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Old 10-17-2014, 05:27 AM   #6351
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HORSE TRADING

Jim strode into ‘John’s Stable’ looking to buy a horse. “Listen here” said John, “I’ve got just the horse your looking for, the only thing is, he was trained by an interesting fellow. He doesn’t go and stop the usual way. The way to get him to stop is to scream heyhey the way to get him to go is to scream Thank God."

Jim nodded his head, “fine with me, can I take him for a test run?”

Jim was having the time of his life. This horse sure could run he thought to himself.

Jim was speeding down the dirt road when he suddenly saw a cliff up ahead “stop!” screamed Jim, but the horse kept on going. No matter how much he tried he could not remember the words to get it to stop. “yoyo” screamed Jim but the horse just kept on speeding ahead. It was 5 feet from the cliff when Jim suddenly remembered “heyhey!” Jim screamed. The horse skidded to a halt just 1 inch from the cliff.

Jim could not believe his good fortune, he looked up to the sky, raise his hands in the air, breathed a deep sigh of relief and said with conviction “Thank God.”
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Old 10-18-2014, 09:42 AM   #6352
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The Priest's Retirement Speech

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"Thank goodness Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor! I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that you people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the Priest finished his talk ,the politican arrived full of apologies at being late.

He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: "Ill never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician.

In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!

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Old 10-18-2014, 11:19 AM   #6353
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So cuuuuuuttteee!

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Old 10-18-2014, 01:54 PM   #6354
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsLMB View Post
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"Thank goodness Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor! I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss's wife; had sex with his boss's 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions; taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that you people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the Priest finished his talk ,the politican arrived full of apologies at being late.

He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: "Ill never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician.

In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late!

ROFL!!!
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Old 10-19-2014, 08:20 AM   #6355
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Poor Phil

The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.

"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of his scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.

"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath.

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum"
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Old 10-19-2014, 10:54 AM   #6356
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Okay. Food joke. Food joke.

Do you know what happens when you eat 4 cans of alphabet soup?










You have one heck of a vowel movement.

However, I think in my case a secondary effect would be to also have an uncontrollable desire to watch Wheel of Fortune.
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Old 10-19-2014, 12:03 PM   #6357
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Quote:
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...

"I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum"
wheeze...gasp
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Old 10-19-2014, 12:04 PM   #6358
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katie H View Post
Okay. Food joke. Food joke.

Do you know what happens when you eat 4 cans of alphabet soup?










You have one heck of a vowel movement.

However, I think in my case a secondary effect would be to also have an uncontrollable desire to watch Wheel of Fortune.
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Old 10-20-2014, 01:59 AM   #6359
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Bwahaha

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Old 10-20-2014, 02:19 AM   #6360
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I resemble that! I must say, we do a nice job at parallel parking too.
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