Today's Funny

[Kathleen]

@Phaedra In Germany, I passed a pizza shop that advertised an American Pizza. It was topped with hotdogs.

 

[dragnlaw]

 

[Andy M.]

LAUGHING IN COURT

How do court stenographers keep a straight face?
These are from a book called "Disorder in the Court" and are things
people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published
by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges
were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
__________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
__________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
__________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
__________



ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
__________



ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
__________



ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
__________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
__________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
__________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
__________

ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you attend?
WITNESS: Oral.
__________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
__________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[dragnlaw]

Well, I didn't do a count but I'm pretty sure the Attorney's lost that round!

 

[Phaedra]

 

[GinnyPNW]

View attachment 64930

I think I've seen that guy!!

 

[Phaedra]

Has anyone seen my cat?

 

[Phaedra]

Somebody just gave me a box of home-made chocolate cakes

 

[dragnlaw]

Ooops?- I don't get it.

 

[dragnlaw]

My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy. The truth is I'm just being more energy efficient.

 

[medtran49]

Ooops?- I don't get it.

Brussel sprouts

 

[Phaedra]

Ooops?- I don't get it.

 

[dragnlaw]

LOL, I could see it was a cabbage, or sprouts as the case may be, but colour me dumb I still don't get the reference to cake?
this is not my finest hour,

 

[taxlady]

LOL, I could see it was a cabbage, or sprouts as the case may be, but colour me dumb I still don't get the reference to cake?
this is not my finest hour,

Same here, I don't understand the cake reference either.

I do understand this one.

 

[GotGarlic]

View attachment 64907

This was created by AI, right?

 

[Phaedra]

LOL, I could see it was a cabbage, or sprouts as the case may be, but colour me dumb I still don't get the reference to cake?
this is not my finest hour,

Apologies for not answering sooner but I was offline for the Sabbath, and then we had a power cut this evening.

I nicked I mean borrowed it from elsewhere, and that was the heading she had put. She had nicked borrowed it from yet somewhere else, and said that was the heading the person had put on there.

So I copied it...

 

[Phaedra]

This was created by AI, right?

You think I know? I find things when I am looking for something else and get side-tracked - and end up forgetting what I was looking for in the first place.

Pinterest is my downfall. Mostly.

 

[GotGarlic]

You think I know? I find things when I am looking for something else and get side-tracked - and end up forgetting what I was looking for in the first place.

Pinterest is my downfall. Mostly.

When I was growing up, our local newspaper had a columnist who wrote a column every few months called "Things I learned en route to looking up other things." I loved it

 

[taxlady]

This was created by AI, right?

One would hope so. But, if the picture is created by AI, they have gone to a lot of effort to make it seem real. I did an internet search and found this:

Product “Dr.Oetker Pizzaburger Hot Dog” | The Open Food Repo

The Open Food Repo is a freely and openly accessible database of barcoded food products sold in Switzerland. It is run by the Digital Epidemiology Lab at EPFL.

www.foodrepo.org

 

[Phaedra]