Hi, songofpraise. Welcome to DC. We're happy you've found us.
I, too, am the oldest of 5, but I've been cooking for nearly 50 years so I'm just a little ahead of you in the learning curve.
Ouch! I don't think I'd want a "quarter-pounder of old carpet" either.
I use my microwave and toaster oven all the time, but have never cooked hamburgers in them. But, don't fret, answers will come soon.
While you're waiting, why don't you browse through our forums to see all the goodies offered there.