I need advice

[GB]

I had a real horrible situation come up this weekend that is making me sick to me stomach. I got into a huge fight with my mother. Here is the background.

My mother babysits for us about 2 days a week. We are very fortunate and thankful to have her for that. My wife leaves notes each day for everything from feeding times, to what Rachel should eat, to rules we have put in place, and just about anything else you could think of. Well one of the notes last week said something along the lines of not giving Rachel any foods that we have not specifically said we OK. My wife stressed about how to word it to make sure it did not sound out of line or pushy or anything.

Mom babysat for us this Saturday. When we got home she told us about how she gave Rach some sort of cereal thing. She told this to my wife when I was in the other room. This was something that was not on our approved food list. My wife told me about this the next day.

So I call mom to tell her something and I mention the note and ask if she read it. She said yes. I ask her about the part about not feeding her stuff we have not OK'ed. She said the note didnt say anything about that. I had the note right in front of me so I read it and sure enough she was right, so I said sorry and hung up. I called my wife and found out she meant a note from a few days ago, not the one I was looking at. I called mom back and told her so. Then she floored me. Her response to that was "So sue me". I could not believe she just said that. It was like she was telling me that I don't care what is in the notes, I am going to do as I please. Well we got into a screaming match. She was mad at me for yelling at her. i was mad at her for disregarding what we told her and thinking she can do whatever she wants with our daughter with no regard for our wishes. I felt I had ever right in the world to yell at her.

A side note is that this is not the first time she has pulled something like that. there was something else that mom was doing that greatly bothered my wife, but she was too nervous to tell my mom, so I spoke to her. I talked to her multiple times, but she kept doing what I asked to not to do. It was only when my wife finally said something to her that she stopped doing it.

I told me brother this story and he thinks I should apologize for hurting her even if I do not feel I should. He think I am completely right in this case, but both mom and I are extremely stubborn people and he thinks I should be the bigger person and say sorry. I am having a VERY hard time with this as I feel like if I say sorry then she will think I did not have a right to get upset and that is the last thing I want to convey. I also feel she should be the one to come to me and ask for forgiveness. In all fairness, she did apologize on the phone, but it was not a sincere apology. It was more of a yelling apology, something like "FINE I am SORRY, What else do you want me to say???"

So what do you guys think? I need advice!

 

[licia]

I'm a grandmother and wouldn't go against the wishes of my children. I admit you are in quite a spot. If it was something that wasn't good for my child (didn't see the age of your child), I would definitely have a problem, but if it is something minimal, I would give her some latitude. After all, she raised you and your brother and hopefully, you both turned out well. Sounds to me like you either need to have a heart to heart talk with your mother, or get another babysitter.

 

[GB]

Thanks licia. What she gave the baby (she is 8 months old) was nothing bad. It was a cheerio type of food and Rachel does eat Cheerios. The issue we had is we gave her specific rules to not do it and she decided to do it anyway. She told me she knew there was nothing wrong with what she gave her. I asked her what would have happened if she had an allergic reaction. Our doctor wanted us to introduce new foods one at a time and to give the new food 5 days before trying something new in case there was an allergy. My mom did not know what we had tried or hadn't tried so if Rachel did have an allergy we would not know what it was from necessarily.

She brought up the fact that she raised two children who turned out fine, but I pointed out that this is not her child. She had her turn to raise her kids. this is my child and my wife and I should be the ones to make the decisions.

 

[jennyema]

Ugh. I am sorry you are in a pickle like this.

How badly do you need her as a babysitter? Because, even though the cheerios-type thing may have been ok, that's not the point. She should not be disregarding your rules about what the baby eats. Under any circumstances. What might seem innocuous to your mom may be dangerous or have future repurcussions.

It might be a case where your mother forgot about the note, did something wrong, was called on it and has now become defensive about it. Maybe you could apologize for any confusion the various notes caused and then stress the importance of following the pediatrician's orders. Maybe say "I know you didn't feed her the forbidden cereal on purpose ..." Exonerate her for her mistake. If she argues that it wasn't a mistake. That she knows that it was ok for your daughter, etc., then this suggests that she would do it again. In that case, I would not let her sit anymore, sorry to say.

