Is this bad manners?.... your thoughts?

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aussie girl

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On inviting the in-laws/outlaws to dinner (who live an hour away), MIL asks me what time will dinner be? I say at 7pm. They arrive at 6:57pm.

Is it just me, or do others find this sort of behaviour rude too? My Mum taught me, that when you are invited to a meal at someones house, you should arrive at least 30-40 minutes before 'sit-down time' for 2 reasons.

Firstly, to have drinks/cuppa and general chit chat. Secondly, is to ask the host if he/she needs any help in the kitchen. More often than not, the offer is declined, but its always polite to ask.

To me, the in-laws attitude smacks of we're-here-to-eat-not-socialize. Good manners go a long way and cost nothing.
 
RUDE. :neutral:

If I invite someone for a meal, I say 'seven for 7.30 pm', or 'eight for 8.30 pm'..... which allows time for the social niceties, having a drink etc before sitting at the dining table.

The idea of dashing into someone's home and just wolfing down the food which has almost certainly been dished up and ready to go three minutes before the time you gave is outrageous!
 
Thanks Ishbel. The night in question, I cooked a roast (MIL knew of this), and as such everything was timed for 7pm. Once the meat, vegies and gravy are ready, they spoil if held over too long. It was my Dads 70th birthday, and he just wanted a roast.

I held off serving, thinking they may have had car trouble, but no excuses, explaination or apology was forthcoming - this is normal behaviour for them. Sorry, now I'm venting.
 
I agree it's rude. My impression is they didn't want to come but felt an obligation to do so. This way they can say they came but don't have to socialize.

Did they dash off right after dinner or did they stay for a while?

Of course, I suppose they could have had another engagement for earlier and just got there as fast as they could. Your on-going relationship with the in-laws will help you judge which it was.
 
I have to go along, this is not exceptable. I always heard unless an agreement on other plans were made, That 1 hour ahead is right, and you ask if any help is required twice, #1 to be polite and be ready if they say yes :) , #2-15 minutes later in case they really do want help and are afraid to ask or then decide they do need some help. Also someone should have asked when you made plans to start with if they could bring anything or if you would like some help. But I was born way back when, and maybe they don't do that anymore LOL :ROFLMAO: .
 
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oh that's very rude. if we're invited somewhere (say to my dad's) we'll arrive several hours early so we can talk before hand. anywhere else we'll arrive about 30-40 minutes early.
 
I don't think it was rude really. You said dinner is at seven. It might have been best to say dinner is at seven but come early so we can have a drink and relax before dinner. I guess I would be uncertain if someone told me dinner is at a certain time, whether or not they would welcome an early arrival.
 
Golly folks, I have a different take on this.

Where I was raised if you said seven, you expected the people to arrive there at that time, even family, unless you asked them to show up earlier.

Yeah Mom, the party is starting at eight, but we would love to see you earlier, is just fine.

But normally if we said, oh, seven o'clock, we had already factored in time for cocktails and appetizers before we sit down for dinner.

Or we might tell the guests to arrive at six for cocktails and chat, and we will eat at seven.

When I grew up showing up early was considered impolite.

Different places, different times, different norms.
 
auntdot said:
Golly folks, I have a different take on this.

Where I was raised if you said seven, you expected the people to arrive there at that time, even family, unless you asked them to show up earlier.

Yeah Mom, the party is starting at eight, but we would love to see you earlier, is just fine.

But normally if we said, oh, seven o'clock, we had already factored in time for cocktails and appetizers before we sit down for dinner.

Or we might tell the guests to arrive at six for cocktails and chat, and we will eat at seven.

When I grew up showing up early was considered impolite.

Different places, different times, different norms.


:chef: I have to agree with you. If we are invited somewhere we show up at the time mentioned not early. It's up to the hosts to tell people when to come not assume that they'll come early. When inviting people to our home we always say "come at 7:00" and then we plan dinner for later than that... so that's there time to chat and have drinks.
 
