Your Best Tall Tale

[Chief Longwind Of The North]

I was once fishin' with my best friend on the Niagra River. We were just castin' into da river with nightcrawlers wigglin' on the hooks. Well, the grass was kinda tall and pretty much hid us from the spooky trout, so we figured we'd catch sumpin'.

My buddy, got a little bit over-exuberant, if'n ya know what I mean, and let go of his fishin' pole when he was tryin' ta cast that worm out inta the water. But that pole got caught up in the tall grass and hung there, part on the bank and part over the water. We was wonderin' if it was gonna fall inta the drink.

Well, my buddy bein' a bit on the slow side, I moved first, a tryin' to save that gaphite fishin' pole. Ya know, they makes graphite outta charcoal. Well anyways, as I was bendin' down to snatch that pole outa the grass, a huge trout jumped out from under the bank and scared the wits right outta me. I didn't know the bank was hollowed out under there.

Anyways, I lost my feet and fell inta that fast river. I wanna tell ya, that water pulled harder than my pet mule. I grabbed for anythin' and everythin' to stop me from floatin' down that fast Niagra water. And besides, it was cold.

I grabbed at grass, rocks, and whatever presented itself to me. I even grabbed some low-hangin' branches from an old oak tree. But that durned water just pulled so hard that I broke the branches of that old tree.

I was startin' to wear down a bit when I saw a big, old log floatin' in the water. I had enough strenth left to swim to that log and so I did. I hung on in spite of it bobbin and spinnin' like it was a bull with its tail of fire. It kept me floatin'.

Now I don't know if'n yer familliar with that river, but she's fast and deep, and there's a place where all that water just falls over a big cliff and splashes down on some mighty big rocks. Oh they have it all fenced in to keep the tourists safe. But there just aint nothin' out in the river for a poor fisherman, who might have accidently fallen into the river, to latch on to. And ya know, I could start to hear that thunder from the fallin' water. I started to git skared. And I just knew that my buddy was sittin' on the freshly polished hood of my truck drinkin' a cold one instead of tryin' to help me, his best buddy.

Fortunately, like I said, I was the smart one between the two of us. I was the hero here. So's I made my way along that log, in spite of all that buckin' and heavin, to the end on the downtream side. You shoulda seen it. There I was, hangin' on fer dear life on a buckin' log, headin' straight fer them water falls, while reachin' in my pocket. Well, I managed to pull out my pocket knife, a beautiful little thing with a blade that snaps out and locks up like my wife when I tell her - No, you aint going shopping with yer stupid sister!.

Oh wait a minute, I was tellin' a story here. Anyways, I started wittlin' on the end of that log. Then I jumped up on it with both feet. Heck, twern't no harder than standin' on the back of a bull when he's chasin' yer little sister. And ya know, I started rollin' that old log with my feet. Ya see, I'd whittled the end of that overgrown toothpick into a propeller. And when the log was spinnin' fast enough, I just steered it right to shore. Then I jumped off onto that sweet, sweet grass. I was gonna kiss the ground, but some dummy's big shoe got right in the way, and I wasn't about to kiss no shoe. I looked up and found that the shoe wasn't a shoe at all, but a big, brown boot. And that boot, wouldn't ya know it, belonged to a police man.

I got up and looked him square in the eye. He looked right back at me and said, "Son, what were you doing out in that river?"

He had that evil look on his face, ya know, like they look after you tilt a cow or somethin'. Anyways, I said "Well officer, I was fishin' and just sorta fell in."

He shook his head and just walked away. Me, I was dead tired. I was so tired that I had to crawl back to my truck. And yep, there was my best buddy, scratchin' up my freshly waxed hood with his sand-coverd jeans. I was pretty mad, don'tcha know. And so I made him get offa my hood and into the truck. I turned the window lock on, and rolled up all the windows. And it was a hot day. I drove 2 hundred miles with the heater on. By the time I got us home, well, I was so hot that I went inta the toilet and threw-up. But my best buddy, well, I sure showed him. "Cause he drank all the cold ones while we drove and he didn't have any more to last him fer the night. "Course, somehow he didn't seem to be all that upset. Go figure.

Ok, I'm challenging everyone again. beat that tall tale.

Seeeeeeeya; Goodweed of the North

 

[BettyR]

My husband Bob and I were driving home from a friend's party late one evening in early May. It was a beautiful night with a full moon. We were laughing and discussing the party when the engine started to cough and the emergency light went on. We had just reached the railroad crossing where Villamain Road becomes Shane Road. According to local legend, this was the place where a school bus full of children had stalled on the tracks. Everyone on board the bus had been killed by an oncoming freight train. The ghosts of the children were reported to haunt this intersection and were said to protect people from danger.

Not wanting a repeat of the train crash, I hit the gas pedal, trying to get our car safely across the tracks before it broke down completely. But the dad-blamed car wouldn't cooperate. It stalled dead center on the railroad tracks.

As if that weren't enough, the railroad signals started flashing and a bright light appeared a little ways down the track, bearing down fast on our car. I turned the key and hit the gas pedal, trying to get the car started.

"Hurry up! The train's coming," my husband urged, as if I didn't hear the whistling blowing a warning.

I broke out into a sweat and tried the engine again. Nothing.

"We have to get out!" I shouted, reaching for the door handle.

"I can't," Bob shouted desperately. He was struggling with his seat belt. We'd been having trouble with it recently. It'd been stuck more than once.

I threw myself across the stick-shift and fought with the recalcitrant seat belt. My hands were shaking and sweat poured down my body as I felt the rumble of the approaching train. It had seen us and was whistling sharply. I risked a quick glance over my shoulder. The engineer was trying to slow down, but he was too close to stop before he hit us. I redoubled my efforts.

