Dawgluver
Chef Extraordinaire
- Joined
- Apr 12, 2011
- Messages
- 25,033
Looks just like DH, who's done that a few times!
Today's Funny
- Thread starter PrincessFiona60
- Start date
The friendliest place on the web for anyone that enjoys cooking.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
If you have answers, please help by responding to the unanswered posts.
Looks just like DH, who's done that a few times!
OP
OP
He needs to run faster!!!
OP
OP
No kidding!
Somebunny
Executive Chef
Last edited by a moderator:
Rocket_J_Dawg
Sous Chef
"Proceed with butt wiggle"
GotGarlic
Chef Extraordinaire
Hey caveman! Oops, sorry, I meant cave76!
Rules for Men (as written by Women)
Call.
Don't lie.
Never tape any of her body parts together.
If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
Don't expect her to clean up after YOUR buddies have been over.
The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is tacky.
Unless she likes that sort of thing.
If you ARE going to get her lingerie, get her the kind of things SHE likes to wear - NOT what YOU'D like to see her in.
And for god's sake, get her size right. It's not THAT hard.
A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
If you don't want another mother, don't act like a child.
None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
Don't buy the $9.99/dozen roses on the way home -- They tell her you are not only unimaginative, you're cheap.
Her cooking is excellent.
That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
You are a capable adult. Don't feign incompetence around the house in some feeble attempt to get her to "do it for you".
Notice when the floor crunches beneath your feet. You too can learn to use a broom (or vacuum).
Dish soap is your friend.
Learn to clean in and around a toilet. Especially since YOU are the one who "misses" it.
Hat does not equal shower, after shave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
Five O'Clock stubble has all the erotic qualities of sandpaper.
Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
You too, can learn to iron your shirts.
Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
Two words: clean socks.
Two MORE words: clean underwear.
Believe it or not, you're probably NOT more attractive when you're drunk.
Burping is not sexy.
Farting ceases to be funny after the 7th grade.
Making excuses for being an ass is bad. Learning how to admit you were wrong and apologize is good.
Supportive is good. Patronizing is bad.
She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
Ditto for your discourse on football.
Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
She might show more interest in YOUR hobbies if you genuinely show some interest in HERS.
"Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
"But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
Basic courtesy and respect for feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
Always, always suck up to her brother.
The underwear your mother buys you is NOT sexy.
Think boxers.
Silk boxers.
Unless you have a GQ body. Then think French Cut. Silk French Cut.
Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
Don't expect HER to remember your mother's birthday or buy the gift.
Don't try to change the way she dresses.
Learn to dress yourself. Men's clothing comes in more colors than blue, black and grey, and more styles than t-shirts and jeans.
Her haircut is never bad.
Don't let your friends pick on her.
Don't ask her to fix your friends up with HER friends.
Call.
Don't lie.
The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.
Rules for Men (as written by Women)
Call.
Don't lie.
Never tape any of her body parts together.
If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
Don't expect her to clean up after YOUR buddies have been over.
The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is tacky.
Unless she likes that sort of thing.
If you ARE going to get her lingerie, get her the kind of things SHE likes to wear - NOT what YOU'D like to see her in.
And for god's sake, get her size right. It's not THAT hard.
A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
If you don't want another mother, don't act like a child.
None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
Don't buy the $9.99/dozen roses on the way home -- They tell her you are not only unimaginative, you're cheap.
Her cooking is excellent.
That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
You are a capable adult. Don't feign incompetence around the house in some feeble attempt to get her to "do it for you".
Notice when the floor crunches beneath your feet. You too can learn to use a broom (or vacuum).
Dish soap is your friend.
Learn to clean in and around a toilet. Especially since YOU are the one who "misses" it.
Hat does not equal shower, after shave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
Five O'Clock stubble has all the erotic qualities of sandpaper.
Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
You too, can learn to iron your shirts.
Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
Two words: clean socks.
Two MORE words: clean underwear.
Believe it or not, you're probably NOT more attractive when you're drunk.
Burping is not sexy.
Farting ceases to be funny after the 7th grade.
Making excuses for being an ass is bad. Learning how to admit you were wrong and apologize is good.
Supportive is good. Patronizing is bad.
She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
Ditto for your discourse on football.
Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
She might show more interest in YOUR hobbies if you genuinely show some interest in HERS.
"Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
"But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush. You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
Basic courtesy and respect for feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
Always, always suck up to her brother.
The underwear your mother buys you is NOT sexy.
Think boxers.
Silk boxers.
Unless you have a GQ body. Then think French Cut. Silk French Cut.
Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
Don't expect HER to remember your mother's birthday or buy the gift.
Don't try to change the way she dresses.
Learn to dress yourself. Men's clothing comes in more colors than blue, black and grey, and more styles than t-shirts and jeans.
Her haircut is never bad.
Don't let your friends pick on her.
Don't ask her to fix your friends up with HER friends.
Call.
Don't lie.
The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.
Last edited:
Andy M.
Certified Pretend Chef
Makes all women sound needy and bossy and all men like jerks. Neither is true.
GotGarlic
Chef Extraordinaire
Heh. What in this thread is true?
GotGarlic ----
Yeah, pretty good!
I resurrected an old post (another forum far, far away) that I'd written in reply to the friend that posted Men's Rules. BTW---- I'm female, so I totally agree with your version.
[KDN means Knuckle Dragging Neanderthal]
KDN suggested ****It's time for you to write up Women's Rules, if there are any.***
Yes, dear KDN, there are plenty of Women's rules.
It's just that they constantly shift and change, appear and disappear, like
Brigadoon, depending on just which man or KDN is involved.
The good thing about that--- is we never have to adhere to the same ole, same ole Rules, like KDN's do because they (KDNs) are limited in scope and ability.
Let the Games Begin
Dear KDN, Esq.
In keeping with the Global War Between the Sexes these "Rules" shall henceforth be designated as "Women's Edicts"; thereby establishing our might and superiority at the onset.
This is a Zero-Sum event
Live with it!
Edict # 1
This Edict and all future Edicts can be edited or amended or dismissed at any
time depending on the time of month, a bad hair day or just for the joy, glee
and bliss of it.
Live with it!
Edict # 2
Do not try to discern a reason for any of these Edicts. They are here for a
reason, but can change willy-nilly at a Woman's discretion.
Edict # 3
Do not look for Victory. That is unattainable for Men OR KDNs
If Men THINK they have attained Victory, it is a figment of their imagination.
Testosterone has been proven, in many double-blinded studies, to be responsible for Mens false perception of their superiority.
Something to do with the amygdala, I think, or some organ.
Edict # 4
Women may, in their all-knowing way, seem to defer to Men. That is part of the battle plan, rather like a flanking maneuver and guarantees that Men will not score "anything".
Edict # 5
Tomorrow Edict # 5 may become Edict # 3.
Live with it!
Now that the basic, but still unfinished, ground rules are uttered, I shall go
on to publish some more specific Edicts.
Edict # 6
“NO” is NOT a word, when uttered alone. Many years of observing KDNs have shown that they use the word “no” didactically, hoping to preclude any intelligent and bilateral discussion about a subject.
Interestingly, it is most often used when they are wrong about a subject.
Perhaps a polarity between their brain and another organ?
Edict # 7
KDNs shall never EVER come up behind a Woman who is standing at the stove, putting the final touches on a Sauce Bearnaise for a dinner party, hair
perfectly in place, dressed to the nines and start “foolin’ around”.
If the KDN shall do that---he is not to be dismayed by a 6 inch stiletto heel
jammed down on his toes.
If he should have to go to the ER, then he shall ask a friend down at the local
pool hall to drive him, NOT the Woman.
Edict # 7
“YES” is also NOT a word, when uttered alone.
Men mistakenly believe that by seeming to agree with Women that said agreement will be forgotten in a day or so.
They’re basing that notion on faulty evidence; e.g. how short their attention
span is, e.g. VERY short.
Men might do better by using more words after the word Yes.
1. Yes, you’re right dear. How silly of me to not realize that.
2. Yes, I’m glad you brought that up. I’ll try to remember it.
3. Yes, I promise to always pick up after myself.
4. Yes, you may remind me if I forget that I agreed.
…..thereby reinforcing in their minds that they DID utter “Yes”.
Edict # 65
This Edict is issued at this point in order for Men to have sufficient time to
study it since it’s an advanced topic. There will be a test later.
Acknowledging that Men have a problem with communication, this Edict will start with teaching Communication via Email and progress to Communication in Vivo.
First---Emails
1. Communication is not to be considered the same as a soliloquy or monologue.
That applies to Email communication as well as In Vivo.
2. In the Cyber-World if a question is posed in Email #1 then it’s expected that the Reply Email will answer or at least acknowledge the question and
“communicate” (hence the name of this course).
In the interest of KISS those two sub-sections will suffice for now.
In the Remedial Class (for KDNs) more time will be allowed. Even though
Communication via Email involves just two numbers (Zero and One) this concept seems to prove difficult for KDNs.
Yeah, pretty good!