Ditto w/ Dot and Amber. When I invite MY family over we usually tell them two times. At what point I will be ready for them to start coming over, then what time we eat. I usually do this because the earlier time means that I have done most of my cooking and my guests won't get in the way, but they can hang out with me and chat while I finish things up, or they can help do minor things.Though, when my in-laws come over, they just come at the designated time, they don't ever come over early and offer to help or hang out, they only hang out AFTER dinner. Not sure why this is...but it doesn't bother me too much since I have a small apartment.
 
sorry, i'm with amber, aunt dot, and the others.
i arrive on time.
it seems impolite to show up too early; the host/ess may not be dressed and made up, the food may need to be carefully tended to, the house may need tidied up, etc.
i say save the chit chat and lingering for after dinner.
if you want to show up early, call and ask if there is anything you can do to help the host/ess get ready.
 
Just playing devil's advocate here--could there have been a reason they got there later than you had hoped, such as car trouble, or a problem getting ready? I have heard both sides of this issue over the years. Try not to let this get to you. I think it would be best to give them the benefit of the doubt, then next time let them know what time you are eating and what time you want them to arrive.

:) Barbara
 
I do agree with you somewhat auntdot, pdswife, amber, htc and luvs. There are probably exceptions to my own rule where I wouldn't arrive early, such as a formal occasion. But this was a informal family dinner. When I visit my parents for lunch, I usualy arrive about 1 hour before sit-down.

You also make a good point luvs, with phoning beforehand to offer any assistance to the host. I guess I could try to be a little more relaxed about this issue, but tardiness in general just goes against my grain.
 
I have some family members that I must tell them a time earlier than when we plan to eat because they are always late. They fooled me at thanksgiving. I told them we would eat at 12:30 thinking they would arrive at least 30 minutes later - they popped in at 12:15. I felt we needed to eat early because some family came and left the same day and we wanted to have time together after dinner - not eat and run. Much of my family consists of procrastinators and if I don't stay on course, we would never get things done. I counted 12 people in the kitchen on Thanksgiving and only 2 or 3 of us were working. Someone must stay focused or things would be a mess.
 
aussie girl said:
On inviting the in-laws/outlaws to dinner (who live an hour away), MIL asks me what time will dinner be? I say at 7pm. They arrive at 6:57pm.

Is it just me, or do others find this sort of behaviour rude too? My Mum taught me, that when you are invited to a meal at someones house, you should arrive at least 30-40 minutes before 'sit-down time' for 2 reasons.

Firstly, to have drinks/cuppa and general chit chat. Secondly, is to ask the host if he/she needs any help in the kitchen. More often than not, the offer is declined, but its always polite to ask.

To me, the in-laws attitude smacks of we're-here-to-eat-not-socialize. Good manners go a long way and cost nothing.

If you come early, I'm ticked off :LOL: Point being, tell guests what time the party event starts, not what time I think the food/dinner will be ready. I would allow time to mingle etc., as long as they show up on time. Discourtesy, to me, is arriving late after everyone is sitting down to dinner.

P.S. If someone tells me dinner will be at 7:00, that is the time I would arrive, or shortly before. Tell guests what time you want them to arrive. I would have done the same in their shoes.
 
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I was brought up in the same fashion as the most of you. Darla, however, was brought up a bit different. If her family was told that dinner was at 7:00 they would be there at 6:45. That really ticks me off. I know it shouldn't since they mean no malice. That's just the way they are. They socialize after dinner with coffee and cake. I personally believe that if dinner is at 7:00 that guests are welcome to start arriving at 2:00 and should be here no later than 5:00. This leaves time for drinks and apps. I always put out a plate of cheeses and crackers or shrimp coctail or something to that effect.
 
homey, does spanky and alfalfa know that you married darla?

i hope you play "in my canoe" for her...:)
 
I will get to wherever about 30 minutes early to help if needed. My family all know that when we say a certain time, then that is when we want to start and to be a little early so that we aren't all waiting around and then get started late, therefore, ending late. If someone is late, MOST of the time, not always though, they will call and let the host know.
 
It sounds like there are people on both sides of this issue. It comes down to a few things, communication, and also if your in-laws are generally rude people or if they are usually well mannered. If they are basically well mannered then I think it would be safe to assume that when you told them 7 that they thought that was when you wanted them to arrive. On the other hand if they are just rude people all around then it is possible that they just wanted to come over, eat, and leave.

Communication breakdowns can be difficult. next time try to be very specific and say something like we would love it if you came over around 6:30. I plan on having dinner on the table at 7.
 
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