A little DC Wisdom....please!?!

[smoke king]

Thanks everyone-I cannot begin to tell you how nice it is to know that other people understand my position on this. This has been a point of contention between my wife and I, and I feel that I have to be very careful as to how I handle the situation-I don't want to damage my marriage in any way. This is my wifes daughter, and my step-daughter. While my Mrs. agrees with my position (which is basically the same as yours) her "maternal instincts" keep it from being as "black & white" an issue as it is to the rest of us.

Since I started this thread, I agreed with my wife that she could stay, only if she were to agree to a strict and comprehensive set of ground rules. So I called her up and began to lay them down. Within 5 minutes, she was screaming into the phone, calling me names that I dare not repeat (evidently, there are new combinations of expletives that I've never heard!) And hung up on me.

Well, not 30 minutes later, we started to get phone calls from family members around the country (those sympathetic to her plight) to let us know she had been calling them all to say "goodbye"-part of her M.O. has always been the threat of suicide-and that we needed to do something. Of course I asked them if they might be willing to take her in, and of course, they said that they would be glad to, except for.. (insert various reasons here).

She has been to rehab before-many times, most recently a couple of months ago. It only works if you actually want the help, and she does not.

So other than freezing my tail off at my Grandsons pee-wee football game (they won 27-0, go Jr. Warriors!!) this is how I spent my weekend. The upside to it all though, is that her playing the "suicide card" has really opened my wifes eyes. We are both compassionate people,but we agree that to be "held hostage" by her threats of killing herself is no way to live, so we are not allowing her back in our house. As of right now, she is officially on her own. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I think, no, I know we made the right decision. I even sat down with my Mrs to discuss, God forbid, if she were to go through with her threat. Although it would be tragic and heartbreaking, we agreed that it would in no way be our fault, so I think she has a pretty good handle on this thing.

Sorry to go on so long-but after reading through all of your kind words, It was obvious that many of you understand, and I really need'nt be ashamed of another persons behavior, so I thought I would at least update you on how the whole thing shook out (so far)

Thanks again everyone-I was and am overwhelmed by your responses. Barring any unforseen developments, I will try to keep the subject matter of my threads light-hearted and fun for awhile!!!

Bless you all!!

 

[GhettoRacingKid]

I hope it will all work out for the best. Maybe the tough love you and your wife are showing will open the step duaghters eyes and realize that she is the problem and then want the real help she needs to get her life back on track.

way to go Jr Warriors. What postition does he play?

 

[smoke king]

way to go Jr Warriors. What postition does he play?

He's 58.5 pounds of "smash-mouth" running back

Oh, and he plays safety on defense!!!

 

[GhettoRacingKid]

way to go. you must be proud. hopfully one day he will be a big star in the NFL and finally give the buccaneers a decent running game. even though its looking good this year.

 

[quicksilver]

Thanks everyone-I cannot begin to tell you how nice it is to know that other people understand my position on this. This has been a point of contention between my wife and I, and I feel that I have to be very careful as to how I handle the situation-I don't want to damage my marriage in any way. This is my wifes daughter, and my step-daughter. While my Mrs. agrees with my position (which is basically the same as yours) her "maternal instincts" keep it from being as "black & white" an issue as it is to the rest of us.

Since I started this thread, I agreed with my wife that she could stay, only if she were to agree to a strict and comprehensive set of ground rules. So I called her up and began to lay them down. Within 5 minutes, she was screaming into the phone, calling me names that I dare not repeat (evidently, there are new combinations of expletives that I've never heard!) And hung up on me.

Well, not 30 minutes later, we started to get phone calls from family members around the country (those sympathetic to her plight) to let us know she had been calling them all to say "goodbye"-part of her M.O. has always been the threat of suicide-and that we needed to do something. Of course I asked them if they might be willing to take her in, and of course, they said that they would be glad to, except for.. (insert various reasons here).

She has been to rehab before-many times, most recently a couple of months ago. It only works if you actually want the help, and she does not.

So other than freezing my tail off at my Grandsons pee-wee football game (they won 27-0, go Jr. Warriors!!) this is how I spent my weekend. The upside to it all though, is that her playing the "suicide card" has really opened my wifes eyes. We are both compassionate people,but we agree that to be "held hostage" by her threats of killing herself is no way to live, so we are not allowing her back in our house. As of right now, she is officially on her own. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I think, no, I know we made the right decision. I even sat down with my Mrs to discuss, God forbid, if she were to go through with her threat. Although it would be tragic and heartbreaking, we agreed that it would in no way be our fault, so I think she has a pretty good handle on this thing.

Sorry to go on so long-but after reading through all of your kind words, It was obvious that many of you understand, and I really need'nt be ashamed of another persons behavior, so I thought I would at least update you on how the whole thing shook out (so far)

Thanks again everyone-I was and am overwhelmed by your responses. Barring any unforseen developments, I will try to keep the subject matter of my threads light-hearted and fun for awhile!!!

Bless you all!!

When you layed down the ground rules: 1. you were protecting your whole family, 2. you were giving her structure she needs, but is denying. Boundries are very important, as obviously she is so lost, those are guidelines which would really help her, and will be required wherever she goes.
Those sympathetic family members, maybe with good intentions - let them take her on. Until they walk in your shoes, idol talk.........
The suicide card; she is blaming everyone and thing for her misery. As a juevinile would. A tantrum. But she is an adult and blame whoever, she is reponsible for her own action/inaction. You & your wifes "decision" and "agreement" that in no way would be your fault, is very intellectual of you. But will be hard to maintain, if she does do anything more to hurt herself. I agree with you, but be prepared to go up and down - how can anyone rational prepare for the irrational though.
The only thing to do to prepare is stick together, knowing the 2 of you are stonger than this problem, true faith in your God, and know that you like who you see in the mirror every morning.
As far as sharing with us here, that's what families are for. And what do they say??....No man is an island.
Glad you felt comfort here.

