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Old 02-24-2008, 10:14 AM   #1881
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Thanks to everyone for their kind words. They will not allow me to go home and schedule the surgery, which is what the doctor says they normally do, because I am a smoker and they feel if I leave the hospital and light up a cigarette I could potentially have a heart attack. So, I stay here until the surgery on Tuesday afternoon. They also started me on anti-depressants and are concerned about that.
My mom is coming here on Monday, I have not talked to her since dads funeral in 04, so there may be the chance for reconciliation between us. I am hoping so. And the last series of tests are Monday as well.
In the meantime, thank God the hospital has wireless or I would be bored out of my skull! The cardiologist keeps telling me "congratulations on quiting smoking". It took me a few minutes to realize what he was saying, LOL. As far as they are concerned, I have officially quit now. They gave me the patch, but it only takes the edge off. DW has informed she has already hidden away my cigarettes... I think this will be the hardest part of it all.
I can only say thank God they found this early, and it is getting taken care of so I can be there to see my kids grow up!
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Old 02-24-2008, 10:27 AM   #1882
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Wow, I'm really glad that you didn't just go home this time!! Could have been so much worse. I agree with Expat, don't worry about wife right now. You need to think solely on what is going on with YOU. I hope all the best for you and your mom to get things back again. I don't know what happened, but, if you have even the slightest chance of being with your mom again, do it!! Good luck to you!!
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Old 02-24-2008, 11:44 AM   #1883
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Hi Buddy
Thinking of you and praying for the reconciliation with your mom. Keep resting so you are in the best state for your op and look forward to hearing from you afterwards.
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Old 02-24-2008, 11:57 AM   #1884
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Buddy, I pray all goes well with the surgery and that you and your mom reconcile.
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Old 02-24-2008, 12:24 PM   #1885
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Wow, leave the thread for a minute and all kinds of stuff goes down....
Hang tough, Buddy. Like everyone else said, it's a good thing they caught it in time to make it a simpler operation. I can't understand the "required" hospitalization ahead of time, as that more than likely would add to your stress, but I guess they have their reasons.
Don't hesitate to start a BS thread to pass the time.
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Old 02-24-2008, 01:16 PM   #1886
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Wow, there's a lot of stuff happening really fast for you, Maverick! Maybe you're feeling like you have no control over anything right now - I know I would. Try to remember that you're doing all this so you can attend your kids' graduations, dance at their weddings, and rejoice in your grandchildren! Sorta like keeping your eye on the prize. You have lots of people in your life and here that will be with you throughout this. Lean on them. If you're nervous, hang out here. We'll be happy to distract you. (And while you're surfing, look up a thread here about chicks digging scars. It could be the silver lining!)
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Old 02-24-2008, 03:06 PM   #1887
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Wow, Maverick, you have a lot on your plate right now. Just do as my maternal grandfather always recommended, "Take it easy, make it nice."

Just follow the instructions by those caring for you and focus on getting yourself back to 100%. If you need to lean on anyone, lean on us and lean as hard as you must. We're all here for you 24/7.

I hope you reach a positive resolution with your mother and that you and your wife weather whatever storm has brewed. In times when we face significant health issues, other things can take on proportions greater than needed. Just let the dust settle and concentrate on taking care of YOU. After that, everything else will fall into place. Goes back to that "take it easy, make it nice" thing. There is a lot of wisdom on those words.

