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lifesaver 08-13-2009 08:59 AM

One Liners
 
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

- Mark Twain

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending,and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns

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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge

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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain

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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy, if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates

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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante

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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield

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Money can't buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

- Spike Milligan

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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath

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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

- Bob Hope

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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields

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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

- Will Rogers

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

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And the cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.

Andy M. 08-13-2009 10:45 AM

Love is grand, divorce is twenty grand.

Love is blind, marriage is an eye opener.

In a child's first years, you try to teach him to walk and talk. For the next dozen years, you are telling him to shut up and sit down.

As a child, she was so ugly her mom had to tie a pork chop around her neck to get the dog to play with her.

ellakav 08-25-2009 09:59 AM

I thought I heard old age creeping up on me, but it was only my wife - unknown.

Any day above the ground is a good day! - unknown

Go ahead. Make my day. - Clint Eastwood as 'Dirty Harry'. couldn't resist.

...and let me tell you, that went over like a fart in church...don't know
who came up with it but it was one of my Grandpap's favorites.

jonnyjonny_uk 08-26-2009 03:36 AM

Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge!

radhuni 08-26-2009 07:09 AM

"A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step." - Lao Tzu

"In nature a repulsive caterpillar turns into a lovely butterfly. But with humans it is the other way around: a lovely butterfly turns into a repulsive caterpillar. -Anton Chekhov

"It is easier to denature plutonium than to denature the evil spirit of man." -Albert Einstein


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