Advice For A New Single Father

[auntdot]

Erik, am very sorry to hear about your problems.

Once, when things were rough, someone gave me a prayer.

It goes:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

I later learned it came from AA, or so I have been told.

When the going gets tough, I return to it. Whoever thought of it was very wise.

At least it has helped me through many hard times.

God bless and you always have friends here.

 

[ironchef]

erik, i hate to say this, but the sooner you drop the "soulmate" routine and realize that she's got a lot of freakin problems, the better off you'll be.
my guess is you are going to have to eat a lot of crapola from her (this is a simple judgement based on the fact that any person able to fall in love with anyone else while married with a kid is pretty f#$%^d up, and exceedingly immature. AND divorce laws are extremely unfair and gender biased.)

i'm sorry to be so abrupt, but it's time to face up to things, considering there's a child involved. this is a HUGE thing in his life, so there's no time to be wishy washy.

i think andy gave you the best preliminary advice, from what i've read so far.
take care of yourself first. get used to catching yourself feeling sorry (for yourself) and like you can't understand what you did wrong. you didn't do anything wrong. it sounds like your only fault was choosing the wrong person to try to build a life. sh!t happens to the best of us. you will make a lot of mistakes in life, hopefully not all this big, but you're not perfect. accept it, and get ready to move on and not repeat them.

once you get your feet under you and forget the love-lost crap, only then can you be a competent parent. if you feel ok about yourself, you'll have no need to belittle your ex to your child, no matter what happens. in fact, your strength will help carry you and your boy through whatever the ex throws at you, and will solidify your father/son relationship. and if there is any possibility of reconcilliation - for the boy's sake if nothing else, then you can't be a patsy or doormat for a proven loser.

i haven't been divorced, but have been very close. fortunately, nothing has been done on either part to force a hand in my case. life is a work in progress, i hope.

i have been through 2 very rough breakups of long term relationships tho, losing an awful lot of dreams, possesions, and time along the way. dreams and possesions can be regained. the last cannot, so realize that every move from now on must be thought out, not based on emotions.

infidelity is about the worst thing to get over. been on both sides of that. no matter how much someone is sorry, the relationship is damaged, and at best it will take many many years to even begin to get back to square one.

well, whatever you decide, good luck. i hope it works out for you and your boy, and your ex realizes the amount of pain she's caused, and does the right thing by her son.

Great post BT.

 

[licia]

I am so sorry to hear this. As a mother of one divorced and a grandmother of one divorced, I know how hard it can be and certainly hope things go well for you. You have been given some very good advice and I won't add to it except to say don't make any major decisions without lots of thought while you are feeling in such a slump. Things will get better each day. Just love that little boy a lot and do what is best for yourself and for him.

 

[Claire]

By the way, Aunt Dot, that is used by 12-step groups, but it is sort of taken from the prayer of St Francis of Assisi.

 

[mudbug]

Erik, lots of good advice here, albeit some is contradictory. Here's mine:

Love your little guy - make dang sure he knows it - and be who you are (who else should you be?) I think children understand authenticity over everything.

 

[Trip]

About the only piece of advice I could give you is to hold your head up, but not to let pride get in the way of accepting help from friends and family. If help is offered, even if its just to watch the little one so you can have some personal time, then accept it. Remember, someday you'll be able to do them a favor and if the situations were reveresed I'm sure you'd try to help too. I have a few friends who have found themselves in the same situation and they always seem to think they should go it alone. Make use of your resources, no man is an island I think the saying goes.

 

[CharlieD]

Divorce sucks. Children are always the one who suffer in divorce. You should do everything possible to be a good father. Your life will turn around for better, give a bit of time, but for your child you’ll always be the father and you’ll always have to do everything possible to be one, no matter how hard it might be. Unfortunately, it is not always easy. Good luck to you.

 

[Erik]

Thank you everyone again for the advice!!! My chin is up...and I am trying to my best to face the world head-on!!! You are all awesome!!!

 

[SizzlininIN]

Hey Eric! Sorry your going through such a rough time guy. I'm not going to pass judgement on your or your wife as I do not live in your household so I personally do not know what goes on or has gone on between you two to lead you to this point. There's two sides to every story and everyone interprets it their own way. Now enough about that.

Your proriety now is the well being of your child. I've been through a divorce myself and have many friends go through divorces also. My ex and I handled our break up as mature adults. Granted I wanted to strangle him many times and still do but for the sake of the kids I turned the other cheek. I'm sure he feels the same. Our first year was rough but we managed to put our differences aside for the sake of the kids....that year was hard for the kids too. After that first year we grew into friends again and the kids got used to the fact that mom and dad weren't getting back and that they were good friends though. In fact some think we have the strangest relationship because we go places with our kids together....along with my DH and son from my 2nd marriage. We've all taken vacations together. He was very much a part of my now deceased parents life still after we divorced. I guess its kind of like how Demi Moore and Bruce Willis handled their divorce only we did it first. I can't tell you the benefits it had on my 2 boys from that marriage..........they've thrived. But like I said that first year was rough. We had to set boundaries and work together to be sure the kids didn't play off each of us.
Just be there for him....really listen to him and let him share his feelings. Don't over indulge him to try to make up for this situation. Keep your relationship with him the same as it was. As much consistency the better.
I can tell you from experience watching how my friends handle their divorces.........arguing in front of the children, bad mouthing each other or talking about the ex in front of the child is only going to hurt the child more. If you have an issue with the ex and the child is present then ask to set aside some time where you two can discuss the problem without him around. If your friends or family begin to criticize your ex while your child is present you need to immediately address the situation by calmly excusing yourself and your child and find something to preoccupy your sons time in another room w/door closed and then immediately go back to the family and explain that that behavior in inexcusable and why it it.
Like I said...........its time to really watch what you and your ex say and do in front of your child.
And lastly..........I know that loneliness will settle in and your going to want to find someone else to be a part of your life. Remember this person is going to be a part of your sons life too so choose wisely. However, on this note the best advice I can give you is take a long break before you dive back into the whole relationship thing. I say this because until you are truely over this one and have picked through it and figured out what went wrong and learn to accept that you'll never be truely ready to move on. You don't want to bring unresolved problems into another relationship. Take a good 6 month breather and focus just on you and your son. Good luck and give the lil guy a hug for me.

 

[middie]

Erik I'm so sorry about everything. Just make sure your son knows he is the #1 priority of your life. Things will get better for you.