Male versus Female War

[AllenOK]

Disturbing Beer News

Yesterday, University scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain phytoeostrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women. To test the theory, 100 men were fed 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects:

1.) Gained weight

2.) Talked excessively without making sense

3.) Became overly emotional

4.) Couldn't drive

5.) Failed to think rationally

6.) Argued over nothing

7.) Had to sit down while urinating

8.) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

No further testing was considered necessary

 

[texasgirl]

Oh, so you DO wanna war, Allen! Touche'





Why is it good that there are women astronauts?
So that when the crew gets lost in space, at least the women will ask for directions

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini

Why is psychoanalysis quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.

 

[texasgirl]

Make Love not War...rain or shine.

Mish, don't worry, I love a man that can take joke as much as I can!

 

[wasabi]

A Woman's Poem


He didn't like the casserole.

And he didn't like my cake.

My biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.


I didn't perk the coffee right.

He didn't like the stew.

I didn't mend his socks

The way his mother used to do.


I pondered for an answer

I was looking for a clue.

Then I turned around and smacked him...

Like his Mother used to do.

 

[middie]

lol wasabi. love it !!!!!!!!

 

[AllenOK]

I've posted this before, but it bears repeating.

100 Reasons to be Glad You’re a Man

1) Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2) Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3) You know stuff about tanks.
4) A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5) Monday Night Football.
6) You don't have to monitor your friends' *** lives.
7) Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8) You can open all your own jars.
9) Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight.
10) Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
11) When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
12) Your *** is never a factor in job interviews.
13) All your orgasms are real.
14) A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite ***.
15) Guy in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash 'em into the boards).
16) You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
17) You understand why Stripes is funny.
18) You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19) Your last name stays put.
20) You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21) When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22) You can kill your own food.
23) The garage is all yours.
24) You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25) You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26) Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
27) You never have to clean a toilet.
28) You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
29) *** means never worrying about your reputation.
30) Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31) If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
32) Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
33) The National College Cheerleading Championship.
34) You don't have to shave below your neck.
35) None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
36) You don't have to curl up next to a hairy *** every night.
37) If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
38) You can write your name in the snow.
39) You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40) Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
41) Chocolate is just another snack.
42) You can be president. (In this lifetime.)
43) You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
44) Flowers fix everything.
45) You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46) You get to think about *** 90% of your waking hours.
47) You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48) Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49) You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50) You can say anything ("Wow, do my balls hurt!") and not worry about what people will think.
51) Foreplay is optional.
52) Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53) Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
54) You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55) You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader's coming by.
56) You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57) Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58) You don't give a rat's *** if anyone notices your new haircut.
59) You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me.
60) The world is your urinal.
61) You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
62) You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63) Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64) One mood, all the time
65) You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
66) You never have to drive on to another gas station because this one's just too skeevy.
67) You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68) You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
69) Same work...more pay!
70) Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
71) You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72) Wedding dress: $2,000; tuxedo rental: $75.
73) You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
74) With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75) You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76) If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77) The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78) People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79) ESPN's Sports Center.
80) You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
81) Bachelor parties whoop *** over bridal showers.
82) You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83) You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84) You needn't pretend you're "Freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
85) If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your other friends you've changed.
86) Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87) You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "**** it."
88) If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong buddies.
89) Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90) The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91) You never have to miss a ***ual opportunity because you're not in the mood.
92) You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93) If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
94) New shoes don't blister, cut, and mangle your feet.
95) Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96) You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97) Not liking a person doesn't preclude having great *** with them.
98) Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice anything different?"
99) Baywatch
100) There's always a game on somewhere.
101) If it itches, it will be scratched.

 

[texasgirl]

Good ones, Allen. Mine isn't 100,but still good



Why it's better to be a Woman!

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite *** without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.

And the best one of all....
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

 

[middie]

9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

a frog in a blender

 

[Andy M.]

The following statements were proven as completely true by a panel of distinguished men (who were immediately clubbed to death by their wives).



Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.



Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.



Why are hangovers better than women? Hangovers will go away.



Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.



Why were shopping carts invented? To teach women to walk on their hind legs.



Women are like guns. Keep one around long enough and you are going to want to shoot it.



One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!" The other replies: "GREAT trade!"



All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.





What do you call a woman with two brain cells? Pregnant.



Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.



Women are so unreasonable! My wife gets mad at me because every Saturday night I take a bath with bubbles in it. I mean, if Bubbles doesn't mind, why should she?



What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

Divorced.



Some mornings I wake up grouchy...and some mornings I just let her sleep.



Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.


I still miss my Ex, but my aim is improving!

 

[Andy M.]

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant women. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more women arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth woman comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts.

Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the women, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The woman who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that women are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"

 

[Andy M.]

A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found her husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing.

"Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.

"Remember, 20 years ago, when I got you pregnant?" he asked. "And your father threatened me to marry you or else go to jail?"

"Yes, of course," she replied.

"Well, I would have been released tonight."

 

[Andy M.]

Old Harry was on his deathbed. He raised himself on one elbow and
beckoned his wife. "Doris", he whispered, "you were with me through
the Great Depression."


"Yes Harry."


"Doris, you were with me through the worst droughts in the fifties and
the eighties."


"Yes Harry."


"And you were with me when the farm got burned out by the bush fires
in the nineties. And last year, you were still hanging in there with
me when the bank foreclosed on our mortgage and we lost the farm."

"Yes Harry."

"And now, here you are with me today, when I'm just about to die."


Doris nodded.


"You know Doris", he whispered, "I'm beginning to think that you're
nothin' but bad luck!"

 

[Andy M.]

1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

4. To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little.
To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

5. Married men live longer than single men -
but married men are a lot more willing to die.

6. Every married man should forget his mistakes -
there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

9. A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

10. There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage & after marriage.

 

[Andy M.]

1. What do you call an eternity?

Four Women in four cars at a fourway stop.

2.) Why do Women have TGIF written on their shoes?
ToesGoIn First.

5.) What did the Woman say when she opened the box of
Cheerios?
Oh look, Daddy...Doughnut seeds.

7.) Why do woman always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.

8.) How can you tell when a Woman sends you a fax?
It has a stamp on it.

10.) What do you do if a Woman throws a pin at you?
Run, she's got a grenade in her mouth!

12.) Why shouldn't Woman have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.

14.) A Woman and a man were walking outside when the
brunnette said, “Oh lookat the dead bird.”
The Woman looked skyward and said,” Where?”

16.) How do you drown a Woman?
Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

17.) Why does it take long to build a Woman snowman as
opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.

21.) Why won't they hire Women as pharmacists?
They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the
typewriters.

23.) Two woman were walking through the woods and they
came to some tracks. The first woman said, These look like deer tracks, and the other one said, no they look like moose tracks. They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

24.) Two women were in a parking lot trying to unlock the
door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down!

25.) A young woman is distraught because she fears
her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. Then one day she comes home and finds her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead.

She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the woman responds to the husband, Shut up...you're next!

26.) Hear about the woman that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.

27.) What happenned to the women’s Ice Hockey Team?
They drowned in Spring Training.

28.) What did the woman say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA? Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!

29.) Why did the woman scale the chain-link fence?To see
what was on the other side.

30.) How do you make a woman laugh on Saturday?
Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

 

[texasgirl]

I surrender {waving white flag!!!]

You win Andy!!

 

[Andy M.]

You fought the good fight Texasgirl. I felt like we were losing ground so I tapped into the archives.

 

[college_cook]

1. What do you call an eternity?

Four Women in four cars at a fourway stop.

I think every man/woman joke i've ever heard has been posted here now... and I've certainly picked up a lot of new ones.

 

[Andy M.]

I think every man/woman joke i've ever heard has been posted here now... and I've certainly picked up a lot of new ones.

Actually, I have more but good sportsmanship precludes me from piling on.