Bad Jokes

[buckytom]

i was sent this from a friend, and found several of them funny, so i'm passing it along.
got any bad jokes to add?

BAD JOKES


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1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green, Green Grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

15. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


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[KAYLINDA]

Still Giggling....especially the "termite" one. Thank you for a great laugh!

 

[Barbara L]

Those were so cute! Thanks for sharing!

Barbara

 

[mudbug]

Number 4 is the best.

 

[pdswife]

heheheh
hahahahah
thank you! I needed that!

 

[middie]

Number 4 is the best.

mud i liked that one too

 

[buckytom]

There was a tradesman, a painter named Bucky, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually, when his church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Bucky put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Bucky was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Bucky clear off the scaffold, to land on the lawn surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Bucky was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he stood up and cried: "God, dear God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

 

[buckytom]

Little Tony and the halloween candy

a little boy named Tony was sitting on a park bench one day, and was eating some of his haloween candy. one after the other, tony would tear open the packages and devour the candy bars, until his whole faced was smeared with chocolate.

just then, an old man happened by and exclaimed "little boy, don't you know it's bad to eat so much candy all at once. it will make you fat and unhealthy, and it will rot your teeth".

little tony replied, " ya know, my grandfather lived to 107 years old!"

the old man responded, "well, did he eat 6 or 7 candy bars at a time to live that long?"

tony shot back, "no, but he minded his own freakin business!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

[texasgirl]

Bucky, that isn't right!

 

[buckytom]

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing of one letter, and supply a new definition.

>> Here are this year's {2005} winners: (edited for the youngins)

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

2. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

3. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

4. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido: All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

 

[Maidrite]

WOW all I can Say is , "BUCKY'S BACK in FULL SWING ".

 

[cartwheelmac]

There was a tradesman, a painter named Bucky, who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go further.

As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually, when his church decided to do a big restoration job on the painting of one of their biggest buildings. Bucky put in a bid, and because his price was so low, he got the job.

And so he set to erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, thinning it down with turpentine.

Well, Bucky was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened, the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Bucky clear off the scaffold, to land on the lawn surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Bucky was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he stood up and cried: "God, dear God! Forgive me! What should I do?"

And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke...

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

We loved this joke buckytom!

Grace and Cameron

 

[Raven]

3. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

HEY! I resemble that remark LOL!

7. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Is that Hipatitis? or Hippa-tightis? Most people I know who are bound by HIPPA just signed the forms and have no idea how they actually apply LOL! (HIPPA - Health Insurance Patient Privacy Act)

8. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Is that when your bones go soft?

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

YES!!!

~ Raven ~