Suddenly, the car was given a sharp shove from behind. Bob and I both gasped and I fell into his lap as the car started to roll forward, slowly at first, then gaining speed. The back end cleared the tracks just a second before the train roared passed. As the car rolled to a stop on the far side of the tracks, the engineer stuck his head out the window of the engine and waved a fist at us; doubtless shouting something nasty at us for scaring him.

"Th..that was close," Bob gasped as I struggled upright. "How did you get the car moving?"

"I didn't," I said. "Someone must have helped us."

I jumped out of the door on the driver's side of the car and ran back to the tracks to thank our rescuer. In the bright moonlight, I searched the area, looking for the person who had pushed our car out of the path of the train. There was no one there. I called out several times, but no one answered. After a few minutes struggle with his seatbelt, Bob finally freed himself and joined me.

"Where are they?" he asked.

"There is no one here," I replied, puzzled.

"Maybe they are just shy about being thanked," Bob said. He raised his voice. "Thank you, whoever you are," he called.

The wind picked up a little, swirling around us, patting our hair and our shoulders like the soft touch of a child's hand. I shivered and hugged my husband tightly to me. We had almost died tonight, and I was grateful to be alive.

"Yes, thank you," I repeated loudly to our mystery rescuer.

As we turned back to our stalled vehicle, He pulled out his cell phone, ready to call for a tow truck. Beside me, Bob stopped suddenly, staring at the back of our car.

"Look!" he gasped.

I stared at our vehicle. Scattered in several places across the back of our car were several glowing handprints. They were small handprints; the kind that adorned the walls of elementary schools all over the country. I started shaking as I realized the truth; our car had been pushed off the tracks by the ghosts of the schoolchildren killed at this location.

The wind swept around us again, and I thought I heard an echo of childish voices whispering 'You're welcome' as it patted our shoulders and arms. Then the wind died down and the handprints faded from the back of the car.

Bob and I clung together for a moment in terror and delight. Finally, I released him and got into the car while he called the local garage to come and give us a tow home.

 

[YT2095]

I was working in the Lab (yes it was late that night) on an alternative fuel engine based on Hydrogen Gas, I din`t have any place to store this extremely flammable gas except in some old Party balloon from a few months prior.
I had half a dozen of these weighted down on the floor ready for testing my engine.
I`m not sure how it happened but one came loose and started to rise towards the ceiling and then the Cat pounced at it and BANG the balloon popped!
but the cat landed on all the other ballons and they popped too!
the poor car was nearly asphyxiated by the gas, but instead of collapsing it went Crazy!
I`ve never seens a cat move so fast in all my life, it was running around like a mad thing, all up and down the walls, out the door up and down the street like greased lightening!
I swear I could smoke trails behind it!
after about 10 mins the poor thing started coughing and slowing down, then he stopped dead in his tracks and keeled over

I went to have a look and he just wasn`t moving or anything no matter what I tried he wouldn`t shift.

needless to say we took him straight to the vets!

after about half an hour in the waiting room the Doc came out shaking his head.
"what`s the matter, what`s wrong" we asked.

the vet said "well nothing really that I can see, it`s the strangest case I`ve ever seen, and in his Current state it`s unlikely he`ll ever move again".

"So what IS the matter is he going to be alright?" we replied.

"Oh yes", the vet said, "He`s just Run out of Gas!"

 

[AllenOK]

There was a giant largemouth bass that lived in the river below the local hydroelectric dam. Many people had tried to catch it, and failed.

Bob and Chuck had lived in the area their entire lives, and had been after that record-breaking bass for many a year. This year, they decided to compare notes and figure out a way to catch the Demon of the Deep.

Bob told Chuck that he had used some 100 lb test line last year, and the Demon had broken that. Chuck told Bob that he had some 1,000 lb test climbing rope, about 500' of the stuff, stored away in his shed.

Chuck asked Bob what were they going to use for a hook? Rope that big doesn't take to a hook that well. Bob mentioned that he had a few extra baling hooks laying around, and could weld them together into the largest treble hook ever seen.

Then, Bob said, "What are we going to use for bait? Shad are to small for the Demon."

Chuck told Bob, "There's always some large carp in a pool just downstream of the dam. We'll catch one of those, and hook it through the tail."

Chuck thought for a minute, and wondered aloud, "What are we going to use to set the hook? There isn't a pole big enough for climbing rope."

Bob said, "We'll just tie off one end to the rear axle of my Jeep. You can row boat out into the Demon's pool, and drop the hook and bait in."

Their plan solidified, they put it into motion. That next Saturday, they were set. Chuck had caught a 10 lb carp, and hooked it onto Bob's contrived hook. Chuck rowed the bait out and dropped it, then made a bee-line for shore, while Bob sat in his Jeep, engine running, brake on, ready to pop the clutch and take off to set the hook.

They waited for what seemed an eternity, but after 30 minutes, suddenly, the rope started moving. It was moving so fast, that it cut through the water. Chuck hollered at Bob, "Pop it and go! It's taken the bait!"

Bob peeled out, and started up the road as fast as he could, with the Demon of the Deep headed in the opposite direction. Then, the hook set. The Jeep lurched to a halt, tires spinning, and spraying dirt backwards. Water was being pushed all over, as that monster bass tried to get away. But, it was a stalemate. Two titanic forces were battling in opposite directions, and one had to loose. Finally, something gave. The Jeep sprang forward, and took about a quarter mile to stop. Something huge was seen to shoot in the opposite direction, towards the deep pool under the dam.

Bob and Chuck didn't catch the Demon of the Deep, but they did come away with 60 lbs of it's lower jaw.

 

[Chief Longwind Of The North]

Wow! Those are some good stories. Now that's what I'm talkin' about.

Seeeeeya; Goodweed of the North