Buck and I will keep you in our thoughts and prayers.
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Old 02-24-2008, 05:50 PM   #1888
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Well, the peace around here just went out the window. My oldest son, 22 years old, has been blowing his money, of course, not if you ask him. He owes us money for the car going in the shop and for insurance. Insurance was due on the 6th. He received his income tax refund and gave us all but, $100 of the car part and said he wanted to have money in his pocket for once. Well, we let that go for a week. Well, here we are 3 weeks later and he only gave me $100. He couldn't even make his whole car payment last week of $150. He only pays $130 a month for insurance and $150 bi-weekly for the car payment. He eats everything he can find in the house. Uses up all the towels, washes only his clothes on Saturday, which dh and myself both work that day, doesn't give us any money for food or anything. All we ask is for him to pay us his insurance, that is it. IF he works 40 hours, he makes $246 a week. Yes, not much, but, in a month, should have PLENTY to pay the 2 car payments and insurance. He lives here for free and gripes about EVERYTHING. him and dh got into it today. I thought it was going to end up in a fist fight, I really did, this time. Stupid son got in dh's face and ask him what his problem was and stop yelling at him. DH shoved him and told him that was it, get out of his house. Son left white faced and gunned his car down the road. I'm here crying my eyes out. I'm scared to death about son. He has no where to go, no money and as angry as he was, I'm afraid of him getting hurt. I know, he needs to learn, but, as a mother, I'll never quit worrying about them both. Younger son finally got a job and if he doesn't pay us back quickly, dh will go off on him too. Normally, wouldn't be that big of a deal, but, we are hurting so bad financially, neither one of us can even see a doctor from our bank accout being under $100 because of all the bills. He knows this too and doesn't seem to care at all. Youngest son at least seems to care, we will see.
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Old 02-24-2008, 07:07 PM   #1889
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Oh Stacy, what a hard place to be in. I'm so sorry you are feeling so bad all over the place. Prayers for peace are coming your way.
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Old 02-24-2008, 07:13 PM   #1890
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Son still hasn't come back. I just hope he's okay. Will be an interesting nights sleep.
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Old 02-24-2008, 08:15 PM   #1891
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Son still hasn't come back. I just hope he's okay. Will be an interesting nights sleep.
I'm sorry you hafto go thru this TG. Does your son not realize you are not financially able to carry his bills? After all he has it made if he can live rent free etc. Is it possible for him to work with out a car? If so drop all your help on his bills and get out of the bills if they are in your name because you just plain can't afford it. If he can't or wont deal with his bills then that is just to bad for him. I never got any hand outs from my mother because she just did not have the money at best I could borrow $20.00 but I always paid it back because I knew she wouldn't ever lend me anymore. My parents divorced when I was little but my dad also was tight with his money so guess what I learned early on I was responsible for my own bills. I also always lived on my own in studio apartments and sometimes I didn't even have money for tooth paste or food many times I only had $20.00 left after bills to sustain me for two weeks until the next paycheck . All that made me hafto work a job six days a week and usually ten hours or more a day but it was worth it to me as I loved my independence. It sucks to go to work and still only make enough to just get by that is why I would work at a job I hated but always kept looking for a better job and I would find them and then I would look for an even better job. It helps to work in a job that you love so much you would do it for free for me it was cooking and I advanced in a timely manner to finally make enough to pay bills and have some left for a bit of saving and fun. All my jobs were a get paid and learn job as soon as I mastered one job at a restaurant I would look to work at a better restaurant. So many people just settle for the the job they have when they should always keep looking to see if there is something better out there.
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Old 02-24-2008, 08:55 PM   #1892
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jp, he does know about our finances. We only have his insurance on ours. The car thing was when he was in an accident and we helped him by paying the $500 deductible. Other than that, he keeps all of his money. We know he blows it. He also goes to work late and comes home early. We saw a check stub that shows only 30 hours. He is only bringing home $175 because of it. He just doesn't care.
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Old 02-24-2008, 09:02 PM   #1893
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As hard as it sounds, Stacy, you and your DH need to become a united front and set some guidelines, be they small ones. Set limits and consequences for noncompliance...and STICK to them no matter how painful it might be for you and DH.

In other words, dig your heels and keep them there to stabilize your position. Unless and until you do that, your son will continue to push, push, push the envelope and...win.

In the end, everyone is the loser in this game. Guess what I'm trying to say is "tough love" is something that's due.

It will be uncomfortable and hard, but well worth the effort. Been there, done that.
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Old 02-24-2008, 09:07 PM   #1894
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As hard as it sounds, Stacy, you and your DH need to become a united front and set some guidelines, be they small ones. Set limits and consequences for noncompliance...and STICK to them no matter how painful it might be for you and DH.

In other words, dig your heels and keep them there to stabilize your position. Unless and until you do that, your son will continue to push, push, push the envelope and...win.

In the end, everyone is the loser in this game. Guess what I'm trying to say is "tough love" is something that's due.

It will be uncomfortable and hard, but well worth the effort. Been there, done that.
I know. I dont' think he will come back, except to get his stuff either after we go to bed or when we're not here. I don't know where he is and that is what is bothering me right now.
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Old 02-24-2008, 09:11 PM   #1895
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I understand, Stacy. He is at the stage where he thinks he knows everything. However long it will take, he will find out how little he knows.

Just sit tight and love him through it. I know it is hard. You can do it.
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Old 02-24-2008, 10:14 PM   #1896
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As hard as it sounds, Stacy, you and your DH need to become a united front and set some guidelines, be they small ones. Set limits and consequences for noncompliance...and STICK to them no matter how painful it might be for you and DH.

