassin, a politician, and a handful fo scientists. They will have to overcome the relentless and dangerous power of greedy interstellar corporations before they can even begin to save humanity from annihalation.

The fate of humanity rests with the unlikely team of a miner, a hardened assassin, a powerless politician, and a handful of stogy scientists. To make matters worse, they will ahve to battle the relentless and dangerous power of greedy interstellar corporations, who will stop at nothing to increase their profit margin. Will the team have time to stop the coming annihilation of the human species?
The first sentence (which I left out of the quote) is good. In the second sentence "unlikely team of..." is a good description but maybe a little too wordy and unnecessary. I also think a lot of people will not be familiar with the term "stogy", and while it's fine to introduce new words in the novel itself, it's perhaps not the best choice for a tickler. I do like your other adjectives though. I liked that sentence in your first example better. In the next sentence I also think the phrase "to make matters worse" is unnecessary. I like the to-the-point sentence in your first example. In your second example your addition of "who will stop at nothing to increase their profit margin" was an excellent addition. So if you were to follow my suggestions it would read:

Humankind as spread itself over thousands of worlds, and in the process, awakened a force more powerful than anyone could ever have imagined.The fate of humanity rests with a young family, a hardened assassin, a powerless politician, and a handful of (adjective here) scientists. They will have to overcome the relentless and dangerous power of greedy interstellar corporations who will stop at nothing to increase their profit margin. Will they have time to stop the coming annihilation of the human species?

Good luck with it all! I'll be sending in a children's book for publication soon. I'm just afraid to send it yet because it's my only manuscript.
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Old 12-12-2008, 05:14 PM   #26
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The first sentence (which I left out of the quote) is good. In the second sentence "unlikely team of..." is a good description but maybe a little too wordy and unnecessary. I also think a lot of people will not be familiar with the term "stogy", and while it's fine to introduce new words in the novel itself, it's perhaps not the best choice for a tickler. I do like your other adjectives though. I liked that sentence in your first example better. In the next sentence I also think the phrase "to make matters worse" is unnecessary. I like the to-the-point sentence in your first example. In your second example your addition of "who will stop at nothing to increase their profit margin" was an excellent addition. So if you were to follow my suggestions it would read:

Humankind as spread itself over thousands of worlds, and in the process, awakened a force more powerful than anyone could ever have imagined.The fate of humanity rests with a young family, a hardened assassin, a powerless politician, and a handful of (adjective here) scientists. They will have to overcome the relentless and dangerous power of greedy interstellar corporations who will stop at nothing to increase their profit margin. Will they have time to stop the coming annihilation of the human species?

Good luck with it all! I'll be sending in a children's book for publication soon. I'm just afraid to send it yet because it's my only manuscript.
I agree completely. In my first attempt, I was trying to make things exciting and very brief. In the second, I was reacting to others who said that the first version was too brief. My problem, however, is that the greedy corporations are just an impediment to tackling the larger threat. I'll P.M. you the story summary (beware that it is a work in progress). It will help you to understand that I have to acknowledge the greedy corporations in the tickler, while hinting at a far more dangerous adversary. Ticklers and summaries are often as difficult, or even more difficult to write than is the novel. It requires you to be much more precise and doesn't allow time to develop an idea.

Seeeeeeya; Goodweed of the North
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Old 12-12-2008, 05:51 PM   #27
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Originally Posted by B'sgirl View Post

The first sentence (which I left out of the quote) is good. In the second sentence "unlikely team of..." is a good description but maybe a little too wordy and unnecessary. I also think a lot of people will not be familiar with the term "stogy", and while it's fine to introduce new words in the novel itself, it's perhaps not the best choice for a tickler. I do like your other adjectives though. I liked that sentence in your first example better. In the next sentence I also think the phrase "to make matters worse" is unnecessary. I like the to-the-point sentence in your first example. In your second example your addition of "who will stop at nothing to increase their profit margin" was an excellent addition. So if you were to follow my suggestions it would read:

Humankind as spread itself over thousands of worlds, and in the process, awakened a force more powerful than anyone could ever have imagined.The fate of humanity rests with a young family, a hardened assassin, a powerless politician, and a handful of (adjective here) scientists. They will have to overcome the relentless and dangerous power of greedy interstellar corporations who will stop at nothing to increase their profit margin. Will they have time to stop the coming annihilation of the human species?

Good luck with it all! I'll be sending in a children's book for publication soon. I'm just afraid to send it yet because it's my only manuscript.
Yeah, I agree with that. "Unlikely team....." You've already listed the team, so we can see they are a mixed group. If you did not list the team members, then maybe you could describe them collectively. That would be too much of a teaser though, we wouldn't know who anybody was, so ultimately we wouldn't be drawn to anybody.
And personally, I don't need to see "hardened" assassin. Aren't all assassins hardened? Now if he was a bit outside the norm, like a retiring assassin, or remorseful assassin.... then you could build a different plotline and we would be saying, wow, I wonder what the assassin is all about.... same with the scientists. If they are stereotypical, why describe them at all in the teaser? We already have a picture of them in our mind.

JMO
But if it's going to be made into a movie you're still going to need a couple bimbos on the team (just jokin'. That would be too typical).
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Old 12-12-2008, 06:58 PM   #28
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Well, I'd definitly read it. I'm a complete sci-fi/fantasy nerd. I lean more towards fantasy reading and sci-fi movies and shows (RIP Stargate SG-1 ) but I would give it a go.
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