Depressed During The Holidays?

[babetoo]

i find that no matter what i do, i get depressed during the holidays. to some extent i do know why. is it sadness for christmas's in the past. those of you that know my story, know this is a bitter sweet time of the year for me.

if you do get depressed what do you do about it? i try as hard as i might, the season hurls me into a tail spin. it was the most wonderful season of my life, sixteen years ago. the last time my whole family was all together. then my husband was murdered and that joy plunged into darkness.

not to bring anyone down, but i find it harder and harder to cope with. any suggestions as to what i might do to relieve this sadness i find, this time of year?

 

[Claire]

Your sadness has deep roots, so the things most of us can say are just going to sound like platitudes. The only thing I can say is to try to do things that are completely different than holidays past. Don't even attempt to re-create the wonderful memories. It isn't going to happen. Give yourself times when you are going to feel sad, and just wallow in it for a few hours with no other plans. A bottle of wine, some chocolate (whatever your particular indulgence is), some time at a beauty parlor (my idea of a nightmare, but not for most of my friends), the old pics, and a good cry. Then put it away. Sometimes doing something for total strangers can help (often doing things for family members can be counter-productive). Like I said, I don't know of your particular situation, but it would put me in a tailspin to. It's not like you can forget it and it will go away. So take a day and indulge yourself completely. Spoil yourself and cry.

 

[PrincessFiona60]

I am so sorry you feel this way, Babe. I feel this is part of the PTSD, reliving the memories and I wish I knew how to help you. I think it's important that you keep looking at those lovely Great Grandchildren and think of all the good you have brought into this world...those babies are a brilliant, wonderful reflection of you!

 

[LPBeier]

Babe, I have suffered from the Christmas Blues all my life. I know a lot of it for me has been the struggle between the "true meaning of Christmas" and the commercialization. And even thought it has been 16 years, I still miss my Mom and all the traditions she put in place from food to decorations.

Since I have been in a real deep depression myself over the past while I am probably not the best person to ask advice of, but some things that do ease the pain include:
- Doing nice deeds for others, taking my mind of myself
- Deep breathing exercises, breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth, slowly and deeply
- curling up with a nice cup of tea and a book or a good (happy) TV show or movie
- Talking to people - DC fits that space for me quite well.
- Surrounding myself with family and friends.

I will pray for some relief for you, Babe. You are a very sweet person and I wish I could be there in person to give you hugs and a shoulder. PM me if you need an ear. {{{{{{{{{{{{{Babetoo}}}}}}}}}}}}}

 

[Bolas De Fraile]

Babe my Kid brother suffers at this time, the last few yrs of my Dads life were bad and he found it hard to help.He will be here in a few hours, he is normally crazy fun to be with. I think that this sadness is a way of proving to himself he loves and misses Dad.
We spend as much time outside as we can walking etc, we dont eat on the big table.There is really no point for me to carry on Babe this is nothing to be ashamed of the word closure is a load of bollocks you have to find away to live and manage your grief. Seeking help is not a sign of weakness.

 

[Aunt Bea]

The ghosts come to visit me each year at Christmas and I have learned to enjoy the time I spend with them. Then I get out and enjoy the living!

Those great grandchildren are the best cure for the holiday blues. Make some great memories for them so that when the ghosts come to visit them they will be able to smile!

Have a great Christmas babe!

 

[CWS4322]

November is my "blue" month. I hate November--if I had my druthers, I would sleep through November to make it go away. I also hate Christmas--I loved Christmas for years, but because we don't have kids, and it is not possible to travel to see family (dogs, distance, etc.) I find that the Christmas season is the time of year where I really feel life didn't turn out the way I wanted it to turn out.

 

[Addie]

Babe2, my daughter was murdered also. She left behind five small children. One of them was just an infant. I have chosen to remember her life and all the fun she brought into our lives. Whenever the family gets together, her name will come up and pretty soon we are all laughing. As her children have grown up and ask questions about their mother, we have chosen to tell them the happy side to the answers we give them. When we sit down to a family get-together and her name comes up, we always mention was a great cook she was. We tell the kids how she would make a meal for some of the street people. She couldn't stand to see anyone hungry.

You HAVE to make yourself see the good side. Eventually, it will become habit. The first year was pure hell. How do I handle my own grief and that of her kids. Her oldest child was sixteen. The two of us walked around in a daze. It was so bad for my GD, that I had to take her out of school and have her home schooled. Her youngest daughter looked just like her. Sometimes I felt so much anger towards her for it. Her kids were walking on eggs around me. When I saw what I was doing to them, I HAD to pull myself together. Since then I love the idea that her youngest looks like her mother. Her oldest daughter has kids of her own now and we talk about how her mother would have loved them. Her oldest daughter looks just like her mother also.

It is not easy. I still miss her come family times. We all do. But there were fun times. And we choose to remember her in that way. Maybe you need to seek some professional help. Start talking about the happy memories, not the bad ones. It is all right to feel happy. You need to give yourself permission to do so. And I am sure your husband would want you to.

Start asking yourself some questions. Is your sadness based in anger because he left you? Would he want you to feel this way, year after year? Are you being fair to the rest of your family? Are you angry because your family has gone on with their lives and you are stuck in sadness?

My heart goes out to you. I have been there and have gone on with my life. You can do the same.

