Just incase anyone wants to read this from the beginning... here ya go. I had to change some words around when two people answered at the same time.. I tried to combined the answers... forgive the spelling booboos... there are a few!!
Today I awoke
not knowing where
I’m going next
or if I
have a brain that wasn’t mush
I would make eggs and bacon and have them
for breakfast and then I would rob a bank
then take a M1A1 abrams tank through the town handing out hotdogs
to all the starving boys and girls, who were carrying all the worldly goods
including tipping guides towards the distant Superwalmart in the mall to shop.
That is where as usually happens, money is spent on frivolous things. ( she means “squandered”) Oh but what a great deal you just got in view of
your limited funds. A hot off the grill burger that would taste almost
as good as juicy prime rib. Going to Walmart just to find a new grill
for the shrimp and to buy the very best cast iron grill for grilling sausages
until nicely brown. Some boys asked “could they have three little bites?”
But, the huge sausage got stuck with a fork to the grill. A Soho doorway
opened up and we saw three sparkling loose diamonds surrounded by Emeralds on the ground!!! I picked them up with my broken right hand
“Ouch, that hurt”. Look how shiny they all are when they’re wet. Blinded by beauty I stumbled off the planet and flew off to a distant galaxy. Where
surprisingly enough McDonalds was open. So Feeling brave I ordered sixteen new Galactic Glarbburgers. I supersized it! Finally full, I jumped back into the thorns and cut my big toe open and blood went everywhere till dad got out the big white towel and pruning shears. Rolled out of the bundle of slightly used papertowels that are moist and full of alcohol and peroxide. The peroxide starts to bubble sting and clean. Unfortunately, it’s not healing very well. So we have a big problem on my hands. So I took a pain pill to feel much better because I realized that I had a cow. And it was a sweet cow. Black and white a holstien… not. But, it was in the meadow of tall green lilies blooming brightly but overhead there is a storm cloud full of lemonade and chocolate truffles. Which scares me a little bit.
Lemonade began to fall on my best white blouse that I borrowed from Saks yesterday. So, I wondered “ would Saks believe that lemonade fell from the sky?” Would they listen? Or would they think I lied? Should I try? There would be no reason for me to fabricate it off. What would I gain? Besides, everyone knows that lemonade won’t fall from the heavens unless you are very very tipsy from all that dickel that was poured over crushed ice down your throat. Then I ended upside down on a waterbed that was leaking green gel of some kind. It smelled like a lime but felt like jello, only more suede, that was wet and cold. So I put my feet on hubby’s lap while he sang about green Keylime Pie and ole Salty dogs and little slippery fishies with yellow and blue fins and JAWS behind their purple gills. That when opened show the big white whale that ate biscuits, gravey and French fried onion rings that were smothered in hot pepper sauce. “Yummy” he said. Please pass the ranch dressing and go easy on the bacon bits. Because of my pit pig, “Hamhocks”. I graciously obliged. When suddenly a red balloon appeared and hovered over the mess he left behind when the tractor broke,
trying to clean away those awful horrible messy globs of green goo from the top of Mt. Rushmore and the president’s big rock nostril I must say God Bless You! Quickly he gulped an couple of goobers and drank a very cold martini before running hysterically for the john. Where he saw a flash of Linda Blair from the movie he had call the second worst movie he ever made. But the Children of the corn had to be right behind it. That movie Sucked. Another bad movie was the one where the guy borrowed a really ugly mask and ran down the mountain until he found a tent and hid until he heard a ballerina crying inconsolably. Just because she poked her eye with her finger. Peering though a peep hole in the canvas tent. The monster grabbered her by the coat and pulled till she fell and the coat ripped in two. RUN RUN RUN screamed the ballerina. Help me Rhonda! Surf’s up and Starry, starry nights are far behind in a galaxy far away from the one planet that is closest to my deli that has the best cheesecake ever!!! And the waiters are all good-looking. Tall dark and irritatingly already taken. By small minded ningkumpoops that don’t know a hardworking waiter if he spilled the dish of wanton on their Pradas and knocked off the silver candlbra with pink candles and white ropes that were melting on the silk tablecloths. Suddenly in walked a giant with hairy legs and bad B.O. He tripped over a huge mossy log. A tiny ant had rolled down the giant’s pantaloons , then started laughing. “Ha