 

[htc]

Hi GB, bear in mind when you are reading this that I have no biological children of my own to raise, but my 8 year old step son lives with us full time.

First, my vote is for the apologize to your Mom, just because she's your Mom. But at the same time, you should turn around and explain more of the whys behind your choice. Maybe if you can somehow make her feel like a part of the process, she will be more willing to abide by your wishes. Just a thought.

Do you know if the type of cherrios she gave baby was just because she didn't have the approved kind in her house? Maybe she ran out?? Just wanted to give baby something to snack on.

Anyways, I think you will run into these small types of parent/grandparent confrontations for a while. Calvin (my stepson) used to go to Granny's house all the time, but she never abided by our rules (i.e. decent bed time, not too much sweets--she let him have 3 krispy kreme donuts in 1 sitting, too much TV, letting him talk back to her, etc.) It got to the point that DH just decided to put his foot down and talked to her. It got better, but by just a little. Now, Calvin doesn't get to go overnight as often, mostly for the day to hang out. We've realized that though it won't be to our exact liking, we've learned what is w/in our comfort level.

 

[tancowgirl2000]

wow what a bag of worms!!! I have been fighting this "Im the grandmother and I know whats good" crap for a long time! I have no tolerance for it. When I first read the post my first thoguth was the "allergies", and as your mother so kindly put it she raised 2 quite fine! Well what if Rachel had a deathly reaction to an ingredient in what ever she gave ehr. Does your mom realize how deadly some foods can be? ASK her if she would want that hanging on her shoulders for the rest of her life! Its not to be mean but your right there are reasons for RULES! If she cant abide by them perhaps you could hide the "uncertain" foods till you know for sure. I know it sounds bad but if you get another sitter whats to say this sitter will regard you with respect? I wouldnt apologize to your mother because this is something you firmly believe in! If it was something little than ok, but come on! Dont give in, if you do the next time it will be the same thing. Your daughter comes first and she should realize that!

 

[GB]

Thanks for your thoughts HTC. She was at a friends house with her grandchildren as well. The other kids were eating these cheerios so mom gave then to Rachel as well. We send her with plenty of food so there would not have been a reason for her to need to eat the cheerio, only that mom wanted to give it to her, because it is very cute to watch

 

[Earlzach]

GB, Let me first say I feel your are some what controlled by your wife. I am not trying to be harsh please hear me out. You wife has you to the point you will contest your parents because you wont win with your wife. It is easier for you to deal with your folks on a level you might never have before. They wont fight you back and it hurts you some to hurt them. If your mom is helping out with your child in a monor your wife dont see fit then ask your wife what she really likes in you, because I dont feel your mom is doing anything different now then when you were being raised. I hear some controlling in your statements, you aim to satisfy your wifes ideas of "being a perfect parent" and only your wifes rules will do with anyone she is around. It isnt about weather what your mom gave was bad but yet that your wife didnt pre-approve. This is a form of being controlling. It has you defencive with your folks and That is not good. You need to take a stand to your wife just a little and remind her where you came from. I see it some in my bride to some extent but we can talk about it. I live here too and it is not always going to be her way. Please best of luck, And I really hope I am wrong if you know what I meen. (pardon all spelling)

 

[GB]

Thanks Tanis. I brought up the allergy thing to her and that was one of the few times (if not the only time) that mom actually conceded that I had a point.

I agree with what you are saying about other babysitters and I would trust my mom over a stranger ANY day. I also know that she would never do anything to put my babys life in danger and that she would lay down her own life to protect her. It comes down to respect though and my wife and I feel she is not respecting our right as parents to raise our child how we see fit. On the babysitter issue, my MIL is our other babysitter (they each have two days each week). She would never do anything that we said she could not do. She is always checking with us and double checking to make sure we are comfortable with what she is doing. She has offered (not related to this situation) to retire from her job and babysit every day we need her if we ever wanted that, so we do have an option if it were to come to that. I would not want to do that to my mom as she treasures every second with Rachel and she would be very hurt if it came to that, but is she leaves us no other option then at least we have other possibilities. I do not anticipate it coming to that, but like you said Tanis, my daughter comes first!

