I need advice

[kadesma]

GB,

I agree with Allen and Alix, as a grandma, I'm very lucky...MY girls turn the boys over to me for care almost ever day...Cade learned to roll over, crawl, cut his teeth, walk, here in my home as he and his parents lived here while their home was being built. I had a lot of say with how he was taken care of, but only because mommy and daddy gave it to me...We always talked over feeding bedtime, bath time..I hated being given a bad time when my kids were little by someone who would do exactaly what they were asked not to do with my babies..So I made up my mind that what my kids said and wanted for their kids would be what I did, like it or not. I do think you need to sit mom down tell her you love her and love how she loves Rachel, but, she has to please follow the rules..You might next time set out formula, snacks, food and leave instructions that can be followed.. You need your mom so does Rachel need her gamma..Explain that you want her to be close with Rachel, but, Rachel is unable to care for herself and that she comes first. I hope your mom, can accept this, I'm sure she will try, her feelings are just feeling stepped on and not appreciated now...But, I also know, she loves you dearly and would do anything in the world for you...Give her one more chance..I understand about introducing new foods, we are doing that with Carson now and I'm still careful about Ethan's foods as well.
Hugs to you all, sit down look into your little girls face, ask gramma to do the same and ask her what she wants for Rachel? Bet, she trys to work with you...
kadesma

 

[Brooksy]

As grandparents we spoil our granddaughter rotten. DW nurses her all day (well almost) & plays with her whenever she can, takes her for long walks, shows her all new things etc etc.

But we would never ever go against our daughter's wishes!!! If we considered that her (or their) conditions or requests were wrong then we would ask for clarification or reasons for the request. These would then be discussed AS A FAMILY.

Remembering both our parents spoiling our kids in a similar manner, never going against our requests. My mum would say,"Oh poofals to you." She's gone now and I miss her dearly.

I'm also very headstrong like my mum was, we had arguments but never heated. I really miss her but thankfully we still have DW's parents, and we still ask their advice about Grandparenting.

Give your mum a hug, a big hug and see what happens.

It's every grandparents right to spoil their grandkids, but it must be done in the right spirit.

God bless you and your entire family GB

 

[Earlzach]

I don't see that as a form of control of the wife over the husband.
Sorry about my post.

I got the impression when he said his wife spoke of a note to his mom so he called his mom only to find out it wasn't in the note. I felt his fast response was to satisfy his wife first.



Then goes on to speak of something else that his wife told him later about that he had to tell his mom to stop. It just looked for a moment to me that he was getting a rashin when they would get away from his mom. It looked like he always had to go back and stir a pot about something. I said also "I hope I am wrong" You see I didn’t wish this thought in any way. But he didn’t nip anything in the bud until tipped of by his wife. That was my reason of thought.

In all due respect his mom is just a temporary babysitter that gets paid good money to help these two out a couple of days a week. She prolly never has had to put out one red cent for anything for the baby or them as a couple for that matter. So I stand corrected. As a grandma she should stop over stepping her bounds and start acting more like a baby sitter. I know you all are reading thinking what is he talking about? But yes I hope my mom and dad are more than this to my child. I am sure they wont do everything the way I feel is fit. And yes I will be over protective however I was raised right and I have enough common since to know that they will in no means intentionally or ignorantly harm my child. I hope that if something happens to my wife and I my child is cared for with out the fear of, what would I be thinking right now about the person or family that looked after him/her. It just isn’t worth it with family. Should everyone be on the edge every time the baby is around as to what can or cant I do? I already said I didn’t mean to say it the way I said it. I was just reading into his "my wife told me so I called" I am glad I was wrong about the control. It was just how I read it at first.



GB, I certainly hope things get worked out. If your relationship with your mom is just business then by all means you must do and say what is necessary to make sure your child is safe from her. Man that just sounds ugly as heck but I can’t help but feel that is the level we are putting mom. Sorry for the rant. And I hope my views wont make me a bad parent for giving my parents some adult freedom to enjoy smiles from their grand child.



Some will say its just a cheerio now but what is next?

