Would this Catch Your Interest?

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Chief Longwind Of The North

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I have finished proofreading my latest SF novel attempt. I've jsut completed making the pitch that I will send to a number of literary agents along with a summary and the manuscript. The pitch has to be perfect as it is what initially interests the agent, helping him/her decide whether to even look at the summary and manuscript. So, I'm placing the pitch out here to all of you for a quick critique.

Background: The story is about a group who discover that we, humankind, has aroused a terrible force that has the power to erase humanity for the universe. The problem is that most of humankind won't accept the threat and want to keep on doing things the way they always have. In fact, the corporations want to eliminate our good guys so that they can continue raking in profits, no matter the environmental costs.

So here's the pitch. Let me know what you think.

Humankind has spread itself over thousands of worlds, and in the process, awakened a force more powerful than anyone could ever have imagined. The fate of humanity rests with a young family, an assassin, a politician, and a handful fo scientists. They will have to overcome the relentless and dangerous power of greedy interstellar corporations before they can even begin to save humanity from annihalation.

Would this pique your interest? How can it be made better? Thanks in advance for the critique.

Seeeeya; Goodweed of the North
 
I don't know how it could be made better but it does pique my interest.
 
I'm interested.
Of course if the group that saves humanity also included a couple cheerleaders...... :angel:
:LOL::ROFLMAO::LOL:
 
So here's the pitch. Let me know what you think.

Humankind has spread itself over thousands of worlds, and in the process, awakened a force more powerful than anyone could ever have imagined. The fate of humanity rests with a young family, an assassin, a politician, and a handful fo scientists. They will have to overcome the relentless and dangerous power of greedy interstellar corporations before they can even begin to save humanity from annihalation.

Would this pique your interest? How can it be made better? Thanks in advance for the critique.

Seeeeya; Goodweed of the North

Humankind, spread over countless planets has roused the interest of a force with more power than ever believed possible. The future of humanity lies in the hands of a young family, a hardened assassin, a greedy politician and a few lab rats. Can they surmount the relentless danger and greed set forth by the Interstellar Corporation in time to prevent the annihilation of the human race?

Gotta admit, as a writer myself, I'm not real comfortable changing the words of another writer, but you did ask. Hope you don't mind, really.
 
The concept of the book is definitely interesting to me. I like Vera's wording a bit better, it sounds more like what I read on book covers. I would try to word "a few lab rats" differently, but, I do not know how at the moment. If I come up with anything, I will post it.
 
I would try to word "a few lab rats" differently,
I agree. "a few lab rats" sounds too cutsie for this type of book.

GW, this definitely sounds like something I would read. The way you wrote the teaser did grab my attention. I thought it was a tad bit too wordy, but I do not have any suggestions on how to change that.
 
Sounds good to me, but.... Who let the secret out??!! None was supposed to know about this yet! Now we have to send the MIB to your door...... run man run!:LOL:
 
Background: The story is about a group who discover that we, humankind, has aroused a terrible force that has the power to erase humanity for the universe. The problem is that most of humankind won't accept the threat and want to keep on doing things the way they always have. In fact, the corporations want to eliminate our good guys so that they can continue raking in profits, no matter the environmental costs.

So...it's about global warming ???
 
It is very good Goodweed. I certainly want to read the book now and my hubby is the SF fiend, not me! I do like Vera's ending it with a question. That really makes the person reading the pitch want to find the answer. As a technical writer and proofreader, one thing that stood out for me (and I am sure that this was just typed for us and not the one you will send, but like Vera said, you asked). There was a typo.

The fate of humanity rests with a young family, an assassin, a politician, and a handful fo scientists.

EDIT: GW, I want you to know I am not being hypercritical. I make tons of typos in my writing (and here). Seems I can proof other people's work better than my own! And I do love your pitch with the minor change of making that last line a sentence. Let us know when you are published!
 
"So...it's about global warming ???"

No, we are now inhabiting thousands of worlds. The threat is far, far greater than global warming.

And LPBier; thanks for pointing out the typo. I thought I'd proofread and spellchecked the piece. However, I had just finished proofreading several hundred pages of novel and spell checking the same. I guess I forgot to do the same to the tickler. And like yourself, I find it much easier to prrof someone else's work than my own. I believe that's true of most writers. Though I don't do it proffesionally, I am schooled in technical writing at the university level, but have had to learn the art of fiction on my own. With the first novel I completed, a fantasy novel, I sent it to several agents. I was told by every one of them that my story was very good. They said things like; "...the pacing is well done."; "...the plot is excellent"; "...the story is exciting." Unfortunately, they also said that my characters needed fleshing out, that they were a bit 2-dimensional. I was encouraged to work on the characters of that novel and that due to the quality of the story, I had no business giving up.

My problem with that story is that I really like it and am not sure how to flesh out the characters without making the work overly long. It already spans about 700 or so pages. This story isn't as long. I was very conscous of my characters and tried to give them life, make the reader care about them. I'm still looking for someone with writing talent, a tutor if you will, who can help me turn my good stories into great stories. I'm willing to share the profits with whomever helps me with this task. They would be a partner and would share both the risks of rejection as well as any profit made. Of course, we would have to work out percentage as I've already written a complete story.

All in all, I've completed one SF novel and two fantasies, none of them published. Add to that four cookbooks that I self publish and sell through word of mouth and you can see that I strive to be more than I am in the litterary world. (heavy sigh).

I will definitely take the advice given by everyone and tweak my tickler.

Thanks.

Seeeeya; Goodweed of the North
 
I think we all can proof something we're reading for the first time much more easily than something we wrote ourselves and went over and over and over again. After awhile you simply "see" it the way you want to.

Hmmm.... Your teaser actually brings to mind that a certain car manufacturer is begging for a bailout from us taxpayers .... while bringing out yet another Humvee. Just what our economy and our environment need, yet another gas hog vehicle for rich people to nudge us worker bees off the road.
 
I think we all can proof something we're reading for the first time much more easily than something we wrote ourselves and went over and over and over again. After awhile you simply "see" it the way you want to.

Hmmm.... Your teaser actually brings to mind that a certain car manufacturer is begging for a bailout from us taxpayers .... while bringing out yet another Humvee. Just what our economy and our environment need, yet another gas hog vehicle for rich people to nudge us worker bees off the road.

And thus the story is started.;)

I'm tweaking the teaser right now. I'll post it to see what everyone thinks. Oh, and the word "of" in the saved version was spelled correctly, unlike the same word transcribed to DC.

Seeeeeeya; Goodweed of the North
 
Ok. Here's the revised tickler. Whatcha think? It's a tad bit longer, and a bit more descriptive. I don't want to give away too much of the story, and don't want the tickler to become too long.

Humankind as spread itself over thousands of worlds, and in the process, awakened a force more powerful than anyone could ever have imagined. The fate of humanity rests with the unlikely team of a miner, a hardened assassin, a powerless politician, and a handful of stogy scientists. To make matters worse, they will ahve to battle the relentless and dangerous power of greedy interstellar corporations, who will stop at nothing to increase their profit margin. Will the team have time to stop the coming annihilation of the human species?

Thanks, in advance.

Seeeeeeya; Goodweed of the North
 
I liked the first one better. I like the last sentence being a question, but other than that I think the first one was more to the point, less wordy, and let me know more quickly what the story was about without unnecessary details. Leave the details to the story.
 
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