Andy M.
Certified Pretend Chef
I was thinking…
Before the crowbar was invented, did crows have to drink at home?
When my friend David had his ID stolen, did he become just Dav?
If a few puns make me numb, do math puns make me number?
Do Norwegian ships have bar codes so you can scan day navy in?
If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
If I tried calling the tinnitus helpline, would it just keep ringing?
When there was a break-in at the Apple store, were there any i-witnesses?
Just because you are offended, it doesn’t mean you’re right.
If there was a Star Wars 12, would it be called Luke Needs a Walker?
I once shot a man with a paintball just to watch him dye.
Is my fear of over-engineered buildings a complex complex complex?
Do you call a hippies wife Mississippi?
Do you think memory foam mattresses wish they could forget?
A joke doesn’t become a dad joke until it’s full groan.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called "after dark" when it is really "after light"?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why do you press harder on the remote buttons when you know the batteries are dead?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they call it a T V set when you only have one?
Christmas … What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Did the little mermaid wear seashells because A and B shells were too small?
Do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?
Never trust a train…they have loco motives.
I got my wife a new fridge and she must be happy because her face lit up when she opened it.
When I looked up opaque in the dictionary, the definition wasn’t very clear.
Spiders and snakes are a vital part of the eek-osystem.
I have a chicken proof lawn…it’s impeccable.
Will the first restaurant on the moon fail because of no atmosphere?
Do you think the little mermaid wears an algebra to math class?
My new stair lift is driving me up the wall.
Insect puns really bug me.
Do ducks have feathers to cover their butt quacks?
Not all math puns are bad, just sum of them.
When my wife got a job at the zoo, I knew she was a keeper.
If you wear glasses to math class, does it improve your division.
If ironmen eat steel, do they sheet metal?
Is Iceland only one sea away from Ireland?
Texting and driving is not wreck-ommended.
If a bottle of poison reaches its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
Have you noticed that he word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".
Over 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
It's not my age that bothers me - it's the side effects.
As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy. The truth is I'm just being more energy-efficient.
The reason I haven't gotten anything done today, I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
The reason I'm on two simultaneous diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
Sometimes my mind is like an internet browser. At least 18 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
It's hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
My wife says I keep pushing her buttons. If that’s true, Why haven’t I found mute by now.
Before the crowbar was invented, did crows have to drink at home?
When my friend David had his ID stolen, did he become just Dav?
If a few puns make me numb, do math puns make me number?
Do Norwegian ships have bar codes so you can scan day navy in?
If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?
If I tried calling the tinnitus helpline, would it just keep ringing?
When there was a break-in at the Apple store, were there any i-witnesses?
Just because you are offended, it doesn’t mean you’re right.
If there was a Star Wars 12, would it be called Luke Needs a Walker?
I once shot a man with a paintball just to watch him dye.
Is my fear of over-engineered buildings a complex complex complex?
Do you call a hippies wife Mississippi?
Do you think memory foam mattresses wish they could forget?
A joke doesn’t become a dad joke until it’s full groan.
Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
Why is the third hand on a watch called the second hand?
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
Why is it called "after dark" when it is really "after light"?
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why is bra singular and panties plural?
Why do you press harder on the remote buttons when you know the batteries are dead?
Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why do they call it a T V set when you only have one?
Christmas … What other time of year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
Did the little mermaid wear seashells because A and B shells were too small?
Do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section?
Never trust a train…they have loco motives.
I got my wife a new fridge and she must be happy because her face lit up when she opened it.
When I looked up opaque in the dictionary, the definition wasn’t very clear.
Spiders and snakes are a vital part of the eek-osystem.
I have a chicken proof lawn…it’s impeccable.
Will the first restaurant on the moon fail because of no atmosphere?
Do you think the little mermaid wears an algebra to math class?
My new stair lift is driving me up the wall.
Insect puns really bug me.
Do ducks have feathers to cover their butt quacks?
Not all math puns are bad, just sum of them.
When my wife got a job at the zoo, I knew she was a keeper.
If you wear glasses to math class, does it improve your division.
If ironmen eat steel, do they sheet metal?
Is Iceland only one sea away from Ireland?
Texting and driving is not wreck-ommended.
If a bottle of poison reaches its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
Have you noticed that he word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".
Over 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.
It's not my age that bothers me - it's the side effects.
As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy. The truth is I'm just being more energy-efficient.
The reason I haven't gotten anything done today, I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
The reason I'm on two simultaneous diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
Sometimes my mind is like an internet browser. At least 18 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
It's hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
My wife says I keep pushing her buttons. If that’s true, Why haven’t I found mute by now.
