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CrazyCatLady 06-15-2015 11:24 PM

It's Been A Quiet Week in WNC...
I do this stand-up routine at church, and it's a favorite every Wednesday night! I just do this thing like Garrison Keillor's "Lake Wobegon" in Prairie Home Companion on NPR. I live in a very small town where hardly anything major ever happens, and the names in this are names of church members. This was last week's offering:

"It's been a quiet week in Western North Carolina (I used town name here). Mrs. Grindstaff found a mole in her yard under the petunias and I had to dispatch three cats out there to deal with the offending creature. Now mind you, we all can take care of each other discreetly, but one of her neighbors, fearing a massive mole invasion, called the local volunteer fire department who sent out the HazMat team, then called the animal control officer at the sheriff's department.

When they arrived, they scared the cats, who ran up her oak tree. No one found the mole, but it took seven firefighters and a ladder truck to get my cats down. My cats then flew into Mr. Dickson's crawl space across the street because he took the door to the crawl space off to prop up his gas grill because it was missing a wheel.

Somehow the cats got into his house, and I had no idea he was raising chinchillas in the guest room. And these are no ordinary chinchillas; they are Russian fighting chinchillas and there was an awful fight in there. The cats got their tails whipped, and Mrs. Dickson opened the front door to let three hissing, growling, panicking cats out. When I got them back, one had a minor concussion, another had chunks of fur torn out, and all three required stitches.

I am here to say the next time any of you have a mole or rodent problem, just call Terminix. The vet relieved me of three hundred dollars and I'm...really....very...unhappy.

Last Sunday, as you know, was our potluck dinner here. As usual, Miss Fausold's spaghetti was the big deal, but she had some issues with the making of it. Her dog decided to become needy just as she was setting up her prep station in the kitchen, and he tripped her. She fell, taking the jar of her carefully preserved tomato sauce with her and it broke on the floor. As she was cleaning it up, the water for the noodles boiled over and left a huge mess all over her stove. Apparently the steam from the water on the burner set off her smoke alarm, and she didn't realize this, so she called the fire department, thinking the house was on fire.

When all that was cleared up, she began all over again to make the spaghetti when her sister called from Ontario about her daughter's baby shower. Max (the dog, who is a huge Irish Wolfhound) decided to help himself to the pan of tomato sauce and so she had to start all over again.

On Monday, Mr. McDonald decided to try his hand at some home improvements, and tried to put in a hardwood floor in the family room. He got all the materials and a nail gun. He was doing pretty well, and when it was half finished, he decided to go feed the birds and take a break. That was all well and good until his four-year-old grandson got hold of the nail gun and shot up the house. He's still pulling nails out of the floors and walls and ceilings and patching the holes. The hardwood floor will be finished sometime in July.

Yesterday, as you know, was the open meeting of our county commissioners. Mrs. Whitehorse attended it, and when it was her turn to speak, she told them the leash law should not just apply to dogs, but also to children who tend to use her circular driveway as a bicycle racing track. The commissioners were no help, and told her there are actually laws against putting children on a leash. Shortly after the meeting, she was on the phone with her landscapers discussing gates, spike strips, and removable trip wires.

Mr. Ziakas was also at the open meeting, where he raised the issue of too many squirrels in the area getting into his bird feeders and asked what could be done about them. The commissioners told him that this issue wasn't under their purview but that he could call the Nature Center and ask them. He did, and the Nature Center suggested that he buy squirrel-proof bird feeders. We all know he is very frugal, so he's still trying to figure out how to surround his bird feeders with razor wire without hurting the birds.

Last Friday, as you all know, the (name) bank was robbed. The perp got away with almost $200,000 and they had helicopters buzzing all around us looking for the the getaway car. Mr. Schenk lives close to it, but he has that pit bull that loves those huge basted cow thigh bones. His backyard is littered with them, so when the helicopters flew over, they noticed all these bones in the backyard and called for an investigation. A detective showed up, and was immediately mauled by the pit bull's tongue and slobber. He quickly determined that there was no problem after seeing that these were not human bones and that all the pit bull wanted was a belly rub.

That's all the news from (town); where the women are women, the men are men, and the children are....just children.

I have a lot of fun with this every week. Have you got a story about your town or city?

Dawgluver 06-16-2015 12:07 AM

That is too funny, CCL!

