Dearest Redneck Son
Dearest Redneck Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to give you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they didn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though. Last week I put in a load of clothes and pulled the chain. Haven't seen the clothes since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week: the first time for 3 days and the second time for 4 days. About that coat you wanted me to send you... your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send them in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but i didn't find out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. We hear the baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he kept fighting them off and drowned. We had him cremated... he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your favorite Aunt,