Today's Funny

[Kathleen]

The first car I bought was a 1972 station wagon with three on the tree. That caused confusion, because no one would believe it was standard transmission until I told them to count the pedals. Station wagons were thought of as suburban housewives' cars and were almost all automatics by then.

I learned to drive with Dad's 1963 GMC pick-up truck that had three on the tree. Dad felt that one should not be driving if they could not drive a vehicle with a standard transmission. The current car is my first automatic.

 

[taxlady]

I learned to drive with Dad's 1963 GMC pick-up truck that had three on the tree. Dad felt that one should not be driving if they could not drive a vehicle with a standard transmission. The current car is my first automatic.

I learned to drive on automatics - my dad's early 1960s Oldsmobile Cutlass and some dual control car in driver training in high school. We did sort of learn to drive standard in the simulators. When I came to Canada, I had a bit of experience driving standard in Denmark, but couldn't really manage hills well. I went out of my way to take driving lessons in winter and in a standard transmission car. I am so glad for those lessons. It makes such a difference with a good teacher. My dad was a good driver, but he had no experience in teaching someone how to drive.

 

[Kathleen]

That's funny, Taxy! My mother ended up teaching me because Dad had little patience for teaching me to drive. He taught me many things, but driving was not one of them. Hills are a challenge for newbie's driving standard. They are also a god-send for broke college students who could not afford a starter. Just get someone to push the car out of the parking space and get it rolling to pop the clutch to get started.

 

[taxlady]

That's funny, Taxy! My mother ended up teaching me because Dad had little patience for teaching me to drive. He taught me many things, but driving was not one of them. Hills are a challenge for newbie's driving standard. They are also a god-send for broke college students who could not afford a starter. Just get someone to push the car out of the parking space and get it rolling to pop the clutch to get started.

Only a god-send if you are going downhill.

My best hill story was in that rusty, old station wagon. Since it was a station wagon, it didn't have a hand brake. It only had an emergency break with a peddle and a release. There was no easing off the that emergency brake. It was on or it wasn't. The timing on that old wagon didn't stay good for a long time after a tune up. I was stopped at a stop light on a fairly steep hill in Montreal. I knew that I was going to roll a few feet backwards before the car would start going forward. If I tried using the emergency brake, when I released it, the car would jump forward; cough; and die.

It was about 4 AM and there was no traffic, except some dingbat who pulled up behind me. He was only about 2 feet behind my bumper. When the light turned green, I waved at him to go around me. He just honked at me. I set the emergency brake and put the car in first gear and turned off the engine. I got out and walked to his window and explained the situation. He said, "Too bad, if you hit me, you are paying for the damages." Luckily, I had a brain storm. "I'll just say you rear ended me. There's no one here to witness it. You try to prove you didn't rear end me." He backed up and went around me.

 

[medtran49]

I didn't learn to drive stick shift until I wanted to buy a car that didn't have an automatic transmission. Went ahead and bought it but Craig had to drive home. DO NOT EVER ask a spouse/significant other to teach you to drive stick shift after you've been driving for years. Two lessons from a coworker in her car and I was doing just fine with the stick shift.

 

[Phaedra]

 

[Andy M.]

The family 1958 Chevrolet sedan was our first car with an automatic transmission. My sister, who is 9 years older, begged my dad to get an automatic. Said she'd pay for it. So I inherited that car. Then I switched to a VW Bug with a manual transmission and taught myself to drive it. Had a lot of fun in that Bug. . .

 

[dragnlaw]

 

[Phaedra]

 

[Andy M.]

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I've missed my exit.

 

[Andy M.]

Today I saw a dwarf climbing down a prison wall.I thought to myself, "That's a little condescending"

 

[Andy M.]

They say every piece of chocolate eaten shortens your life by two minutes. I've done the math. Seems I died in 1537.

 

[Andy M.]

I got myself a seniors' GPS. Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.

 

[Andy M.]

 

[Andy M.]

 

[Andy M.]

A paraprosdokian is a sentence or statement with an unexpected ending. It means “against expectations” in Greek. Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter

Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday, but couldn't find any.

What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?
A maybe.

I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.

Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today?
I don't know and don't really care.

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population?
Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.

I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!”

Need an ark?
I Noah guy.

You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?
He was lucky it was a soft drink
To the mathematician who thought of the idea of zero. Thanks for nothing!

Son: "Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
Dad: "No sun.

 

[Phaedra]

@Andy M.

 

[Phaedra]

A man was coming out of a café when he saw a very unusual funeral passing by. A coffin was followed by a second coffin, behind which walked a man with a large black dog. Following him was a procession of 200 men in single file.

He asked the man with the dog, whose funeral was it, as he had never seen a funeral like this before. The man replied that it was for his wife, who had been killed by the dog.

'Then who is in the second coffin?', he asked. The man said it was his wife's mother, who had tried to save her, but had also been killed by the dog.

After a moment's thought, the first man said thoughtfully, 'Would you be prepared to let me look after the dog?'.

'Join the queue', the mourner replied.

 

[Andy M.]

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by ayoung new doctor.

After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"Whats wrong with you?" he demanded. This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said: "Does she still have the hiccups?"

 

[Phaedra]

Takeaway Diet Lunch