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Old 08-15-2006, 12:47 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by kyles
I found the literature you posted on AA very enlightening, Mylegisbig. My father is an alcoholic, and there seems to be little support in Australia at least, outside the traditional AA route, which I never thought was very successful. It wouldn't work for me if I was an alcoholic, which I'm not.

My parents are both addicted to alcohol. My mother went to an outpatient rehab program which was successful to a point, but she has gone back to regularly drinking now. She can't stay dry with my father around.

I think one of the huge problems with alcohol is that it works. I does numb pain, and makes you feel feelings that aren't real, like that you are in a friendly environment and having fun, and that you are witty, bright and a good conversationalist. I know the odd times I have been drunk I have initially felt good, then you cross that line and feel rotten.

Corey, I strongly believe you need to listen to your heart. Your heart will tell you when you have done what you can and need to walk away.

You can't make anyone change. You can be there for them, and encourage them, but don't get yourself caught up in a cycle.

I would love to see my dad have just one week sober. But I have to accept now that he's 81 and been drinking regularly since he was 18, that it is just not ever going to happen.


So sorry to hear that your mom and dad are alcoholics. I hope that you can help and encourage them in their time of need and give him some support.

As for my friend, yes, I realise that I can't make him change. I can only encourage him. He has to be able to stand on his own two feet, say "Enough is enough!!", as they say and WANT TO make some changes with his life and dealing with alcoholism.

It's much too hard to just up and walk away, as I explained before. I don't have the heart to do that, as if I did, I'd feel awfully bad.

He says that I'm the only true friend he's got and I believe him. My heart tells me to try to help and encourage him in acheiving his goals of overcoming his problems.

Unless you mean just wait and see what he does and try to go from there.


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Old 08-17-2006, 11:43 AM   #22
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That's what I meant, just wait and see. I'd never say "don't help anyone" but kinda like when your investing money in a failing business, there is a line where you might stand to make a return on your investment, or you might lose the lot. The winners are those who are able to stay on the right side of that line.

Unfortunately, with my parents, there is nothing I can do now. I can listen, which I do, but I can't make any suggestions or give advice, as it is ignored, thrown back in my face, and just not appreciated. All I can do is love my parents, and hope that one day things will change.
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Old 08-17-2006, 11:58 AM   #23
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I don't have time right now to go into this but I must say as an Alcoholic with 38 years of drinking experience and going to AA and in more than one program an Alcoholic MUST want get sober and remain sober or he will not remain sober. He must take responsibility for his sobriety the same way anyone takes responsibility of his treatment for any other illness.
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Old 08-17-2006, 01:10 PM   #24
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I don't have time right now to go into this but I must say as an Alcoholic with 38 years of drinking experience and going to AA and in more than one program an Alcoholic MUST want get sober and remain sober or he will not remain sober. He must take responsibility for his sobriety the same way anyone takes responsibility of his treatment for any other illness.
BangBang is right. My dad drank for years, ruined his marriage, lost his job, hit rock bottom and kept on drinking. Then one day he decided to stop for good and started going to AA, he has been sober for 20 years now but he still goes to an AA meeting EVERY week. He says its hard not to drink. I think it would take an incredible amount of willpower and determination not to pick up the bottle again.
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Old 08-17-2006, 02:42 PM   #25
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I too grew up in a household with an alcoholic father. Granted he wasn't a deadbeat he faithfully went to work and provided for his family. However, his behavior when he was drunk was vicious and brutal. He was a brawler and a spouse abuser. I can attest to the fact that if you are an alcoholic or know someone that is and they are physical and verbally abusive and there are kids in that household there is damage being done to their spirit each day. Thankfully, I overcame the grief, anger and sadness I felt many, many years ago and forgave him. I also forgave my mom for not divorcing him and getting herself and us out of that situation. I knew that I had to forgive and get on with my life and not blame him or her for my problems I had to take control of my own life and make my own choices and I'm proud to say I'm proud of the person I am today. However, my older sister is mentally scared and is a total mess and in total denial and won't seek help. Its affected her whole being and family.....its truely sad.
If your an alcoholic I pray you seek the courage to overcome this for life and seek out the help you despertely need to reach your goal of sobriety.
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Old 08-17-2006, 08:03 PM   #26
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My grandparents on my mother's side, my mom (for a time)
and my dad were all alcoholics. For them to beat the illness
it's something they want to have to do. My mother is the
only one who quit drinking.
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Old 08-17-2006, 08:26 PM   #27
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Well,speaking from expereince I lost a father to this disease and its not pretty. In order to help someone they have to want to help themselves first. Its all a question of mind over matter, they don't mind, and the bottle does matter. Kudos to you Corey for trying to help but be aware that this will be a long hard road both for you and your friend. He has to convince himself that he wants to quit if not then he won't quit.

