Anger and Guilt..

[Dove]

I hate to bring this up now with Christmas just a few days away but I am really going through a rough time now. This started last Sunday while attending a dear friend's 80th birthday party. Then again while with my son shopping..the tears start and I can't stop them. I called my doctors office today and he wants to see me tomorrow afternoon. I know he is going to recommend Grief Counseling but how can they make me feel any better??

 

[daisy]

Christmas isn't a happy time for a lot of people. According to the statistics, it's a time when many relationships break up, when family fights happen, and of course people die at Christmas just like at any other time of the year.

You don't tell us what precipitated your tears, and you don't have to. Just know that there are people who care about you, and right now, even though I don't know you, I'm one of them.

You are sad and depressed, whatever the cause, and if you're grieving, then that easily explains it. Take it from one who knows - grief counselling will help tremendously. I'm having it at the moment, as it happens, having recently loss an ex-partner and dear friend.

If the doctor prescribes you some tablets - take them. Don't be frightened by all the tales that they're addictive, and that sort of thing. You really need something to 'take the crest off the waves' right now. Just remember that you should see your doctor regularly while taking these things, and don't just stop them - you must gradually reduce the dosage over time, otherwise you might well come crashing down again, and you don't want that! If you find that one tablet doesn't suit you, there are plenty of alternatives that will. Just let the doctor monitor you regularly.

Also remember that there are no right or wrong ways of feeling or showing grief. It can hit you any time, anywhere, and usually when you least expect it (or want it!). Shed your tears, express your feelings in any way that relieves the sadness. Use us here on this forum as a vent, if you want. We've all been there at some time, needing a wailing wall and a hand to hold.

I'm glad you're seeing your doctor. I hope you follow his advice. Of course, if he says 'snap out of it!', get up and walk out and find another doctor!

Here's ((((HUGS)))) coming at you! You WILL get through this rough patch, you know!

 

[wasabi]

Dearest Marge,

You will never know if they can help you unless you try. Go to at least 3 sessions and see if this is for you. You can't do it alone. Please go and get help. You know we are always here. We love you very much.

 

[licia]

Marge, I can understand that you may be in a bit of depression - after all it hasn't been that long since a very important part of your life was taken away - and to add a season of celebration to that - can bring up lots of thoughts and feelings. I'm not comparing the loss of my father to the loss of your husband, but I remember the Christmas after my dad died in September, I felt so very sad and even guilty if I enjoyed any of it. Perhaps you haven't worked through all of your grief and the counseling may truly help with that. I hope you get what you need and are able to have many pleasant memories to help you. Thinking of you.

 

[Barb L.]

Sadness and tears are very normal, time is the healer. Just remember Paul is still with you through all the holiday seasons, (he is right by your side). May God be with you and give you Peace. Merry Christmas to you and your family , Barb L.

 

[Candocook]

There is one thing true about grief--you cannot choose the time you may express grief in whatever form. Sometimes the tears come for unknown reasons. While going to a counseling session may indeed help you overcome your overall feelings, I think you are expressing a healthy reaction to a tremendous loss (which I do not know about). Friends should support you in that.

 

[Michelemarie]

Marge, the words written here are true. I am praying for you and your family.

 

[PA Baker]

{{{marge}}} Like everyone has said, what you're feeling is so normal and to be expected, especially this time of year. Please go to your doctor's appointment and just see what he/she has to say. Trying new things to feel better might be really uncomfortable at first but it will hopefully pay off in the long run. Remember we're all here for you, too!

 

[middie]

Marge I'm going through my first holidays without my dad so I can relate to how you're feeling. It is normal. And believe me grief counseling can and will help you along the way. It just takes time.

 

[ChefJune]

Marge: the tears are to be expected. This is your first Christmas without your Beloved... It stinks, I know...but the grief counseling can and almost certainly will help you to understand your feelings, and even perhaps to get over those incredible lonely feelings.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers all through the season... but don't try to do it by yourself.

You also have a large and loving support group here, but unfortunately we can only send cyber hugs. Right now I'm thinking you need a boatload of real ones...

 

[Alix]

Marge, PM me. Counselling WILL help. Key word there is HELP. The only thing that will heal you is time Marge. Don't rush yourself. Allow yourself those times to let the grief overwhelm you, but don't stay there all the time. Pick yourself up and go see your kids. Don't feel guilty for a few moments of laughter either. Big hugs Marge, keep coming to us. Its what we are here for.

 

[shpj4]

The Holidays are not the best time for people especially you. A grief counselor will help you get though this and you should definitely see him even after the Holidays. He definitely knows what you are going through and you will feel so much better after your meeting.

 

[mudbug]

Aw, sweetie - I can't imagine you getting through Christmas without trouble this time. Cling to your boys - they are facing their first Christmas without dad too, even if they're the type who don't show any emotion.

Best love and warm hugs.

 

[Reanie525i]

Dove - You need to experience the grief - It hurts so much - BUT you must grieve and have the right to miss what you lost - Most Doctors will put you on anti deppresants which relieve the pain but do not deal with your feelings. Grief counseling might be a good thing - vent your feelings with people who know what you are going through at this time. When you see others feel the same things and thoughts it really does help. We can all support you but unless you experience it first hand you never really know what goes thru your mind. If you try it and do not like it or feel it helps you can discontinue the counseling - BUT if it helps keep with it - You will not know unless you try - Wish I could help bear your burden and grief -I am here if you need to talk

 

[Corinne]

I hate to bring this up now with Christmas just a few days away but I am really going through a rough time now.