 

[Barbara L]

As the others said (and as you already know), you did the right thing. I don't have time to say anything more, but that is the heart of it.

Barbara

 

[kadesma]

I'm so glad you and your wife have agreed on this..It's hard and it hurts when you have to close a door to save a neck.Hopefully enough closed doors will help bring her to her senses..I'll pray she wakes up one day soon and realizes she has been handed a second chance to live.
I'll also pray all works out for your and your family..You've done one of the hardest thing there is to do in life... Try to save a life..Bless you
kadesma

 

[VeraBlue]

You are enabling this behaviour to continue. She's an adult and responsible for her actions. You can help by offering a ride to a rehab, but permitting her to stay with you means you are okay with the theft, the abuse, the child neglect and the emotional roller coaster she comes with.
It's easy for me to say this because it's not my situation. But...with nothing to lose, I can see it as clear as crystal on a sunny morning.

What isn't easy is for me to suggest how you live with yourself if you follow my advice. Being able to live with it will be just as hard on you as it will be on the one you put out. However, if you do this, chances are, you'll only have to be hard and cold just once. It could be all that is required to turn her around.

 

[jabbur]

As a mother I can understand your wife's split feelings. Knowing what to do in your head and being able to follow through with your heart is not always easy. I applaude you and your family for sticking to your guns. Maybe when she realizes there is no one left but herself, she will begin to see what you see and make the changes in her life. Continue to pray for her and let her know you love her but cannot do anything more for her. I'm glad you found some peace and that you and your wife are in agreement. That is very important that you present a unified front. The weekend wasn't a total loss since the football team won!

 

[B'sgirl]

I'm glad you were able to come to a decision. I hope it all works out for the best. Keep praying for her!

 

[smoke king]

Well-she "kicked it up a notch"-her soon-to-be-ex husband found her on the floor this morning (thurs 9/18) unconcious and overdosed-evidently she washed down a handfull of psychotropic (?) pills with a bottle of vodka.

While I know this type of behavior should never be taken lightly, in all fairness this makes seven attempts since summer of 2005. Surprisingly, my wife took it well (all things considered) and the doctors said she will be OK.

A lot of advice I/we've recieved here on DC is resonating pretty loudly, and we've decided to stick to our guns. We will no longer enable this behavior-and we fully realize the risk. I've told her in the past that if she chooses to take her own life, i will be sad, but in no way will she be remembered as a hero or a martyr. That may sound harsh-but its truly the way I feel.

I not asking for more support-I am already overwhelmed by the outpouring of kindness from you all, and I don't even know how I could possibly thank you enough. Just know that in my heart of hearts, I am thankful for each and every one of you, and I mean that sincerely.

I just thought I would bring you up to date. Now, I think I'll see about getting my valium Rx refilled

 

[Chief Longwind Of The North]

I ahve read only the first page of this thread. But from that page, I have to concurr with the advice given. But it's a difficult thing to do. I know of a Mother-daughter relationship that is much like what you are discribing. Unfortunately, the mother is enabling her daughter to misbehave. And like your situation, there is a young child in the mix, only about 3 years of age. The mother of the child is teaching the child to misbehave. She thinks that it's funny. She is destroying that child's future. Do not let this person in your home, not only for your sake, but for the boy's as well. If the woman won't accept help, then she has made her bed. The cycle must be broken. She can't be allowed to destroy her son's life as she has messed up her own.

It's a harsh thing to say, and I don't know that I'd be any better at turning one of my own away. Fortunately, I don't have to. They are all wonderful adults.

If it helps, think of it this way. We are responsible to everyone else on this planet. We need to hold out a hand of love and help, especially to our families. But, if that person who needs help is tearing down the rest of the family, then they are a harm to themselves and everyone else around them, and must be removed. When you enable a misbehaving person, you are giving them power. Power is control. Would you give a 6 year old child a shotgun? No, because he hasn't the knowledge, or maturity to be trusted with that much power. Power must be meeted out to people according to their ability to wield it. And if they misuse it, it must be taken from them. If this woman refuses to take accountability for her actions, and refuses to act reasonably, then the power to misbehave, at least in your home, must be taken from her. My children, indeed, any who enter my home know that it is a no smoking, no swearing, no fighting, no alcohol zone. My home is my refuge and sanctuary, and is such for anyone within it. Break my household rules and you will be shown the door, even thrown out. I've only had to throw one person out of my home, and that was a very long time ago.

Seeeeeya; Goodweed of the North

 

[VeraBlue]

I just thought I would bring you up to date. Now, I think I'll see about getting my valium Rx refilled

RonJohn is making sidecars tonight....he mentioned it in the sidecar thread. Why not go over there and drink some of my bourbon? (he's holding a few bottles hostage till I come to detroit, of all places).

Your on a rough road, but so is the young lady. Counseling all around, I say. Good luck, and I mean that.

 

[Claire]

I'm sorry, but I'd say not only no, but aitch ee double hockey sticks no. I decided to forgoe having children, but at some point, no matter what, they have to grow up. I have two freinds who now have "children" older than me who cannot live their own lives. (I'm 53). Time to make the kids move on, especially if the kids are well into adult-hood.