I resurrected an old post (another forum far, far away) that I'd written in reply to the friend that posted Men's Rules. BTW---- I'm female, so I totally agree with your version.
[KDN means Knuckle Dragging Neanderthal]
KDN suggested ****It's time for you to write up Women's Rules, if there are any.***
Yes, dear KDN, there are plenty of Women's rules.
It's just that they constantly shift and change, appear and disappear, like
Brigadoon, depending on just which man or KDN is involved.
The good thing about that--- is we never have to adhere to the same ole, same ole Rules, like KDN's do because they (KDNs) are limited in scope and ability.
Let the Games Begin
Dear KDN, Esq.
In keeping with the Global War Between the Sexes these "Rules" shall henceforth be designated as "Women's Edicts"; thereby establishing our might and superiority at the onset.
This is a Zero-Sum event
Live with it!
Edict # 1
This Edict and all future Edicts can be edited or amended or dismissed at any
time depending on the time of month, a bad hair day or just for the joy, glee
and bliss of it.
Live with it!
Edict # 2
Do not try to discern a reason for any of these Edicts. They are here for a
reason, but can change willy-nilly at a Woman's discretion.
Edict # 3
Do not look for Victory. That is unattainable for Men OR KDNs
If Men THINK they have attained Victory, it is a figment of their imagination.
Testosterone has been proven, in many double-blinded studies, to be responsible for Mens false perception of their superiority.
Something to do with the amygdala, I think, or some organ.
Edict # 4
Women may, in their all-knowing way, seem to defer to Men. That is part of the battle plan, rather like a flanking maneuver and guarantees that Men will not score "anything".
Edict # 5
Tomorrow Edict # 5 may become Edict # 3.
Live with it!
Now that the basic, but still unfinished, ground rules are uttered, I shall go
on to publish some more specific Edicts.
Edict # 6
“NO” is NOT a word, when uttered alone. Many years of observing KDNs have shown that they use the word “no” didactically, hoping to preclude any intelligent and bilateral discussion about a subject.
Interestingly, it is most often used when they are wrong about a subject.
Perhaps a polarity between their brain and another organ?
Edict # 7
KDNs shall never EVER come up behind a Woman who is standing at the stove, putting the final touches on a Sauce Bearnaise for a dinner party, hair
perfectly in place, dressed to the nines and start “foolin’ around”.
If the KDN shall do that---he is not to be dismayed by a 6 inch stiletto heel
jammed down on his toes.
If he should have to go to the ER, then he shall ask a friend down at the local
pool hall to drive him, NOT the Woman.
Edict # 7
“YES” is also NOT a word, when uttered alone.
Men mistakenly believe that by seeming to agree with Women that said agreement will be forgotten in a day or so.
They’re basing that notion on faulty evidence; e.g. how short their attention
span is, e.g. VERY short.
Men might do better by using more words after the word Yes.
1. Yes, you’re right dear. How silly of me to not realize that.
2. Yes, I’m glad you brought that up. I’ll try to remember it.
3. Yes, I promise to always pick up after myself.
4. Yes, you may remind me if I forget that I agreed.
…..thereby reinforcing in their minds that they DID utter “Yes”.
Edict # 65
This Edict is issued at this point in order for Men to have sufficient time to
study it since it’s an advanced topic. There will be a test later.
Acknowledging that Men have a problem with communication, this Edict will start with teaching Communication via Email and progress to Communication in Vivo.
First---Emails
1. Communication is not to be considered the same as a soliloquy or monologue.
That applies to Email communication as well as In Vivo.
2. In the Cyber-World if a question is posed in Email #1 then it’s expected that the Reply Email will answer or at least acknowledge the question and
“communicate” (hence the name of this course).
In the interest of KISS those two sub-sections will suffice for now.
In the Remedial Class (for KDNs) more time will be allowed. Even though
Communication via Email involves just two numbers (Zero and One) this concept seems to prove difficult for KDNs.
Rocket_J_Dawg
Sous Chef
Somebunny
Executive Chef
Last edited by a moderator:
Zereh
Head Chef
I hope that people won't think that my post (Women's Rules, yesterday) was directed at anyone here.
It was just a joke and it was one that I'd written to a close friend with whom I enjoyed a joking and exchange of friendly ''insults'.
Maybe this explanation wasn't needed---- but that''s all it was.
It was just a joke and it was one that I'd written to a close friend with whom I enjoyed a joking and exchange of friendly ''insults'.
Maybe this explanation wasn't needed---- but that''s all it was.
OP
OP
LOL! Family of six, here.
Family of three here, but then Stirling is twice as big as me.
