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Old 06-13-2005, 04:01 PM   #31
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A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.

"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.

"Remember, 20 years ago, when I got you pregnant?" he asked. "And your father threatened me to marry you or else go to jail?"

"Yes, of course," she replied.

"Well, I would have been released tonight."
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Old 06-13-2005, 04:03 PM   #32
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Old Harry was on his deathbed. He raised himself on one elbow and
beckoned his wife. "Doris", he whispered, "you were with me through
the Great Depression."


"Yes Harry."


"Doris, you were with me through the worst droughts in the fifties and
the eighties."


"Yes Harry."


"And you were with me when the farm got burned out by the bush fires
in the nineties. And last year, you were still hanging in there with
me when the bank foreclosed on our mortgage and we lost the farm."

"Yes Harry."

"And now, here you are with me today, when I'm just about to die."


Doris nodded.


"You know Doris", he whispered, "I'm beginning to think that you're
nothin' but bad luck!"
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Old 06-13-2005, 04:11 PM   #33
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1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men -
but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Every married man should forget his mistakes -
there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.
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Old 06-13-2005, 04:20 PM   #34
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1. What do you call an eternity?

Four Women in four cars at a fourway stop.

2.) Why do Women have TGIF written on their shoes?
ToesGoIn First.

5.) What did the Woman say when she opened the box of
Cheerios?
Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.

7.) Why do woman always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.

8.) How can you tell when a Woman sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.

10.) What do you do if a Woman throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

12.) Why shouldn't Woman have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

14.) A Woman and a man were walking outside when the
brunnette said, “Oh lookat the dead bird.”
The Woman looked skyward and said,” Where?”

16.) How do you drown a Woman?
Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

17.) Why does it take long to build a Woman snowman as
opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

21.) Why won't they hire Women as pharmacists?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the
typewriters.

23.) Two woman were walking through the woods and they
came to some tracks. The first woman said, These look like deer tracks, and the other one said, no they look like moose tracks. They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

24.) Two women were in a parking lot trying to unlock the
door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down!

25.) A young woman is distraught because she fears
her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. Then one day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the woman responds to the husband, Shut up...you're next!

26.) Hear about the woman that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

27.) What happenned to the women’s Ice Hockey Team?
They drowned in Spring Training.

28.) What did the woman say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!

29.) Why did the woman scale the chain-link fence?To see
what was on the other side.

30.) How do you make a woman laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
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Old 06-13-2005, 09:13 PM   #35
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I surrender {waving white flag!!!]

You win Andy!!
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Old 06-13-2005, 09:36 PM   #36
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You fought the good fight Texasgirl. I felt like we were losing ground so I tapped into the archives.
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Old 06-14-2005, 09:54 AM   #37
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy M.
1. What do you call an eternity?

Four Women in four cars at a fourway stop.



I think every man/woman joke i've ever heard has been posted here now... and I've certainly picked up a lot of new ones.
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Old 06-14-2005, 10:05 AM   #38
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Quote:
Originally Posted by college_cook


I think every man/woman joke i've ever heard has been posted here now... and I've certainly picked up a lot of new ones.
Actually, I have more but good sportsmanship precludes me from piling on.
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