Today's Funny

[Andy M.]

Originally Posted by purple.alien.giraffe

I have a rule that I don't except kisses on the face from anything that licks itself clean.

That's not a bad rule.

[MrsLMB]

[Zereh]

I've had days like this:

[Kylie1969]

Originally Posted by MrsLMB

[Kylie1969]

An old man walks into a bar, sits down, and starts crying.
The bartender asks, “What’s wrong?” The old man looks at the bartender through
Teary eyes and between sobs says, “I married a beautiful woman two days ago. She’s a natural blonde, twenty-five, intelligent, a marvelous cook, a meticulous housekeeper,
Extremely sensitive to my wants and needs, very giving and my best friend
The bartender stares at the old man for a brief moment and says, “But that sounds great! You have what every man wants in a woman, so why are crying?”
The old man looks at the bartender and says, “I can’t remember where I live!”

[Kylie1969]

An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car had been broken in to.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

[PrincessFiona60]

Italian Hedgehog?

[Dawgluver]

Originally Posted by PrincessFiona60

Italian Hedgehog?

Awww, I want one! Beagle would love her own personal hedgehog too. Or she would eat it.

[Kylie1969]

The Difference If You Marry An Aussie Girl

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.

The first man married a Greek girl. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai girl. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Australia. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. The first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything either but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. His arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he urinates.

[chopper]

Kylie, that last one was so funny, I think I spit my iced tea five feet!

[Kylie1969]

Glad you liked it Chops

[Kylie1969]

Pet Parrot

A man buys a pet parrot and brings him home. But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at him and says, "I apologize for offending you, and I humbly ask your forgiveness."
The man says, "Well, thank you. I forgive you."
The parrot then says, "If you don't mind my asking, what did the chicken do?"

[MrsLMB]

[PrincessFiona60]

Originally Posted by MrsLMB

ROFL!!!!!!

[MrsLMB]

[Dawgluver]

^^^

Another Takei earworm, please feel free to sing along:


Attachment 18137

[Zhizara]

[MrsLMB]

[chopper]

Originally Posted by MrsLMB

[Kylie1969]