I ask you what is next? A fruit loop? Apple Jack? c'mon it just don’t seem worth the feelings. Maybe a little hint to mom, about where you’re heading with her diet? Leaving notes is silly. Especially if they are always a list of "don’t do’s", that is belittling to your mother. If the notes are supported with positive things you want your mom and child to do as pleasure or give your mom the chance to introduce then this could be a better way to stop her of one thing and give a freedom to another. Not so much that she endangered your baby with cereal. I little fineness can go a long way with this and not look so much like mom is incompetent. I feel for your mom she wants your trust but to always correct will get old. And the sue me makes me think she feels your over reacting. Don’t wear out your welcome to extent your mom don’t let you leave the baby with her. It will be the child that doesn’t under stand.



I am sure you and your wife have all of the best intentions to be good parents. And it sounds like you will be. But don’t under mind those who have already waded in the water that you are just now getting your feet wet in. I am not the best help you will find, that I promise. I may have been fast to judge your Wife and your relationship and I do deeply apologize for that.

Like I said before best of luck and I still hope everything works out.

Sorry so Long!!

 

[SizzlininIN]

I don't want you to think by my not responding I don't care about your situation but having lost my mother last year I'd gladly let her give my child his first drink of pop again even though I thought it was a little too soon.

 

[lindatooo]

I'm a new Grandma and I've been recently visited by Son and DIL and my Darling. Lil has had some allergy issues so I tried most carefully not to offer any of the forbidden foods.

They live far away so I am not able to sit for her and that tears at my heart but I understand that their rules are the only rules and I would do nothing to abrogate them.

They told me she loves mashed potatoes.

They also told me she has at least a skin allergy to fresh cows milk - her little arms and face blister. So she drinks soy milk.

But at the dinner table she was sitting next to me and reached for my mashed potatoes and of course I gave her a spoonful. Never thinking that I make my mashed potaoes with butter and milk - I also, however, re-warm them after the ricing and mixing in a warming drawer for at least 20 - 30 minutes so the milk was likely cooked.

My DIL pounced on her little hand and wiped the offending stuff off before she could get it to her mouth.

I felt terrible. Looking back it was probably ok but it wasn't my place to decide that.

They were probably overprotective. I was probably not thoughtful enough. Nobody wins, though, when mistakes are made in to family feuds.

Yes, I successfully raised my son (and sometimes I wonder how!) to be a good man and a devoted husband and father. Now it's his turn to make his judgments - their judgments. Mom - that is GrandMom has to sever the control and allow the young parents to do their own thing.

Still nobody chastised me. Lil survived unscathed and I was not attacked. Love is the most important thing - love your mother and allow her to love your child. If she is unsafe with respect to foods then she shouldn't baby sit. But if she makes some innocent errors, forgive her and let her love your baby.

Hugs to your little one -

2

 

[PA Baker]

GB, I feel for you. Waht a terrible situation for you and your DW to be in! You've gotten a lot of good advice from some people here so I don't have too much to add except to say that there are ways of apologizing without really coming out and saying you're sorry. Something to the effect of "Please know how much your babysitting Rachel means to us. You're a huge help to our family and that's why this has been hard on us, but I'm glad we've been able to see each other's sides and I know you won't let it happen again." Something like that will perhaps (hopefully) appease both sides?

And just to make you smile, my MIL told me a story this weekend that she said I should remember in case our daughter is born "an eater" like my DH apparently was. She said when he was two weeks old he seemed like he was still hungry after having his forumla so she started putting him to bed with a bottle of rice cereal. She just cut the nipple off so he could get it out! Lo and behold in his baby book there was a picture of him in his crib, on his stomach with a blanket pulled up to his chin with a big bottle of cereal next to him! Yes, she's right, I'll remember that story!

 

[Raven]

I don't mean to sound like I'm making light of your situation because in fact I'm being quite serious, but there is no worse position for a man to be in than caught between his mother and his wife, especially when child rearing is involved.

