Jesus is watching you!

[Clutch]

One night a burglar is breaking into a house. He sneaks across the lawn and just as he creeps inside, he hears a voice - "Jesus is watching you!" He jumps, turns around, but he doesn't see anything. So he starts creeping frther into the house. "Jesus is watching you!" He hears it again. So now the burglar is really looking around, and he sees a parrot in a cage. He says to the parrot, "Did you say that?" The parrot answers "Yes I did." So the burglar asks, "What's your name?" The parrot says "Clarence." The burglar says "What kind of stupid idiot would name his parrot Clarence?" The parrot laughs and says, "The same stupid idiot that named his Rottweiler 'Jesus' "






A co-worker just told me this one about 15 minutes ago and I just HAD to share it.

 

[Robo410]

yes amen brother! thanks

 

[jkath]

good one, clutch!

 

[stargazer021]

loved it.

 

[urmaniac13]

Thanks for the , Clutch!!

 

[boufa06]

Good joke, Clutch!!

 

[Half Baked]

Loved it Clutch!

State Trooper

A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about 2 miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.

When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Savannah to do a show that night at the Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the
Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car ( a drunk good old boy from South Carolina), got out and watched the performance briefly; he then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.



The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause
there's no way I can pass that test."

 

[Harborwitch]

Spew!

 

[Clutch]

^ HAHAHA! Good one!

Here's another one:

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.

Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT! Am I good or what??!!??)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him

" Midnight"!

He didn't seem pissed off at all. (Whew! Got away with that one! )

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, *no*,", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

 

[Harborwitch]

Spew!

 

[mad_evo99]

Hilarious Clutch!