Kayelle 06-16-2015 12:15 AM


You are one clever lady!! How I wish I could be in the front pew of your church on Wed. nights. :clap:

By the way, my Dad once had a hair brained idea of raising chinchillas, much to my Mom's objections. It might have worked well except the ones he bought at such a great price were all male. :huh::wacko:

CrazyCatLady 06-18-2015 01:25 AM

Wednesday, June 17, 2015:

Well, it's been a quiet week in (name of town). Mr. Ryan, with Ryan's Music Emporium had to pay a house call to Mrs. Caldwell's home to tune her grand piano. Mrs. Caldwell wasn't going to be home, so she told the maid he was coming and to leave the front door unlocked so he could come in. The maid was fine with that, until Mr. Ryan showed up with his 140-pound wolfdog who goes everywhere with him. Well, the maid had a bad childhood experience after reading Little Red Riding Hood. She took one look at Boogar the wolfdog, panicked, and fled, dropping a bucket of mop water on the livingroom carpet. Mr. Ryan went after her to try to calm her down, and meanwhile, Boogar decided to investigate the mop water and licked it. It made him sick, so he threw up his breakfast of raw chicken all over the carpet.

Mr. Ryan never did catch the maid, as she was 25 and he's in his 50s, but when he went back to the house and saw the bleach water and dog barf all over the carpet, he decided he's better call somebody since, after all, it was kind of his fault and he felt responsible. He Googled carpet cleaners and hit on one of those companies that specialize in restoring homes after fire, smoke, or water damage, so he called them and they sent out a team immediately.

When Mrs. Caldwell came home, she found the restoration service truck in the front yard with hoses going in through the door, and fearing the worst, she ran screaming into the house. Mr. Ryan calmed her down, but the maid was last seen buying a Greyhound bus ticket to Florida.

There's a job opening at Mrs. Caldwell's house.

As you know, those four boys over on (name of street) have decided to form a rock band, and now that school's out, they've been rehearsing night and day in Mrs. Allen's garage. Mr. Allen is none too happy about that, because he just bought her a brand-new Mercedes for Valentine's day and in order to make room for the boys, she has to park it out in the driveway.

Well, the lake's right behind her house, and it's home to several flocks of Canadian geese who apparently decided to have either a family reunion or a convention on her Mercedes. When Mr. Allen drove up after getting a root canal and saw all the bird droppings on her brand-new car, he dropped his liquid medication from the liquor store and the bottles shattered all over the driveway. He yelled for his wife, who flatly refused to kick the boys out of the garage as one of them was their grandson.

Mrs. Allen went to work with a belt sander, Brillo pads and the pressure-washer, therefore removing most of the paint from the car. This put Mr. Allen over the top, who had already had to go back to the liquor store and replace his purchases, but they quickly decided that the car was under warranty and there might be a way to obtain a new paint job. So she drove to the dealership, told them a highly convoluted story involving boys, a band, grandsons, alcohol, Canadian geese and root canals. The dealership, wishing to keep her business, agreed to repaint the whole car at no charge, but the only loaner car they had at the time for her was a Chevy 3500 Dually pickup truck. She wasn't picky, so she drove it home and parked in the driveway. Her neighbor, who is extremely nearshighted and refuses to wear glasses, was outside tending her azaleas when she saw a strange truck pull up and a woman in a dress get out and walk right in the front door. She immediately called Mrs. Allen"s cell phone, assuming she was away, and telling her she needed to get home right away because she was sure Mr. Allen was having an affair.

Mrs. Allen assured her all was well, but that still didn't convince the neighbor to wear glasses. Some people just can't be helped, you know?

The local librarian, Miss Edwards, recently inherited a huge parrot from her uncle, who was retired from 35 years in the merchant marines. She brought home the parrot, whose name is Peckerhead, and made him at home in her living room in a beautiful cage. She also had a list of instructions for Peckerhead's care and feeding from her uncle, and in his notes he indicated that the parrot could talk. Well, the parrot hadn't said a word yet, and seemed to be happy in his new home.

The next day, she received a surprise visit from her pastor, and when the doorbell rang, all of a sudden the parrot blurted out, "Who the (colorful metaphor) is there? (I actually said "Colorful metaphor," and they got it.) Go away! We don't want any!"