I wish I could advise you on this one but it seems every circumstance is different. I've had problems where I was able to mediate the two and get them to meet half way and then I've had problems where I had to just "be there" for both of them individually and wait it out.

I'll say a prayer for you.

~ Raven ~

 

[GB]

Thank you everyone for your advice. I have found it very helpful.

I want to clarify a few points because I think so of the things I have said might have been taken the wrong way or misunderstood possibly.

The fight my mom and I are having has absolutely nothing to do with the cheerio or the fact that she could possibly have a reaction to a new food. The only thing the fight has to do with is that we specifically asked her to not do something and she did it anyway. It could have just as easily been that we didn't want mom to take her to the beach or something like that, but it has nothing to do with the cheerio it self. She made a decision to ignore our specific request which we found completely disrespectful and hurtful.

We know and have acknowledged that the grandparents will spoil out little girl. As a matter of fact we have told both sets of grandparents that that is their JOB. They should not have to worry about anything other than loving her and showing that love however they want. We joke about it all the time with both sets of grandparents that Rachel is the most spoiled baby to ever walk the face of the earth. There is a right way to spoil and a wrong way to spoil though. The wrong way is to do something that the parents have specifically said not to do. Not only is it disrespectful, but it teaches a bad lesson to Rachel. This will teach her that it is OK to not listen to your parents. "Mom and Dad told grandma we couldn't do this, but grandma said we will do it anyway". That undermines our ability as parents. The correct way to spoil her would be to do something fun with her that we have not said they could not do. When I was young my grandparents would spoil me to death, but they never once did something my parents asked them not to do.

Another point I need to clear up is the fact that we write notes. These notes are not notes of rules for the most part. They are notes of where things are, when things will probably happen, and an occasional rule. The notes might say something like "Rachel woke up at 5am today so she will probably be ready for a bottle at around 7. Try giving her some apples and pears, but she might fight you so if that does not work then you can try some cereal. There are bottles in the cooler and cheerios in a zip lock bag in the front pocket of the diaper bag. Her teeth have been bothering her a lot this week so if you need, there is baby Tylenol in the diaper bag". Those are the types of notes that we leave and both grandmas have been happy to have them. Occasionally we will include a new rule that we want them to be aware of. We do say these things face to face, but we often only see each other for about 2 minutes while giving them the baby as we all (parents and grandparents) have very busy work and life schedules and do not have more time to sit down and discuss things all the time. Another reason to have these things in a note is because my mother has a habit of saying things like "I don't remember you saying that". Well that gets old fast and if it is in writing then she can't say that.

 

[tancowgirl2000]

Im glad you clarified, but I thought it was clear. I hope things work out and "Mom" realizes the impotance of the little things!

 

[GB]

Thanks Tanis. Things WILL work out. I have a very strong relationship with my mother and we have been through a lot worse than this. I am still very upset at her and I am sure she is still very upset at me. It would take a heck of a lot more to do any permanent damage to our relationship though (thankfully).

 

[corazon]

Like I said, she probably didn't think it would be that big of a deal, especially if your daughter has had something similar to what she was giving her. And at least, she didn't lie to you about it and tell you she didn't give your daughter anything out of the ordinary. Be glad that she's honest with you rather than keeping things from you. I think PA is right, tell your mom how appreciative you are for her without saying you're sorry.

 

[mrsmac]

I don't want you to think by my not responding I don't care about your situation but having lost my mother last year I'd gladly let her give my child his first drink of pop again even though I thought it was a little too soon.

I'm with you Sizz, I loved my mum to pieces and she died when my youngest was 2 so I would let her feed Erin bugs if I could have her back.

 

[lindatooo]

You've received lots of good advice. I would add one more thought.


Let it go.

Just let it go.

I think your point has been made - hug your mom, love your wife and enjoy your daughter but let this one go.

Be happy that you have a loving family and just let this one thing go.

Hugs,

2

 

[pdswife]

No advice.. just a hug sent across the states.

