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Old 06-11-2005, 08:13 AM   #1
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Male versus Female War

Okay since I don't know what to do on a rainy day, I thought why not do what most women like to do? TIME TO HAVE A MALE/FEMALE WAR!!!! Okay I get to start.



What did god say after creating man?
I can do better.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

Q: HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER?
A: We don't know... it's never happened!!

A blonde guy was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, he said to himself "oh well!" and turned around and drove home!

Q: It seems that this perfect man met this perfect woman and they got married. One day on December 24 they were driving down the road and they noticed a man stranded on the side of the road. This was no ordinary man, but it was Santa Claus. Being the perfect people that they were they offered Santa a ride because he was in a hurry to get his toys delivered. So the perfect man and perfect woman sped up to deliver Santa to his destination on time. Alas, the roads were slippery and the car got into an accident and 2 of the 3 people were killed. Can you guess who survived?
A: Since Santa Claus and a Perfect Man are both myths...the perfect woman had to survive.

NEXT?

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Old 06-11-2005, 09:02 AM   #2
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I have some , somewhere, {searching...searching} I'll find them!!
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Old 06-11-2005, 09:15 AM   #3
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Icy, I can't post mine. they aren't xrated or anything, but, they are probably r rated with mitch and hamburger, at least, I better not do it, sorry. I can give you this one though.. I have some woman bashing jokes that I think are hilarious that will make the men look bad too, but, I don't think some of the woman would like it much


Q:What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
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Old 06-11-2005, 09:25 AM   #4
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Guys, these are just for fun!! Don't take offense to them. Come on, I know ya'll have some too. My sisters and I do this all the time with dh and the bil's. It gets really funny.
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Old 06-11-2005, 09:33 AM   #5
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Yep yep is just for fun. I know how many women bashing jokes there are out there. Just keep them kid friendly. :) Never know when a little one will be reading over mama's or papa's shoulder.
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Old 06-11-2005, 12:43 PM   #6
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Q: It seems that this perfect man met this perfect woman and they got married. One day on December 24 they were driving down the road and they noticed a man stranded on the side of the road. This was no ordinary man, but it was Santa Claus. Being the perfect people that they were they offered Santa a ride because he was in a hurry to get his toys delivered. So the perfect man and perfect woman sped up to deliver Santa to his destination on time. Alas, the roads were slippery and the car got into an accident and 2 of the 3 people were killed. Can you guess who survived?
A: Since Santa Claus and a Perfect Man are both myths...the perfect woman had to survive.


omg too funny !!
thanks for the laugh icy
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Old 06-11-2005, 11:06 PM   #7
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Ok, I have several of these, but most are repeatable here. Here's this offering. If it's not decent, please feel free to remove it.

Women

I've been married 43 years & many ask my secret. I have decided to share this with those who are interested.

1. It is important to find a woman who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans, and who has a job.

2. It is important to find a woman who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a woman who is dependable and doesn't lie.

4. It is important to find a woman who's good in bed and who loves to have *** with you.

5. It is important that these four women never meet.
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Old 06-12-2005, 02:38 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AllenMI
Ok, I have several of these, but most are repeatable here. Here's this offering. If it's not decent, please feel free to remove it.

Women

I've been married 43 years & many ask my secret. I have decided to share this with those who are interested.

1. It is important to find a woman who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans, and who has a job.

2. It is important to find a woman who makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a woman who is dependable and doesn't lie.

4. It is important to find a woman who's good in bed and who loves to have *** with you.

5. It is important that these four women never meet.

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Old 06-12-2005, 03:27 AM   #9
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LOL Naughty Allen :)
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Old 06-12-2005, 07:06 AM   #10
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Why Beer is Better than Women

You can enjoy a beer all month long
Beer stains wash out
You don't have to wine and dine a beer
Your beer will always wait patiently for you in the car while you play football
When your beer goes flat, you toss it out
Beer never changes its mind
A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer
Beer is never late
Hangovers go away
Beer labels come off without a fight
Beer never has a headache
When you go to a bar, you know you can always pick up a beer
After you've had a beer, the bottle is still worth 10 cents
A beer won't get upset if you come home and have another beer
If you pour a beer right, you always get good head
You can have more than one beer a night and not feel guilty
A beer always goes down easy
You can share a beer with your friends
You always know when you are the first one to pop a beer
Beer is always wet
Beer doesn't demand quality
You can have a beer in public
A beer doesn't care when you come
A frigid beer is a good beer
You don't have to wash a beer before it tastes good
If you change beers, you don't have to pay alimony
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Old 06-12-2005, 08:10 AM   #11
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Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."
Why do men get married?
So they don't have to hold their stomachs in anymore.