 

[sparrowgrass]

I have fought depression all of my life, til about 20 years ago, when I first heard of Prozac. Anti-depressants have saved my life, literally. I don't think I would be here without them.

Find a doctor you can trust, and talk to him/her. No shame in it--no more than taking insulin or any other medication.

Exercise, sunshine, happy thoughts all have their place, but if you have tried those and are still suffering, medication may ease your pain.

My best to you--depression is the pits.

 

[buckytom]

wow, really great replies, everyone.

babe, i wish you could come to our family celebration for christmas. there's so many people, so many conversations, so many little ones about that there's no time to be anything but happy to be sharing another year with the loved ones still around.

it's an easy thing to say and difficult to accomplish, but i truely believe in the expression that people are as happy as they make their minds up to be.

if it means anything, know that i'll be thinking of you on christmas, wishing you were here.

 

[Vanilla Bean]

I know this year is not a good one for me. My thoughts are with you, babe. Christmas was always such a celebration for my family.

 

[Maidrite]

Come Share Christmas with me.........Its always a Hoot HERE Hugs and Love and I will say a Prayer for you Dear..........

 

[babetoo]

thank you all for the good thoughts. p.s.t.d has it's own way of making the grief intrusive. i have seen lots of shrinks and counselers. i am not saying it is the same as it was, it is not. i am on three drugs for the pstd. this feeling is seasonal and probably always will be. i don't bring it up at gatherings anymore. no one has a clue, where i am in this sad journey. del was my soul mate, the love of my life. his death left a large hole in my life.
i will enjoy the great grandchildren. my granddaughter has planned what sounds like much fun. going to a christmas eve party. my, daughter and two of my granddaughters will be there. i am looking forward to it.

again thanks and all my love, merry christmas to all.

 

[chopper]

Merry Christmas Babe. God bless you. Holes left in our hearts by loved ones passed are hard to fill, it must be unbearable when the loss is so horrific. Christmas time can be a depressing time for all of us. The only thing that seems to help is having children around. You are so blessed to have those wonderful great grand children in your life. May they bring you comfort at this difficult time.

 

[pacanis]

We all have our own griefs and at various times, but the holidays seems to amplify things.

 

[Claire]

We all have our own griefs and at various times, but the holidays seems to amplify things.

I think this is because we tend to think "everyone else" is having the time of their lives, when in fact, for easily half the people I've known in my life, the holidays bring on depression rather than joy. There are many reasons for the depression, but often it has to do with thinking you aren't measuring up. I should be over this. I should have bought better presents. I should have a better job. I should..... Well, guess what? The people who supposedly have all that cr*p aren't really happy. They're just looking for more cr*p that they can't afford. Simplify is often it for people.

 

[bakechef]

I used to be a christmas fanatic. I don't know what has happened over the last few years but I start to dread it now. I just go through the motions trying to make others holiday nice. If my mom didn't come to visit and family wasn't coming to our house, I wouldn't even bother to decorate. I actually hated the whole experience of putting up the tree. I just think of how much money we could save just ignoring the whole thing.

This is the first year without my dad, and that just compounds the problem. If I didn't have a big vacation to look forward to next month, I don't know how I would deal with this holiday.

Yesterday we traveled to my sister's lake house, had a lot of fun, and great food. On the long drive home, there were lots of christmas light displays and we had christmas music playing in the car, and yet my christmas spirit still wasn't sparked, I give up!

 

[Addie]

One year I told my sister I was going to my daughter's and told my daughter that I was going to my sister's houe. so I stayed home, slept in and had a quiet day. I did it again the next year. But I got caught when my sister called my daughter and asked for me.

Little by little I did away with Christmas. My youngest was growing up and wanted to spend the holiday with his friends. Fine with me. Less work. Then my daughter died. I wanted to give her children a Christmas they wouldn't forget. After all Christmas is for small kids. So the day after Thanksgiving I put the tree up with the lights.

All my decorations were wooden and child safe. All the grandchilden (10 of them at that time) would come and decorate the tree. You could tell who decorated what part. It was not the prettiest tree in town, but it was their tree. Then each child got a half of the Pillsbury cookie Christmas roll and they went into the oven. While they were baking there was a craft for them to do. The older kids helped the little ones. Next it was time for them to eat their cookies with a cup of cocoa. By then I was exhausted. Time for the kids to go home. The tree stayed like it was. The little ones thought it was the most beautiful tree in the world because they helped decorate it.

I did this for three years. Then my health started on its downhill slide. The children still remember it, and when I was getting rid of my decorations, they each picked a favorite one for their tree. My daughter's five children one year picked a large wooden star and glued a picture of their mother on it. Needless to say, they still hang it on their own trees now. I gave all of my grandchildren Christmas. I know that someday they will become jaded like the rest of us. But they have a memory that will not fade.

 

[Aunt Bea]

Every year my Christmas gets smaller and smaller but, I still celebrate!

Sometimes when I am getting ready I feel like I am getting ready for a doll's tea party. (Think Mad Hatter! )

I enjoy my little celebrations and I enjoy my memories of the many Christmas times that have passed.

The flame still burns bright!

Ya gotta believe!

So when ya feel yer elastic letting go hitch up yer panties and grab a safety pin, it's Christmas!

Have a great day everybody!

 

[taxlady]

...

So when ya feel yer elastic letting go hitch up yer panties and grab a safety pin, it's Christmas!

...

I'm not quite sure what that means, but I like it.