AllenOK
Executive Chef
1. Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my God! They've found me!" and bolt.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then stop and look suspiciously at everyone around you.
3. When the computer is off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the **** thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it of again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect every computer to a different screen to the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs theme song and play it at the Highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you. (It helps if you know this person, but it's also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting keys with the straw.
20. If your sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a picture of a woman on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3.5” disk drive, when it doesn't work get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's done (2 days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this spit them at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at he screen, grind you teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat this procedure, making sure you never provoke them to the point of blowing up at you, as this releases tension, and it's much more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them, and deposit them on your neighbor’s keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove the shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove the socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type your paper like this. Then go to the Lab Supervisor and complain about bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice to make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (i.e. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F Sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit the key hum its note. Write your entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computers mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard and taking it.
36. Bring a bunch of magnets. Nuff said.
37. When doing calculation pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so that your fill isn't affected). Then look at you neighbors keyboard. Hit their Delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the spacebar on you keyboard. Repeat this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbors work. Then suddenly exclaim: "Well ,whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar the whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim the Computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person's next your screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press Return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say: "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out that you're a total stranger.
45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several types of endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the Computer Assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week."
50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
2. Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes & then stop and look suspiciously at everyone around you.
3. When the computer is off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the **** thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it of again, & repeat the process for a good half hour.
4. Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
5. Before anyone else is in the lab, connect every computer to a different screen to the one it's set up with.
6. Write a program that plays the "Smurfs theme song and play it at the Highest volume possible over & over again.
7. Work normally for a while. Suddenly look amazingly startled by something on the screen and crawl underneath the desk.
8. Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
9. Use Interactive Send to make passes at people you don't know.
10. Make a ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
11. Bring a chainsaw, but don't use it. If anyone asks why you have it, say "Just in case..." mysteriously.
12. Type on VAX for a while. Suddenly start cursing for 3 minutes at everything bad about your life. Then stop and continue typing.
13. Enter the lab, undress, and start staring at other people as if they're crazy while typing.
14. Light candles in a pentagram around your terminal before starting.
15. Ask around for a spare disk. Offer $2. Keep asking until someone agrees. Then, pull a disk out of your fly and say, "Oops, I forgot."
16. Every time you press return and there is processing time required, pray "Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohplease," and scream "YES!" when it finishes.
17. "DISK FIGHT!!!"
18. Start making out with the person at the terminal next to you. (It helps if you know this person, but it's also a great way to make new friends).
19. Put a straw in your mouth and your hands in your pockets. Type by hitting keys with the straw.
20. If your sitting in a swivel chair, spin around singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" whenever there is processing time required.
21. Draw a picture of a woman on a piece of paper, tape it to your monitor. Try to seduce it. Act like it hates you and then complain loudly that women are worthless.
22. Try to stick a Nintendo cartridge into the 3.5” disk drive, when it doesn't work get the supervisor.
23. When you are on an IBM, and when you turn it on, ask loudly where the smiling Apple face is.
24. Print out the complete works of Shakespeare, then when it's done (2 days later) say that all you wanted was one line.
25. Sit and stare at the screen, biting your nails noisily. After doing this spit them at the feet of the person next to you.
26. Stare at he screen, grind you teeth, stop, look at the person next to you. Grind some more. Repeat this procedure, making sure you never provoke them to the point of blowing up at you, as this releases tension, and it's much more effective to let them linger.
27. If you have long hair, take a typing break, look for split ends, cut them, and deposit them on your neighbor’s keyboard as you leave.
28. Put a large, gold-framed portrait of the British Royal Family on your desk and loudly proclaim that it inspires you.
29. Come to the lab wearing several layers of socks. Remove the shoes and place them on top of the monitor. Remove the socks layer by layer and drape them around the monitor. Exclaim sudden haiku about the aesthetic beauty of cotton on plastic.
30. Take the keyboard and sit under the computer. Type your paper like this. Then go to the Lab Supervisor and complain about bad working conditions.
31. Laugh hysterically, shout "You will all perish in flames!!!" and continue working.
32. Bring some dry ice to make it look like your computer is smoking.
33. Assign a musical note to every key (i.e. the Delete key is A Flat, the B key is F Sharp, etc.). Whenever you hit the key hum its note. Write your entire paper this way.
34. Attempt to eat your computers mouse.
35. Borrow someone else's keyboard by reaching over, saying "Excuse me, mind if I borrow this for a sec?", unplugging the keyboard and taking it.
36. Bring a bunch of magnets. Nuff said.
37. When doing calculation pull out an abacus and say that sometimes the old ways are best.
38. Play Pong for hours on the most powerful computer in the lab.
39. Make a loud noise of hitting the same key over and over again until you see that your neighbor is noticing (You can hit the space bar so that your fill isn't affected). Then look at you neighbors keyboard. Hit their Delete key several times, erasing an entire word. While you do this, ask: "Does *your* delete key work?" Shake your head, and resume hitting the spacebar on you keyboard. Repeat this until you've deleted about a page of your neighbors work. Then suddenly exclaim: "Well ,whaddya know? I've been hitting the space bar the whole time. No wonder it wasn't deleting! Ha!" Print out your document and leave.
40. Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim the Computer is drooling.)
41. Stare at the person's next your screen, look really puzzled, burst out laughing and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
42. Point at the screen. Chant in a made up language while making elaborate hand gestures for a minute or two. Press Return or the mouse, then leap back and yell "COVEEEEERRRRRR!!" peek up from under the table, walk back to the computer and say: "Oh, good. It worked this time," and calmly start to type again.
43. Keep looking at invisible bugs and trying to swat them.
44. See who's online. Send a total stranger a talk request. Talk to them like you've known them all your lives. Hang up before they get a chance to figure out that you're a total stranger.
45. Bring a small tape player with a tape of really absurd sound effects. Pretend it's the computer and look really lost.
46. Pull out a pencil. Start writing on the screen. Complain that the lead doesn't work.
47. Come into the computer lab wearing several types of endangered species of flowers in your hair. Smile incessantly. Type a sentence, then happily, exclaim "You're such a marvel!!", and kiss the screen. Repeat this after every sentence. As your ecstasy mounts, also hug the keyboard. Finally, hug your neighbor, then the Computer Assistant, and walk out.
48. Run into the computer lab, shout "Armageddon is here!!!!", then calmly sit down and begin to type.
49. Quietly walk into the computer lab with a Black and Decker chainsaw, rev that baby up, and then walk up to the nearest person and say, "Give me that computer or you'll be feeding my pet crocodile for the next week."
50. Two words: Tesla Coil.