 

[htc]

GB, I guess I'm not surprised then that she gave the snacks to baby when she wasn't supposed to. When you do talk to her about this again, maybe you can tell her when she's out and about in a social setting, she can pin the blame on you.

She can just shrug and say, oh well, the parents don't want baby eating this or that, so I'm just following the rules. This way you can accept any and all critisism that she may get for being strict on the diet. Putting it back on yourself might make it easier for her to follow the rules.

Dang, I HATE these grandparent confrontations. GB, get ready for the day that you hear this "I'm Grandma, I can spoil or do whatever I want, I've earned that right." or something like that!

BTW, I didn't know you could only give a baby 5 foods at a time! Man, that makes for a REALLY boring menu!!

 

[GB]

Earlzach, with all due respect, you could not be further from the truth. It is not my wifes rules. It is OUR rules as a parent. The reason I was the one to talk to my mom and not my wife is that my wife is very polite and soft spoken and would get bulldozed by my mother in a conversation like this.

the fact that my mom is not doing anything that she didn't do when she was raising me is irrelevant. This is not her child to raise. Things have also changed quite a lot since that time. When I was a child there was no such things as child car seats. I sat on someones lap when i was an infant and I bet they were not wearing a seatbelt. Now you could probably be arrested for that.

My wife wrote the rules because she is the main caretaker. I am VERY involved in my babys upbringing, but her mother still does more than I do. She wrote the note, but the rules she wrote were rules than she and I came up with together.

 

[GB]

BTW, I didn't know you could only give a baby 5 foods at a time! Man, that makes for a REALLY boring menu!!

Oh I think you misunderstood me on this part. When introducing a new food we need to try that food for 5 days without introducing another new food. Right now she eats a lot of things, lots of fruits and veggies and cereal, eggs, thing like that. Right now she is on day two of trying eggs so if we wanted to try a new fruit that she has not had before than we would need to wait a few days to do that. She could still eat all the other things that she has already had previously though

 

[tancowgirl2000]

HTC it's easier than it sounds! Five different foods a week, but you have also those other foods you have already tried. And baby's are so very easily adaptable....man I can speak good. Being as you have no children of your own that you've had to go threw the food with I can see how hard it would be to understand. I watched like a hawk when my kids were little. I still watch them cuz allergies can form at ANY time in their lives.

GB I would talk to your mom on a civial no yelling basis....face to face and really drill to her what the out come can be. Sure she raised you guys to her fullest but back then Im sure they didnt have the additives in their foods like we do today. As per caution while I have this thought, watch Rachel with tomatoes. Sounds funny but they are a highly allergic food. Same as with anything with nuts, of course you would know that one. But anyone Ive talked to doesnt think of tomatoes. Im sure your mom means the best and loves Rachel dearly, what grandparent wouldn't but they often more than not dont see the harm. Its a hard position as you know but you know where I stand on it.......

 

[tancowgirl2000]

man I hate when people are posting at the same time...lol

 

[htc]

Whew! Ok that sounds a lot more reasonable. For a minute I was trying to come up with different menu items for baby with the five ingredient limit!

 

[Earlzach]

Like I said I wasnt trying to be harsh, But I certainly dont feel your mom would endanger your baby. I am not sure your giving them enough credit as adults who have done this raising a child thing before. I am sorry for feeling your wife had something to do with this anger. It must have been the " I put it in the note" and you raised cane before you noticed it wanst in the note. That to me just came off as an over reaction that seemed unnecessary. A whole grain cheerio isnt the end of the world. And as far as allergies to make everyone feel like they cant enjoy your baby maybe you should go get her allergy tested first. Then everyone wont be on eggshells when they have her in their care. Or like most become aware of your childs condition naturally, If you baby had an allergic reaction to a single cheerio sounds like a better way to find out than to give a bowl of it later. If it has nothing to do with conrolling then it sounds like over protection. and it dont sound fair to do to your own family. A cheerio? Please isnt worth the argument. Your baby will pick up worse things on her own and put them in her mouth. That is the real concerns you should have and that can happin in a second right in front of you or your wife. I didnt meen to stir a pot over this. I will not comment anymore. And sorry to imply the controll part.