In other words, dig your heels and keep them there to stabilize your position. Unless and until you do that, your son will continue to push, push, push the envelope and...win.

In the end, everyone is the loser in this game. Guess what I'm trying to say is "tough love" is something that's due.

It will be uncomfortable and hard, but well worth the effort. Been there, done that.
Well said! Katie As long as he can get it he will try to get it. Once he figures out he is not getting help he will get that wake up call.
Texas Girl you need to stay strong because if you keep up helping him maybe you all could end up in dire straits. If you take care of you and DH at least you still have a home and food for the kid to come home to.
Maybe you should print these posts and let him read them. This country is in a big heap of trouble and many families need to band together to survive and still be able to live a decent life.
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Old 02-24-2008, 10:31 PM   #1897
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Tough love is, well, tough. Like everyone else said, stick to your guns and keep praying. I will pray for your piece and for him to come to his senses.
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Old 02-25-2008, 04:18 AM   #1898
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Stacy, he has probably just gone to a mate's place and will sleep there tonight or in his car in their driveway (depending how cold it gets). That's what usually happens here. I never understood the free board thing. Most of my friends when we were your son's age didn't pay board. I always did as did my brother. Once I got a serious job, I started paying my mum just under the going rate for rent as board, cos like you, she wasn't well off. I figured the benefits of living at home and paying A$100 week (back at the start of the 90's) were far greater than moving out. In-between jobs, I didn't have to pay anything but it made mum's life a bit easier when I was able to (I worked temp jobs and contract work) and I had all the cushiness of home. But it did teach me more responsibility with my money.

When he gets home, maybe you need to sit down with him away from your husband and just have a non-confrontational chat with him and really explain to him about your financial situation and that he needs to be able to look after himself, even if he isn't able to help you financially. Sometimes, while you say your kids know the situation, they don't always really understand the situation. They're just words. Show him your bills and your bank account. Really level with him like another adult. Be open and honest and see how he reacts. Just don't let the conversation become more than that. Ask him what he feels he could do to help. Make him part of it and try not to be a parent to him at this point.

Just suggestions. Money stresses everyone out. (Well maybe not Gates or Rockefeller etc!!) I worked out on the weekend that 43% of my net income goes on my mortgage repayments. I was much happier not knowing!!!! LOL
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Old 02-25-2008, 07:03 AM   #1899
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Stacy I'm sorry to hear you are having yet another tough time! I will pray for you and send you some strength. 20 somethings are stubborn (yes I am admitting I was, don't tell my mother), and I'm sure as it may be difficult now, in 10 years he will kiss the ground you walk on. Ok maybe not, but he will end up thinking the world of you for being a tough teacher.
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Old 02-25-2008, 07:07 AM   #1900
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Stacy, are you better with him or are you better without him with the present state of affairs? It's a question to ask yourself. It's obvious that you are better off without him if he is working, freeloading, and not helping out AND disrespecting you and your husband (I'm surprised that your DH hasn't had a "showdown" with him before now especially in light of the fact that you are now in serious financial constraints yourselves. How else is he going to appreciate the value of money and learn some fiscal responsibility as well as becoming a responsible adult if he doesn't pay his own way? Yes, it's called tough love as everyone has said because you are going to have to sit down and tell him that this is what you expect of him or he can find another place to live. Simple. And then stick to it...............that's where it's tough, Mom. No sliding back to the old ways, giving in and feeling sorry for him. Sure he's going to run off and pout and make you worry about him. That's his hook........so what? He's got a car, and clothes, and he's employed. Let him manage on his own for awhile in the real world. Friends may put up with him for awhile but unless he straightens up and contributes they'll boot him out, too. It's sad that you and your hubby are giving up medical care because you can't afford it and he's not helping out. If he was paying rent then you could afford it. I bet if you took a survey on DC you'd find that many of us did without while getting started early in life because we couldn't afford it. None of this put it on a credit card and pay for it later. No landlord in their right mind would expect someone to go without paying their rent for very long. If you couldn't afford it you did without. My first year of married life at age 20 consisted of eating deer meat (in all shapes and forms) because macho man hubby killed a deer and the meat was basically free. To this day, venison turns my stomach. Your son will survive tough love, too, and who knows he may come back and help out. If not then you're better off without his freeloading and irresponsibility and hopefully he will learn it somewhere else. Stand tough and hang in there...........I know because we've had to be tough ourselves on our firstborn son. It's not easy.......But you and hubby stick together as a team and you'll be doing your son the biggest favor of his life
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