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Old 05-06-2017, 09:30 AM   #7701
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dawgluver View Post
We boarded the plane. Directly in front of me, three very large men who didn't know each other were all squished into one row. I offered to give them my shoehorn. Think of three pieces of pizza, point side down.

Thankfully, the flight wasn't totally full, so the slice in the middle got to move. The rather large lady in my row (we had a seat between us!) told them she'd move into their middle seat. Cracked me up!
Me too! I believe I am safe in saying that her offer was turned down!
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Old 05-06-2017, 09:41 AM   #7702
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You may well be right.
You know TL, at the Christmas party, I took him downstairs to the Community Room for the Christmas Party. He ran right to MaryAnn. He sees her maybe once or twice a year. Yet he knew who she was. The lady that is just going in and out of her apartment. There are three other tenants that go in and out, and he didn't run to them. I think he is barking because he wants her to come in and say Hello. So tonight when she comes home and he starts to bark, I will let him go out to the hall and say Hello to her.

He never barks when Spike, Pirate or myself are coming in. Sometimes Spike leaves him here for the day when he has to work. Otherwise he would have to stay home alone. He is used to it, but he loves coming here, so why not drop him off every now and then. Pirate takes him out for a 'walk' a couple of times so he can do his thing. I would do it, but I can't walk that much outside.
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Old 05-06-2017, 01:28 PM   #7703
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I just heard this joke from a nurse: What's the difference between an oral, and rectal Thermometer?

Answer: the taste.
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Old 05-06-2017, 07:35 PM   #7704
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A nurse walks up to the cashier, starts to write a check, she reaches behind her ear and pulls out a thermometer, she says, "Some a-hole has my pen!"
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Old 05-06-2017, 07:43 PM   #7705
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Bahahaha!
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Old 05-07-2017, 12:14 AM   #7706
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Ain't that the truth, K-Girl! My first car was a standard. Himself and I always had at least one stick-shift in the garage until right before our kids turned 16. Ended up trading his standard car for when we got our van. The kids were mad, since it looked like they would never get to drive one. Loverly got a job shortly after working in the emissions control station and had to learn. When Goober ended up with a job there too, she got to teach her brother how to drive one!
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Old 05-07-2017, 02:38 AM   #7707
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The only car Pirate will buy is a standard.
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Old 05-07-2017, 06:29 AM   #7708
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I worked for a rental car place at one time, at the airport one of the frequent incidents that would happen and the employees would be wincing all the while watching them drive off... would be some Europeans trying to shift gears in an automatic, sometimes hitting the brake in between shifts.

I only saw it happen once myself but I have to say it was pretty funny. It was only because they had told me about it that I cottoned on to why that car was jack rabbiting down the ramp.
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Old 05-07-2017, 07:14 AM   #7709
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The only car Pirate will buy is a standard.
He's the one with severe neuropathy in his feet and legs, right? It seems like a manual transmission would be much more difficult, and painful, for him to operate, with all the extra brake manipulation required.

Many years ago, after I got a new job where I had to go through heavy stop-and-go tunnel traffic to get to work, I was thrilled to get a new car with an automated transmission. And that was long before I developed neuropathy.
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Old 05-07-2017, 07:22 AM   #7710
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He's the one with severe neuropathy in his feet and legs, right? It seems like a manual transmission would be much more difficult, and painful, for him to operate, with all the extra brake manipulation required.

Many years ago, after I got a new job where I had to go through heavy stop-and-go tunnel traffic to get to work, I was thrilled to get a new car with an automated transmission. And that was long before I developed neuropathy.
Yeah. But he knows and has accepted that he no longer can drive. He gave up driving last year. He can't feel the pedals any more. And when he least expects it, his legs and/or feet will cramp up on him and if he is walking, he falls. Fortunately, like me, his health plan provides all his transportation needs.
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Old 05-07-2017, 05:53 PM   #7711
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Old 05-07-2017, 06:02 PM   #7712
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LOL - Kgirl! Good one.

What I text people and say "MAY I CALL?"

is that better?

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Old 05-07-2017, 07:34 PM   #7713
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LOL - Kgirl! Good one.

What I text people and say "MAY I CALL?"

is that better?



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Old 05-09-2017, 04:13 PM   #7714
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Old 05-09-2017, 05:15 PM   #7715
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That is soo cute!
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Old 05-17-2017, 08:41 PM   #7716
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True Story.

DW and I were visiting some friends. One of he women had a teenage daughter who happened ot be on a dinner date and who was expected home soon. Sure enough, she arrived on time with her boyfreind in tow. She enteed the house by way of the kitchen, where we were all sitting and talking. It was at this point that I spouted the funniest sentence of my lifetime. I personally regretted it later, for it embarrassed both the young man, and the young woman terribly, and I felt very bad. Here's how it went.

Young couple walk into the door.

Chief: "I now what you two have been doing."

Friend's Daughter, in a challenging but playful tone: "And what would that be?"

Chief: "You two have been out masticting."

Both friends instantly howled with laughter, for they had enough medical knowledge to know that what I said was accurate, if misleading to a pair of teenagers who had never heard the word masticating.

That poor girl turned so red that her skin was almost crimson, as was her embarrassed date. Later, I explained to her that masticating describe the act of chewing food. She was mad at me for a while.

In my defense, I was only 26 years of age, still prone to water balloon fights, water hose fights, scaring campers in the middle of the night (they also had teenage boys and camped back in the woods on our property, with my permission, I made sounds like a bear. The mother had a 22 rifle with her and told me the next day that she had heard a bear in their camp, and that if she hadn't gotten so tangled up in her sleeping bag, she would have shot it. I kept her pickup truck between me and the camp when I was acting out my shenanigans.

The young lady eventually forgave me, and we laughed about the masticate incident as she grew older. But it was so funny when it happened, to everyone but her and her boyfriend.

Anybody else play a joke on someone that was extremely funny, but not for the mark?

Seeeeeeeya; Chief Longwind of the North
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Old 05-17-2017, 09:29 PM   #7717
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ChiefLongWind... that is 'truly' funny.

As much as I can hear a cricket sneaking across the floor boards in the third floor... I don not have an ear for comprehension on certain things. Often I do not understand a certain word my neighbour says with her accent, but as soon as she spells it.. ta da! instant recognition.

The written work masticating I recognize instantly - would I have if I had been there?... LOL - all this to say..

GOOD STORY!
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Old 05-17-2017, 09:48 PM   #7718
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In high school we used to tell kids that their epidermis was showing.
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Old 05-18-2017, 01:29 AM   #7719
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We lived in a very large five bedroom apartment. Right across from the kitchen was a disconnected "silent butler". I kept my paper goods in there. Napkins, toilet paper, paper towels,, etc. along with cleaning supplies.

One day a neighbor was just leaving my home and one of my kids asked me if we had any toilet paper. I told him to see the butler. My neighbor got a strange look on her face.

A couple of days later, her husband knocked on my door and said he needed to talk to me. His tone of voice was not very friendly. It seems his wife was a "keeping up with the Jones's" type of person. She had been driving her husband crazy wanting help like I had. Huh? Why did I have to show off how much money my husband and I had. He was yelling at me as he was talking.

It seems she wanted a live-in housekeeper instead of a butler. I showed him the "butler". He couldn't apologize enough to me for the next six months every time I saw him. I don't know what he said to his wife when he got back into his own home. But she never did get a housekeeper.
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Old 05-18-2017, 04:11 AM   #7720
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Good story Addie. I was sort of expecting you to say that the your paper stuff was gone, because someone had pushed the button for the silent butler.
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