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Old 06-12-2005, 05:59 PM   #21
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Disturbing Beer News

Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1.) Gained weight

2.) Talked excessively without making sense

3.) Became overly emotional

4.) Couldn't drive

5.) Failed to think rationally

6.) Argued over nothing

7.) Had to sit down while urinating

8.) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary
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Old 06-12-2005, 06:55 PM   #22
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Oh, so you DO wanna war, Allen! Touche'





Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
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Old 06-12-2005, 06:58 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mish
Make Love not War...rain or shine.

Mish, don't worry, I love a man that can take joke as much as I can!
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Old 06-13-2005, 03:18 AM   #24
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A Woman's Poem


He didn't like the casserole.

And he didn't like my cake.

My biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.


I didn't perk the coffee right.

He didn't like the stew.

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.


I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked him...

Like his Mother used to do.
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Old 06-13-2005, 11:25 AM   #25
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lol wasabi. love it !!!!!!!!
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Old 06-13-2005, 11:36 AM   #26
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I've posted this before, but it bears repeating.

100 Reasons to be Glad You’re a Man

1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2) Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3) You know stuff about tanks.
4) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5) Monday Night Football.
6) You don't have to monitor your friends' *** lives.
7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8) You can open all your own jars.
9) Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
12) Your *** is never a factor in job interviews.
13) All your orgasms are real.
14) A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite ***.
15) Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).
16) You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
17) You understand why Stripes is funny.
18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19) Your last name stays put.
20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21) When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22) You can kill your own food.
23) The garage is all yours.
24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
27) You never have to clean a toilet.
28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
29) *** means never worrying about your reputation.
30) Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32) Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
33) The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34) You don't have to shave below your neck.
35) None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
36) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy *** every night.
37) If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38) You can write your name in the snow.
39) You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
41) Chocolate is just another snack.
42) You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
44) Flowers fix everything.
45) You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46) You get to think about *** 90% of your waking hours.
47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50) You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
51) Foreplay is optional.
52) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57) Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58) You don't give a rat's *** if anyone notices your new haircut.
59) You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me.
60) The world is your urinal.
61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
62) You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64) One mood, all the time
65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66) You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
67) You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
69) Same work...more pay!
70) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
71) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
73) You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75) You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76) If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77) The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79) ESPN's Sports Center.
80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
81) Bachelor parties whoop *** over bridal showers.
82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84) You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85) If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.
86) Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "**** it."
88) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
89) Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91) You never have to miss a ***ual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93) If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
94) New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97) Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great *** with them.
98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
99) Baywatch
100) There's always a game on somewhere.
101) If it itches, it will be scratched.
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Old 06-13-2005, 12:28 PM   #27
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Good ones, Allen. Mine isn't 100,but still good



Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite *** without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

And the best one of all....
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.



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Old 06-13-2005, 03:26 PM   #28
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9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

a frog in a blender
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Old 06-13-2005, 03:58 PM   #29
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The following statements were proven as completely true by a panel of distinguished men (who were immediately clubbed to death by their wives).



Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.



Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.



Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers will go away.



Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.



Why were shopping carts invented? To teach women to walk on their hind legs.



Women are like guns. Keep one around long enough and you are going to want to shoot it.



One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"



All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.





What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant.



Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.



Women are so unreasonable! My wife gets mad at me because every Saturday night I take a bath with bubbles in it. I mean, if Bubbles doesn't mind, why should she?



What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

Divorced.



Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep.



Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.


I still miss my Ex, but my aim is improving!
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Old 06-13-2005, 03:59 PM   #30
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A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant women. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more women arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth woman comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.

Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the women, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The woman who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that women are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
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