Marge,
You may know that I lost my only son 2 3/4 years ago. Here are a few things I can tell of about my grieving process:

- I would bounce back & forth between so many feelings for about the first year: total despair, anger, guilt, just wanting to lay down & die myself, and on & on. It felt like I was going crazy. I understand that this is typical when you are grieving for a loved one. The most normal things would set me off: walking the aisles in the grocery store & seeing the different things that Shane loved, going to a wedding or baby shower, seeing the way that other parents looked at their children & knowing I would never have anyone to look at in that way again.

- I did get some medication from my Dr. to help me sleep & cope with getting thru a day. Sleep was my only relief at the beginning, it seemed. I could make things go away for a short time. I don't regret doing that.

- Revel in your tears. If you didn't love Paul so much, it wouldn't hurt so much. I let myself wallow in it when I needed to. And I let myself laugh, too. Because I tried to think about how Shane would have wanted me to be. - how he would have wanted me to handle things. And how I would have wanted him to handle things if I had died before him, like I was supposed to.

- what helped me? I am an avid reader so I read everything I could get my hands on about this kind of thing. It made me feel like others knew what I was going thru & made me realize that I wasn't going crazy.

I did attend one session of a Bereaved Parents support group. Again, I felt like I was with people who totally understood how I felt, when most people can't. The reason I didn't attend more sessions was because it was kinda far away from me & Shane had already been gone for a year & a half by that time. I went with someone else who just lost her son a couple months before.

Time does NOT heal all wounds but it does make things better. You start to accept & look at things differently. Now I am thankful for any reminder of Shane - any mention of his name. I love to look at his photos & remember the times of his life. When, at the beginning, it was nothing but pain.

I don't know if this will help you at all. I really hope it does. You need to keep waking up every morning but you don't need to smile your way thru the day. You need to take care of yourself as best as you can. If you want to cry, do it! If you want to laugh, go ahead - doesn't mean you miss Paul any less. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. If others around you don't understand, too bad. This is your grief. Try anything you want to, to get thru this. And lean on your DC family as much as you want. As you can see, there are many people here for you.

With love & hugs,
Corinne

 

[amber]

Marge,

Corinne has summed up exactly what I would have said. What she mentions are the stages of her grief, which to me sounds exactly like mine when I lost my parents. It takes time Marge, and you have not had alot of that yet, so do whatever you need to do to keep yourself going, and just know that we are always here for you. To lose a spouse, and in Corinnes situation to lose her son, are two of the most extreme forms of grief I can only imagine and hope I never have those experiences. We all expect to lose our parents, and it is very difficult indeed, but expected.

Let us know how it goes with your doctor tomorrow Marge. Keep close to your sons too because they are grieving and need you!

 

[kitchenelf]

{{{{{{{{{Marge}}}}}}}}}}

Someone asked me one time what the hardest thing was when my father died (I know it's no comparison to you and Paul but it's the closest I have) - I said just people around me doing everyday, normal things like laughing, smiling, being with their friends and families with NO apparent concerns or worries. I really wish I was there. I will call you tomorrow.

I certainly can't add to what everyone has said. The crying is all a part of it. I used to cry for hours upon hours. It eventually just eases up. In the meantime we are all here.

Bear and I both send our love!

 

[Dove]

The Dr. did recommend Counsling..also increased my Celebrex. Said if I need him to call. I'll go back in 3 weeks.

I know all of you are right but it hurts so much. I feel like I've known him all my life..I guess I did. 58 1/2 years out of 73. I know it will take time ..the rest of my life. I feel guilty that i can't be there for my sons. One lets his feelings be known and the other keeps it all inside just like his dad always did.

Thank you all for listning..love you guys,
Have the best Holiday Season you can..enjoy.

 

[Candocook]

HOw much Celebrex!! You need to protect your stomach and liver from that--no fooling. It is for inflammation, yes--arthritis?

 

[daisy]

Celebrex is an anti-anflammatory that has recently been the subject of warnings (I think causes heart-attacks in some people who take large or frequent doses, but don't quote me).

I think you might mean Celepram, which is Citalopram, called by many names including Celexa, or Cipramil, even Talax (depends on where you live and who manufactures it). It is an SSRI (antidepressant), and it is considered very safe. It's one of a whole groups of similar drugs - if you find yourself sinking lower, off to the doctor with you, and he'll find you one that suits you better. But in my experience, it's the best of the lot. I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and am quite familiar with these things.

Do take advantage of the counselling. It doesn't take away the pain, but it really does help you cope with it.

I know it's hard right now - it's such early days - but it really does get easier with the passage of time, I promise you! Of course you'll always miss your man, but it won't always be such a raw wound.

This is a time when you're allowed to be utterly selfish. Your sons know what you're going through, they understand better than you think, and possibly better than they're showing. They'll be dealing with it in their own way, just as they're allowing you to deal with it in your way. Your first priority right now is YOU. Once you're through the worst of it, then you can worry about other people. No guilt trips, OK?? There are other people they can lean on, and they'll be doing it.

Take it one step at a time. Just keep on ploddin' along. If getting through the day is too much, then just take it by the hour. Gradually, the darkness will turn to light. You have already taken your first steps towards recovery (seeking medical help, and talking to us) - take the next ones as soon as you are able, at your own pace. A counsellor can help you if you stumble.

You are very much in my thoughts right now. I'm a little further down the track than you, but we're in the same situation, like others here who are holding your hand.