Once, just once! A food fight broke out at a Sgts Mess Dinner...however briefly...
A group of very junior sergeants, seated together, secureda spare bun apiece, and, during a long speech from the august and worldly Regimental Sgt Major, vowed on the count of "3" to stand up, wing their buns at him, and sit down...
On the "3" count, of course, only one fool did it...his very accurate throw bouncing the bun off old RV's head...everyone else was too busy laughing, as the RSM redirected his gaze in that direction, made a quick minute on his ever present pad, and carried on with his speech...
Poor old Dave got thirty days extra duties...
In another one, a combined officers/Sr NCO's dinner the DCO had been chuntering at the OMess Bar Manager, stating that he (the DCO) had ordered in these wines, as the Bar Manager (an ex-Sgt Maj, veteran of WWI!) had "flubbed" the wine selection at the last dinner...
Being very junior at the time myself, I was seated across from the DCO (not the best seat in the house!) and there was a QM Sgt seated beside him...
Two older and experienced (troublemakers!) Warrant Officers sat on either side of me...
The DCO, who has been unfavourably compared with a chicken, forever in the act of laying an egg, was fixated on the head table and the CO...so the troublemakers started kicking the QM Sgt under the table and encouraging him to poursalt in his wine glass...
So of course, the poor sap does it...continuously, course by course through the seven course event...with much trepidation...
(I should point out, it takes a General Officer to send up a WO before a Court Martial, a Sgt gets a summary court off the word of a Major)
Anyways, the DCO, "knows" there's something rotten with his wine...but having made such a scene over it, cannot say anything other than to drink it down...
Dinner finally over, the "kicking resumes" with the encouragement to "put some in his coffee!"...The Sgt is by this time very anxious, as the odds are running thin on him...but he complies...
Only this time, these sons of guns have surreptiously unscrewed the cap from the salt shaker, so this time, the full contents PLUS the silver top fly into the coffee cup...and we are treated to the view of the QM Sgt feverishly trying to "fish" the salt topper out of the scalding coffee, without the DCO seeing this...
Maybe you had to be there, but I believe it was then, that I truly learned what it meant to "keep a straight face"...and view my fellow man with innate suspicion and distrust...
Lifter