 

[mish]

GB, sorry you are feeling badly. I have no advice, but merely my personal observation about relationships/relatives/family - We (?) seem to treat and react differently to others, than we would our relatives/family etc. It is easier to say to a non-relative "These are my wishes, please respect them." When it comes to family, I think the "rule book" is thrown out the window.

There was an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond on TV last night, where the couple was trying to be "nicer" to one another. In the end, the "normal" responses/reactions "won out." Not comparing your situation to a TV sitcom, but guess it's just part of life. My personal solution when it comes to family/relatives - move as far away as possible - leave no forwarding address. Hope you know this is partly tongue-in-cheek, and an attempt to help you feel better.

 

[marmalady]

Awww, GeeBee - What a mess! My thoughts (for what they're worth) -

I think our parents' generation were less concerned with diet and infants; after all, there were far fewer allergies, and far less potentially contaminated food for the wee ones to get into. So the remark from your mom, 'so sue me' may have come from a place where she just thought you were 'making much ado about nothing'. I'm not making excuses for her; it was a flip comment that showed no respect for you or your wife.

Re should you apologize - (since I'm rather a hothead, I've done this once or twice myself! ) - If you feel a need to apologize to keep the family dynamics in one piece, then just apologize for blowing up at her - NOT what it was you were upset about in the first place.

Then - if by now you're still keeping mom as a babysitter, I'd suggest instead of leaving notes all the time, that the 3 of you sit down; perhaps have a little notebook ready that's been tabbed with headings like feeding/dressing/sleeping/ etc., with your notes in it. Go over everything in the notebook, to make sure everyone's on the 'same page' about what to do and not to do.

Heck, I can remember having huge fights with MIL about breastfeeding my kids; 'how did I know how much they were getting? - Isn't he eating too often? - and the worst - just let him cry, it's good for him!' Thank goodness for me, she was just visiting from a place way, way far away!!!

(((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))) to you and your wife and beautiful little girl!

 

[GB]

LOL Mish, we joke about Everybody Loves Raymond all the time because when we talk about moving my mother says that they will move too so they are always close to us.

OK here is an update...

I have been fuming about this whole situation, trying to decide what to do. I decided to take the advice of the people here who said to apologize for yelling, but I did not feel like I should have to make the first move. While I have been fuming about this I realized one of the reasons I am still so mad at her. She had yet to apologize to my wife. Regardless of what she and I went through she should have at the very least said she was sorry to my wife.

I am a mess. I have not slept well since this happened. Anytime I do not have something like work occupying my mind (and even sometimes when I do) I am going over this again and again in my head. My wife is the same way. I have no doubt that my mom and dad are experiencing much the same thing. To make matters worse (or maybe better), my grandparents are coming up from Florida next week and will be spending the Jewish holidays with us. There is no way we can hang out with everyone in the same room as mom and pretend everything is normal. My wife came to me in tears this morning and said we need to do something. I called my dad and asked if they could both come over Fri night. He and I talked for about an hour. He has tried to discuss this a little with mom, but they really haven't talked much about it. He said he would call her and ask if they would come over to talk on Friday. I get a call back from him a few minutes later, without an answer. She was too busy at work to discuss it, but was upset that I didn't call her. She was also upset that I picked Fri. She said I was inconvieniecing her by picking that day. That got me so angry. I reached out to try to end this. She could have called me, but was mad at me because I didn't call her. I never demanded we meet on Friday, I merely offered it as a day we could meet. She is just looking for things to fight about now. But I am going to let all of that go, because it is not worth bringing up with her. She finally agreed to meet Fri so we will see what happens. I am sure, whatever happens, this will be all over with tomorrow. Wish me luck.

 

[Earlzach]

Good Luck, I for one dont like families to fued.
Also For got to mention, Wife found out yesterday we are having a boy!!

 

[corazon]

Good luck GB! I hope it all turns out well for your family!

And congrats to Earlzach!

 

[kitchenelf]

Good luck GB - ok, I erased everything I wrote because I'm sure you're tired of the whole thing - it's not fun to have a family issue like this weigh on our lives. Good luck tomorrow {{{{{{GB and MrsGB}}}}}}.