Today's Funny

[Snip 13]

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.





He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.



As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?' 'Yes,' was his incredulous reply. She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it!"

[Kylie1969]

I have heard that one before...always makes me laugh

[MrsLMB]

For those of us who have a tiny bit of stress daily .. I found that this really helps and I wanted to share it with you.

DIET FOR STRESS

This diet is designed to help you cope with thestress that builds up during the day.

Breakfast:

1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:

4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
1 cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:

The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:

2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom, and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Evening Snack:

Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

Additional Rules for this Diet:

1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do
not eat more than they do.

3. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate,
brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

4. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

5. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you
are in the process of preparing something.

6. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due
to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

7. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories
since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and
will cling to his/her plate.

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.

[Snip 13]

Good one!

[MrsLMB]

[Kylie1969]

Love them all

[Dawgluver]

Hola!

Attachment 17709

[PrincessFiona60]

ROFL!!!!


And with that I am off to bed! I'll probably dream about cats and piñatas...

[Kylie1969]

Originally Posted by Dawgluver

Hola!

Attachment 17709

[taxlady]

For all the teachers here:

[chopper]

Originally Posted by taxlady

For all the teachers here:

so true!

[Dawgluver]

Originally Posted by chopper

so true!

Yes it is!

[Kylie1969]

Love it

[MrsLMB]

[Kylie1969]

[Dawgluver]

Just for the halibut:


Attachment 17722

[GotGarlic]

Originally Posted by MrsLMB

Turn up your volume

Epic Old Man - Picking Up Young Ladies - YouTube

I about choked on that! Hilarious!

[Kylie1969]

Originally Posted by Dawgluver

Just for the halibut:


Attachment 17722

I love this one

[taxlady]

[Snip 13]

Originally Posted by taxlady

Must be why my DH knew my eye colour