"Discover Cooking, Discuss Life."

Go Back   Discuss Cooking - Cooking Forums > The Back Porch > Jokes and Games
Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
 
Old 06-20-2005, 11:29 AM   #1
Master Chef
 
PA Baker's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: USA, Pennsylvania
Posts: 6,000
Deep Thoughts

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous erudite scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates. His mind sees things differently than ours do, to our amazement and amusement

Here are some more of his gems:

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feels so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9- All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to avoid work.

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19- I intend to live forever -- so far, so good.

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Steven Wright

__________________

__________________
-A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand
PA Baker is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-20-2005, 11:35 AM   #2
Chef Extraordinaire
 
pdswife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Washington
Posts: 20,308
Send a message via AIM to pdswife Send a message via MSN to pdswife Send a message via Yahoo to pdswife
lol. Thanks. I really like # 10 and the last one made me laugh out loud!
__________________

__________________
pdswife is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-20-2005, 11:36 AM   #3
Master Chef
 
texasgirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: North Texas
Posts: 9,497
Oh, pa, those are great

I love #'s 22 and 25!!!
__________________
texasgirl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-20-2005, 12:15 PM   #4
Executive Chef
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,357
PA, I think he is sooo funny! One of his jokes (from memory):


I was pulled over by the police for driving 65 mph in a 35 mph zone. My response to the officer, was "I wasn't going to be up that long (late)".

Hope that makes sense.

Thanks for sharing
__________________
mish is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-20-2005, 12:53 PM   #5
Chief Eating Officer
 
GB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: USA,Massachusetts
Posts: 25,509
Those are great. I love his comedy. Some of my other favorites of his are:

I bought some batteries, but they were not included so I had to buy them again.

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
__________________
You know you can't resist clicking
this link. Your eyes will thank you. VISUAL BLISS
GB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-20-2005, 01:57 PM   #6
Executive Chef
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 4,357
Quote:
Originally Posted by GB
Those are great. I love his comedy. Some of my other favorites of his are:

I bought some batteries, but they were not included so I had to buy them again.

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
Love it, Gee Bee! His deadpan-expression is priceless.
__________________
mish is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-20-2005, 02:18 PM   #7
Chief Eating Officer
 
GB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: USA,Massachusetts
Posts: 25,509
I agree Mish!

I saw an interview with him once where he explained his dead pan expression. The first time he ever performed in front of an audience he was terrified. He was so scared he could not talk like a normal person. It came out in his classic Steven Write way. The audience loved it and he decided to make it a part of his act.

I am not 100% sure, but I think my wifes grandmother lived down the street from him for a while. I can only imagine having him as a neighbor
__________________
You know you can't resist clicking
this link. Your eyes will thank you. VISUAL BLISS
GB is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-20-2005, 06:51 PM   #8
Chef Extraordinaire
 
middie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Cleveland,Ohio USA
Posts: 16,264
Send a message via Yahoo to middie
glad to see i'm not the only one who wondred about #13

i love #22 and #30 though lmao
__________________
middie is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 06-21-2005, 02:11 AM   #9
Traveling Welcome Wagon
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Somewhere, US
Posts: 15,919
I haven't heard Steven Wright in years! I have always loved him. Two of my favorites from him were (not sure if I remember them word-for-word, but it's close):

I bought a map of the United States. It's life-sized.

and

I bought a microwave fireplace. I spent a relaxing evening in front of the fire in 10 minutes.

Barbara
__________________

__________________
Barbara L is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



» Discuss Cooking on Facebook

Our Communities

Our communities encompass many different hobbies and interests, but each one is built on friendly, intelligent membership.

» More about our Communities

Automotive Communities

Our Automotive communities encompass many different makes and models. From U.S. domestics to European Saloons.

» More about our Automotive Communities

Marine Communities

Our Marine websites focus on Cruising and Sailing Vessels, including forums and the largest cruising Wiki project on the web today.

» More about our Marine Communities


Copyright 2002- Social Knowledge, LLC All Rights Reserved.

All times are GMT -5. The time now is 03:27 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.8 Beta 4
Copyright ©2000 - 2016, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.