Why did Moses wander the desert for 40 years?
He wouldn't ask for directions

How many men does it take to wallpaper a bathroom?
Three, if you slice them very thinly.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
Close the door

What are a woman's four favorite animals?
A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an (don't want this to be sensored so will change from 3 letter word to another word that means same thing...almost) donkey to pay for it all.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
Put the remote control between his toes

Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
So men can remember them.

What did God say after creating man?
I must be able to do better than that.

What did God say after she made Eve?
"Practice makes perfect."

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

Why do men buy electric lawn mowers?
So they can find their way back to the house

Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower?
A widower.
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Old 06-12-2005, 08:41 AM   #12
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See there, I knew that there were some out there.
Thanks Alan, those are great
I've got some that I will put in here, but, their about woman, but show chauvenism {sp} about men.
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Old 06-12-2005, 09:25 AM   #13
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These are bashing woman, but I thought they were hilarious and shows how chauvenistic some guys are, and believe me, I know a few of them that are really like this, I just want to knock them out


Q. How many men does it take to open a beer?
A. None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
A. When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . ."

Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?
A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Q. Why do men fart more than women?
A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. {I like this one}

Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
A. The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Q. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A. A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always. {Come on ladies, tell me you don't agree with this one, I do!! }

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's s** drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus. Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me, "What's on the TV?" And I said, "Mostly, dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
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Old 06-12-2005, 10:16 AM   #14
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Nooooooo Texasgirl that is all wrong. Tsk tsk that is NOT male bashing. Has some guy bribed you with brownies or a chocolate cheesecake?
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Old 06-12-2005, 10:52 AM   #15
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I told you

I just think they're funny. This is how men really used to think.
They are funny because I don't know any women person ally that would do any of this without using a pan or baseball bat
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Old 06-12-2005, 11:10 AM   #16
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Surrrrrre and I bet that isn't icing that I see on your chin, is it?
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Old 06-12-2005, 11:13 AM   #17
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You see, I was...um...making a cake for my son... and .....um....got an itch on the corner of my lip...and...ummmm..yea..I swear, I didn't taste anything
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Old 06-12-2005, 03:21 PM   #18
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What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
They're married.

Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
A. The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

love these lmao
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Old 06-12-2005, 03:36 PM   #19
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edited for quote.
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Old 06-12-2005, 03:58 PM   #20
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Quote:
Originally Posted by IcyMist
Okay since I don't know what to do on a rainy day, I thought why not do what most women like to do? TIME TO HAVE A MALE/FEMALE WAR!!!! Okay I get to start.



What did god say after creating man?
I can do better.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
1. No mind. 2. No business.

What do you call an intelligent man in America?
A tourist.

Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they already have boyfriends.

Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got nothing to put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?

How many men does it take to pop popcorn?
Three. One to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

Q: HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A ROLL OF TOILET PAPER?
A: We don't know... it's never happened!!

A blonde guy was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, he said to himself "oh well!" and turned around and drove home!

Q: It seems that this perfect man met this perfect woman and they got married. One day on December 24 they were driving down the road and they noticed a man stranded on the side of the road. This was no ordinary man, but it was Santa Claus. Being the perfect people that they were they offered Santa a ride because he was in a hurry to get his toys delivered. So the perfect man and perfect woman sped up to deliver Santa to his destination on time. Alas, the roads were slippery and the car got into an accident and 2 of the 3 people were killed. Can you guess who survived?
A: Since Santa Claus and a Perfect Man are both myths...the perfect woman had to survive.

NEXT?
Make Love not War...rain or shine.
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