you big silly monster YOU. See what happens when you don’t remember to tiptoe around the giant. You end up with your leg caught in a mud bog, but you slowly pull your foot out of the stickey gooey glop, but your shoe stays in. Maidrite just waiting to grab the last cream puff to give him acute indigestion (again). Finally, in despair he ate a piece of furniture which left splinters in his fowl and wood polish all over his huge hairy feet, which made him scream in agony because it burnt his big toe. Then he cried like a baby cause he stubbed his knee on the big white car as it zoomed on the way to the circus. It carried three smiling happy clowns and crashed into Barbara’s new car. HE’D BETTER RUN! Run Forest run. Quickly he ran through the woods past the dead tree to lieutent Dan’s. Who said, “Forest are you a shrimpboat camptain now”? Babba told me that monkeys fly and eat purple seedless sour grapes as they swing from the branches of an old weeping willow tree. Gently blowing in the breeze, with the sun heating the Earth to a delightful chirping of birds high up in a huge pine tree. And guess what?? A gigantic eagle was directing traffic from a high mountain peak, when suddenly a bunny rabbit ran quickly through the intersection, shouting “MY left foot is on fire!” “ Please help me!! It burns so badly that I jumped in the nearest vat of creamy soft butter. And now the little fuzzy bunny has greasy feet!! And a sign which reads, “ TOMORROW, Suppers here, enjoy it if you can because come tomorrow you’ll be busy likcking that greasy foot off. Later that day looking for someone to do the dirty work he ran into a man on a pogo stick picking his nose, named Pogo Picker. While eating a frozen purple popcycle and offering strangers fresh lemonade and uninvited asvice about their personal hygiene, and if they ever used a wash cloth with soap. After a long long day?? This made the man smile and laugh loudly even though he was standing in a pit of olive flavored jello which was slowly being sipped by his cat Petey who had only one life left. His other eight were long gone.. All used up, all because he let curiosity get the better, the best of him on many many occasions and he felt that big Tom cats were just toys. Because of this he often cried about half his time away in the sea of Salmon and Tuna with crunchy kibbles. Singing a song about skinny sailors in funny little suits of blue with white stripes and combat boots, blowing silver whistles whilst dancing under a starstruck moon on a warm hot steamy night on a tropical island full of ***y cabana boys scantily clad in tight black shorts and bow ties expertly tied by three monks from the far east driving a Ferrari which color was chocolate carmel camel, with black blue and yellow polka dots. Like a white while out of water for too many days and started to smell like rotten feta. Like the whale was starting to slowly sink into Davy Jones locker and nearly drowned but wasn’t dead, because three days of smelling your putrid festering foot makes you want to cut it off at the ankle. SO he decided against that, ran to the nearest bath shop to soak that smelly body part and it worked!!! He was cured!! He danced a quick Irish jig with a big roaring voice he bellowed “all clean!” Smelling like roses and ready to do his part to make America beautiful and respectable by cleaning the rivers, forests and oceans so everyone can enjoy nature and all it’s purity and majesty. The sun shone the falling icy sheet of rainbow colored icicles. That made people
very thirsty. So they raised faces towards the sky to fill glasses full with clean cold sparkling spring water. Highlights in the windows crystal clean, shinning at midnight with mosquitoes biting and itching beyond belief, until they swelled up to the size of a half dollar pus filled walnuts about ready to split open and burst like a firecracker on it’s way to splat on you!! Making a mess in your eye!!!!!! And on your chest dripping down all over the beautiful parquet floor and then you slip right out from the sides, causing a great big BANG that scared the whole neighborhood. The bomb squad came to the wrong house and were embarrassed to find out a church was having communion service. When the bells began to toll it told everyone to be ready for another big wedding that was underway at the local farmers market. The couple was a brunette and spiked haired blonde boy from Chocolate Bayou, Texas just out side of Forks of Salmon, California. With a forked road they could go right or left. Left seemed like the right thing to do so he went the wrong way when suddenly he felt all tingly inside. His tummy started to feel awful. It rumbled, roared an made something of a horrid squishy, sloppy noise. Sound so loud that his ears seemed to flap and clang loudly as if they were made of noisy large windchimes. Eyes fiercely red,