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Old 02-18-2013, 03:41 PM   #3291
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All the passengers are seated on a plane out on the tarmac and the stewardess announces “we’re just waiting for the pilots.”. The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers. The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it’s takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves. In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says “you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die!”
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"I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass."

"I hear voices and they don't like you "
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Old 02-18-2013, 04:10 PM   #3292
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I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before..
PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
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Odette
"I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass."

"I hear voices and they don't like you "
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Old 02-18-2013, 04:12 PM   #3293
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Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?
Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries have a 'use by' date?
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?
Is French kissing in France just called kissing?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'llsqueeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
What do people in China call their good quality plates?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
What do you call male ballerinas?
Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure.
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"I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass."

"I hear voices and they don't like you "
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Old 02-18-2013, 04:25 PM   #3294
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Addie View Post
I cringe when I see a parent fighting with their child to eat something the child doesn't like. I want to ask the parent if they would eat liver if they didn't like it. I use liver because it is a food that most folks just don't like.
I mostly agree with you, but the parents are just trying to get some good nutrition in the kids. Plus, some things you just need to try a few times to learn to like them. My aunt would always have my cousin take one bite of everything, and if he didn't like it, no problem, he could eat whatever he did like. I liked that policy :) no reason he couldn't take one bite, right?
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Old 02-18-2013, 04:32 PM   #3295
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skittle68 View Post
I mostly agree with you, but the parents are just trying to get some good nutrition in the kids. Plus, some things you just need to try a few times to learn to like them. My aunt would always have my cousin take one bite of everything, and if he didn't like it, no problem, he could eat whatever he did like. I liked that policy :) no reason he couldn't take one bite, right?
That's what I do, my kids must taste something before deciding they don't like it.
I try every food 10 times, most of the time they like it before they get to 10 tries.
I also offer more than one veg with each meal. They must pick at least one and eat that.
So far so good, they like almost everything.
I'm lucky, my kids are like vacuum cleaners
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"I hear voices and they don't like you "
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Old 02-18-2013, 04:51 PM   #3296
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My mum said that one should never try to force a child to eat, because it will just teach the child that they have a weapon to use against the parent.
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Old 02-18-2013, 07:05 PM   #3297
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snip 13 View Post
A man is rushing to a hospital from a business trip because his wife has just gone into labor with twins, and there is a family tradition that the first family member to arrive gets to name the children. The man is afraid his idiot brother will show up first and give his kids horrible names. When he finally arrives at the hospital in a cold sweat he sees his brother sitting in the waiting room, waiving, with a big dumb grin on his face. He walks unhappily in to see his wife who is scowling and holding two little babies, a boy and a girl. Almost afraid to hear it, the man asks, "What did he name the girl?" "Denise" says the wife. "Hey that's not too bad! What did he name the boy?" "De-nephew."
Reminds me of the woman who couldn't choose between Polly and Esther so she named the baby Dacron...
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Old 02-19-2013, 04:04 AM   #3298
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Snip 13 View Post
I saw a fat person wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names.But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
S*x is like playing bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before..
PETER KAY'S UNIVERSAL TRUTHS
Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
You never know where to look when eating a banana.
You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.
Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad
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Old 02-19-2013, 06:08 PM   #3299
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Old 02-19-2013, 09:23 PM   #3300
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I'm sorry, I would not be able to say "Bad Dog" without laughing.
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