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Old 08-17-2006, 09:24 PM   #28
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kyles
That's what I meant, just wait and see. I'd never say "don't help anyone" but kinda like when your investing money in a failing business, there is a line where you might stand to make a return on your investment, or you might lose the lot. The winners are those who are able to stay on the right side of that line.

Unfortunately, with my parents, there is nothing I can do now. I can listen, which I do, but I can't make any suggestions or give advice, as it is ignored, thrown back in my face, and just not appreciated. All I can do is love my parents, and hope that one day things will change.
Your parents are still alive and that's good.

My father died of alcoholism when he was 40 years old.
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Old 08-17-2006, 11:06 PM   #29
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My best friend's husband is an alcoholic (as far as I know he has been sober for about two years and has buffed back up and his skin tone is white again) and it was so bad that no one could help him. It's a tough road. He lost EVERYTHING but most importantly he lost his wife and all his friends. It got to the point he was stealing money from my husband and other people because his business had failed and he was not making an income anymore - he just failed to tell his wife that. Came to the house and while no one was really watching made ONE drink that consisted of a 1/5th of vodka. Vodka just doesn't disappear that fast when there's only 4 people and 3 of us haven't made a drink or really even intended to make one. At first my friend denied he was drinking as much as I thought he was. I would help him with his computer and he reeked of vodka. I always thought the smell was the sucker he was eating or the bits of candy he was eating or maybe a Listerine mint. Then one day I opened a bottle of Vodka and said - OMG - THAT'S THE SMELL!!!! She then made what she thought was a minor comment about where he always stood out in the garage and smoked. I opened up the BBQ and there was an empty bottle, I opened up a trash can and there were 3 empty bottles, and it only got worse from there. In the hunt for bottles she found out that their boat was not being stored on a neighboring lake, it had been reposed, the 2 cars that he "sold" repossessed, the $9,000.00 hos mother sent him to catch up on house payments went somewhere - they had 30 days to get out of the house - SHE KNEW NOTHING! She knew he had a problem but she worked late and he sobered up by the time she came home or they went to dinner. We didn't want to turn our backs on him but he was never sober long enough to even talk to. He fell down a few steps and his head went through the sheetrock - he doesn't remember. He fell in his kitchen and his head went through the sheetrock in there - only this time he broke his neck. He fell in his office and hit his face full force on a piece of wood that was on the floor - broken nose, black eyes. It's one of those things that really can't be dealt with until you are ready. He slid back into the routine many times but I am happy to say that he is doing much better today and has apologized to me, asked me to tell my husband the same and I told him that would have to come from him, not me. His color is no longer yellow and he no longer walks that little funky way people walk when their liver is failing. This is a man who had a successful business with a low-med 6-figure income. One thing you DON'T do is go to the bank and talk to the president about a loan reeking of vodka, slurring your words, and stumbling!

I don't even know why I told you all of this. I guess I just want you to know that you ARE very vulnerable to be hurt. He wants you to make it better. You can't make it better. He needs professional help - in that way you can help him by looking in the phone book, talking to people, and then taking him where he needs to go.

If he asks for money to pay a certain bill be sure and just don't give him the money. If you are able to help him then he must give YOU the bill and you will pay it.

No one is asking you to desert him or turn your back. Right now I think he thinks you can make it better with no effort on his part. Watch for signs of that certain smell Vodka gives off - watch his color - and watch yourself be aware that you may be putting yourself into a situation that will leave you deeply disappointed and hurt by what he may do to you out of desperation. You just have to remember there's nothing you can do short of dropping him off at an in-house rehab treatment program.

I feel like what I wrote above is very "shattered" and is so broken it doesn't make much sense - forgive me - I guess I just needed to talk about my experience to give you a little insight as to what possibly could happen.

Hugs to you Corey!!!!
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Old 08-17-2006, 11:27 PM   #30
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he no longer walks that little funky way people walk when their liver is failing.
i can not even describe how horrible it is to go through this. it's no joke. im only 25 years old and my body felt like an old man. i become consciously aware of all my organs the different pains associated with them. well my liver kidneys and pancreas at least.

Absolutely horrible. It feels so great to be clean. Lost 20lbs since i quit drinking as well.
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Old 08-18-2006, 10:57 AM   #31
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In a way I guess I was lucky. My folks ran a bar, neither one were alcoholics. I used to clean up and restock the bar before going to school. We had a couple of old guys come at 6:30 am every morning to have a shot or two to start the day. They would have me put it in a shot glass so they wouldn't spill it before they got the first one down. I never forgot that and that was a long time ago.