 

[GB]

Earlzach, no offense taken. you are just voicing your opinion which is exactly what I asked people to do here.

I think you are possibly misunderstanding my point with this issue though. it has absolutely nothing to do with the cheerio. I have no doubt that the baby would be no harmed by eating it (aside from a possible allergy). The issue we have is that we specifically told her that she is NOT to give her any foods we have not already approved and she decided that she did not have to follow our rules. She disrespected out wishes as the parent. She decided that she was the parent and what we said did not matter. She was going to do what she wanted. That is the issue we have.

 

[Raine]

The "sue me" response could have been to mean, OK I made a mistake so sue me.

And don't take everything the doctor says to heart.

When my were small they didn't want you to introduce cereal until they were about 3 months old. I started mine on cereal at about 3 weeks. Not a lot, more milk than cereal. But it help them start sleeping throught the night. As a little cereal was a little more filling than just straight milk. The doctor would have probably had a stroke if he knew I started the cereal. However the doctor wasn't the one staying up all night with a baby.

Two differences between doctors and grandparents. Most of the doctors advise is from schooling, medical journals, grandparents is from experience.

As parents we need to try to take the two and balance them with a little intuition and common sense.

If Rachel has allegeries and has a lot of problems, then yes, you have to introduce foods and see how she reacts. If she doesn't chances are she'll be ok eating most anything she likes.

Just remember, the doctor is not 100% correct, your parents, your wife's parents were not perfect, and they won't be perfect as grandparents either, and neither will you.

It happens a lot with first time parents, to be a little over-protective. Had a neighbor once, who was that way. She called the doctor for every little sniffle, scratch, etc until finally the doctor told her she was carrying it a bit too far, and didn't need to call the office at every little thing.

If there were known foods (allegeries) on the list and she gave them to her, that's one issue. How does a food get on your approved list? You have to introduce her to it and see if there is a reaction. So what would you do, if she has a reaction to something you fed her? I doubt that your mother would not seek medical treatment if she had a reaction to a food.

Sometimes, kids can eat things for months or years before they have a reaction. A good friend of mine nephew was like that. He had been eating peanuts for about 3 years before he one day had a reaction to one nut. A nut/food he had been eating all along until that point.


Same things applies to discpline. Years ago the professionals were saying not to spank your children, damaged their psyhic, so parents didn't. Now that we have a generation or 2 of unruley, all about me and what I want kids running around, the same professionals are now saying it is ok to apply a little spanking.

 

[tancowgirl2000]

wow!!! All thoughts are welcomed on any post. Even here. Did you not say at one time your wife was pregnant? Is this your first? I wonder how you'll feel. Its easy to be objective when you dont have one already. My kids are always putting weird stuff in their mouths, its a guarntee you CAN NOT keep everything from them. As for your remark about "Oh it's just a cheerio" pretty much let it be, it wasnt just a cheerio, it was a bar if you didnt see that! The point is not what she had, but why she was given it when it was made clear that she wasnt to have anything out of the ordinary. As for been there done that additude, well they have but like I said in the previous post, the foods then didnt have the additives they do now. I dont know why I got my nose in this but you will soon find out how it is when you have your baby...its a whole new ball game then....

 

[GB]

Raine I agree that we should not take everything the doctor says to heart, and we don't. We use our own judgment to decide what to listen to and what not to listen to. My point is that My mother should not have that liberty. If we had not Specifically told her to not give her any unapproved foods then this would be a non issue. It is the fact the she read the note, saw we did not want her to do something, and then decided to go behind our backs and do it anyway.

yes first time parents can be over protective. Everyone has told us that we are not in that category at all though. Our baby is constantly being passed around from person to person. My mother brings the baby with her everywhere she goes (work, mall, temple, shopping, nail appointments, you name it) and we have never had any issue with any of this. Maybe internally we have not always been thrilled with all of this, but we allowed it because we did not want to be over protective and we knew the baby was in good hands.

When someone goes behind your back and does something you specifically said not to though, that is crossing a line IMO.