She was completely aghast and caught off guard, and when she let the pastor in, Peckerhead began ranting at him with several colorful metaphors about how annoying visitors are, where they can go, and what they can do with themselves. She apologized over and over, and yelled at Peckerhead to hush up, but he kept on and on with language that would make a sailor blush. Finally she had enough, and grabbed his cage, took him down the hall, and put him in her bedroom closet.

Well, this abberant behavior continued every time someone came to visit or called her on the phone. Finally she had enough of it and took him to a vet and had his voicebox removed. That didn't stop Peckerhead from being rude; it turns out he can give someone the finger by arranging his foot a certain way, so now she has to put the cover over his cage when someone comes to visit.

One of her friends asked her why she put up with this, and it turns out Peckerhead came with quite a large inheritance, which explains why she's got that new Land Rover and that sunroom and took that trip to Belize last month.

***This next part takes some explaining. We support a charity which has cleaned up a neighborhood that used to be full of drug addicts and violence. The rundown houses have been replaced with new homes, there's a community center, playground, etc., etc. and it's a beautiful place now. It's now a place for healing and growth and it's safe. It's founder is a wonderful man I'll call CM, and he's tireless in his work to continue buying up slumlord's properties. The only thing with CM is that he is given about 40 dozen donuts on Mondays and he runs around giving these out. It's a joke about what he does with all those donuts. It's also hard to catch him to talk to him. And when we want to get with him, it's a nightmare because he is so busy.***

As you know, it's hard to get CM to commit to a meeting. So since he and (charity) is all about recovery, I have designed a 12-step program for CM like they have in Alcoholics Anonymous.

1. Call CM and start working on setting up a meeting.

2. Wait two weeks, call again, and try to pin him down. Find out what the heck he does with all those doughnuts.

3. Call again, and this time be adament about a meeting. By now it's probably August and try to pin him down on a date and time. Keep asking about those doughnuts and ask him why he hangs out at Walmart so much. (He's at Walmart a LOT getting stuff for his houses and property and all.)

4. Call again, and start yelling about a meeting NOW.

5. Call again, and resort to name-calling along with yelling and insist on a meeting NOW.

6. Call again and this time, offer the encouragement of a 2X4 the next time you see him if he does not commit to a meeting.

7. By now it's November. Go to his house with the afore-mentioned 2X4 and several well-placed colorful metaphors and encourage him to commit to a time and date. And find out what the heck he really does do with all those doughnuts!

8. Return to his house with several rolls of duct tape. Duct-tape him to a tree and force him to commit to a time and date.

9. He forgets about the meeting. Go back to his house with Mafia friends, Bruno and Vinnie, and let them make him commit to a meeting without having to resort to breaking his knees.

10. By now it's January. Hack into his computer, cancel his trash pickup service, send Bruno and Vinnie back to his house with an ultimatum: Meet NOW or receive some serious knee issues.

11. CM forgets again. Fire Bruno and Vinnie, send Di (his wife) on an all-expense-paid vacation to the Azores and fill his house with 170 unfixed male cats who spray everywhere. CM calls, begging to meet. Set up a date and time.

12. CM can't make the meeting because Animal Control has had him arrested for hoarding cats and his house has been condemned by the Health Department. He's in jail and wants us to bail him out. Hold a meeting with CM about (charity) in the jail's visiting area and get everything taken care of…THEN bail him out.

And that's all the news from (town), where the men are men, the women are women, and the children are...just children.

CrazyCatLady 06-18-2015 01:46 AM


Originally Posted by Dawgluver (Post 1425919)
That is too funny, CCL!

Thank you! It's going over very well so far and Wednesday night attendance this week had the church almost filled because people brought some friends to hear it.

I hope you like last night's "episode" as well. Thank you again.

CrazyCatLady 06-18-2015 01:49 AM


Originally Posted by Kayelle (Post 1425920)

You are one clever lady!! How I wish I could be in the front pew of your church on Wed. nights. :clap:

By the way, my Dad once had a hair brained idea of raising chinchillas, much to my Mom's objections. It might have worked well except the ones he bought at such a great price were all male. :huh::wacko:

Thank you so much! I wish you could be there too, because you'd see the facial expressions and all the gestures....and the pauses LOL!

Oh no! All male chinchillas? What did he do with them?

Hope you like this week's "episode." :smile:

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