I agree with everyone that this is a personal choice. Qutting alchohol is like quitting cigarettes. It's rough, but it really does boil down to "Just Say No!" No one, nor any organization can do it for you. It's your choice and your personal victory when you beat it.
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Old 08-18-2006, 07:37 PM   #32
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Woweeeeeeeee! Four days now.
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Old 08-18-2006, 07:52 PM   #33
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Woweeeeeeeee! Four days now.
I cannot send you Karma, but just pretend you've got it from me Four days is a great achievement! I am proud of you, that takes alot of willpower
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Old 08-19-2006, 12:09 PM   #34
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I cannot send you Karma, but just pretend you've got it from me Four days is a great achievement! I am proud of you, that takes alot of willpower
Thankyou. Your Pms help too. I am loosing weight,my apetite has improved,got more energy,read a book,and am in a much better mood.I am very excited about this.
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Old 08-19-2006, 12:21 PM   #35
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I don't have time right now to go into this but I must say as an Alcoholic with 38 years of drinking experience and going to AA and in more than one program an Alcoholic MUST want get sober and remain sober or he will not remain sober. He must take responsibility for his sobriety the same way anyone takes responsibility of his treatment for any other illness.
You're absolutely right. I have several family members who have or have had serious alcohol problems, and much as I'd love to have taken away their problems, I can't. And I won't knock AA or any other program, because what works for one, may not work for another. Sadly, I also think that there are some who can lick their addiction and some who are not strong enough. At the heart of the matter, however, is Bangbang's observation that the individual must want it. Even at that, it's a hard road to travel. I'm a former smoker, and understand addiction in that way. Thank goodness, that was the extent of my life as an addict.

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Old 08-19-2006, 12:26 PM   #36
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Go purchase 6 packs of smokes and force yourself to smoke them all.....place all the butts in one container. You will see how nasty the habit is. Well.....I started smokin premium hand madeimported cigars. Ighhhh
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Old 08-19-2006, 08:03 PM   #37
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Go purchase 6 packs of smokes and force yourself to smoke them all.....place all the butts in one container. You will see how nasty the habit is. Well.....I started smokin premium hand madeimported cigars. Ighhhh
I'm a FORMER smoker, not a smoker. And as nasty as the cigarette habit may be, the drink habit is as well. There's little that is as distasteful as the smell of stale alcohol on someone.

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Old 08-20-2006, 05:30 PM   #38
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I'm still helping my friend, giving him encouragement and understanding.

We went out yesterday evening with his girlfriend. A very dear friend of mine
whom I've known for six years gave us all a ride to a seafood restaurant where we had dinner.

"Daquan" (not his real name) started getting a little dunk after having only two beers and two drinks of vodka and orange juice (vodka is his and his girlfiend's favorite liquor). Bad mistake!! But his girlfriend stayed sober. She held up fine! My friend of six years decided that also. He suggested that the next time we go out and Daquan and his grirlfriend come along, that we go to a restaurant where there are no alcoholic beaverages sold. That way, Daquan will stay sober and won't have access to anything containing alcohol - at least not until he and his girlfriend get home.

After my other friend dropped us off in front of my apartment building, as soon as we all got out of the car, Daquan starts in on me - accusing me of trying to come between him and his girlfriend!! He also badmouthed me for "stealing" some of his drinks, but I only did that because the rest of us felt that he had enough alcohol to drink and I was looking out for him to keep him from becoming too intoxicated. And I told him this. We argued all the way back to their apartment!!

I didn't want to get into that with him, so as we got closer to their building, I told him that hew disappointed me by getting drunk after he said that he wouldn't. He was really acting like Frankenstein, laying the badmoputh on me!! I knew deep down, that he really didn't mean all that.

But I really lit into him for the way that he was talking to me - especially since I've done nothing but try to help him the whole time. I grabbed him, shook him, and said to him; " Look at me! This is not you!! You're not thinking right and your mind isn't acting right right now!!" Daquan put up a mental block and wouldn't listen to me!

I went up to their apartment with them, sat down and cried out loud for nearly an hour!! Mainly because this is pretty much what I went through with my brother who died in '04, and I feared the worst for Daquan. He really went over the line!!

Later last night, Daquan had came over to me, placed his arms around me, hugged me, kised me on the forehead and deeply apologized to me for treating me so badly just hours before.I immediately forgave him for the dispicable behavior that he threw at me, hugged him back and kissed him on his forehead.

I later realized and knew the whole time, that he really didn't really mean those bad things he said to me, and that it was just his drinking that had temporaily poisoned his mind.

I'm still very much there for him, but only HE can make the choice between trying to get help or not. I still love him very deeply like a brother and care very much about him, but only HE must make the choice. I can only encourage him to see the light.

I still hug and hold him in my arms to try to console him in his times of need, but you guys are right - HE MUST make the choice. So, I'll still be there for him, but I'm very far from giving up on him. I'll still share good times with him and be there for him through thick and thin.


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Old 08-20-2006, 05:49 PM   #39
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I can't wait to go to the doc to see howmuch weight I have lost. I am giving it two weeks before weighing in.
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Old 08-21-2006, 12:14 AM   #40
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I've lost 20 pounds, so far!


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