Pet Rules

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jpmcgrew

Executive Chef
Joined
Aug 31, 2004
Messages
4,569
Location
Raton,NM, USA
PET RULES
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - nose height.

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, and try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years --canine or feline attendance is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it 'fur'niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions


9. Don't want to wear your clothes

10. Don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and...
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
 
BRAVO!!! I am printing now!! I LOVE #2 of for the visitors!! I don't know how many times I hear, oh, dog hair!! DUH!!
 
Oh this is hilarious! I have to forward this to all my friends who own pets. Great day brightener - at least for me it is - I don't own a pet. :LOL: Thanks for posting this.
 
:LOL::LOL::LOL:

Great Thread JPM-I (and every other pet lover on the planet) can relate!!

Thanks for sharing-I am forwarding as fast as I can!!!
 
This is WILD!!!!
I love the "bed" statement, then
the "bath" statement, then the
#3 of "I like my pets...." statement, and in
that order. SOOO FUNNNNYYYYY!!!!!!
Thanks, jpmc.
 
Amen!!! BTW, I posted them on the fridge but the dogs and cat ignored them. LOL
Thanks for the laugh!!
 
I should have posted them outdoors when in Cairo...........marinated a beautiful pork tenderloin, placed the pan on the outdoor patio table next to the grill, forgot the foil, and in the 1 minute it took me to get it, I came back outside, the pan had been pulled all the way across the table to the wall and all that was left was an empty pan and marinade streaks going up and over the wall........I was MAD!!! We had to grab a quick pizza that night........next morning a severely bloated alleycat (that I always chased from the patio as rabies are a serious problem here) was found with an exploded stomach......I guess my cooking is dangerous :):) I fed him scraps outside but not a 3lb marinated tenderloin........
 
I just finished reading this.

1/2 hr. ago, I placed a plate with bread crumbs on it on the floor at the top of the stairs- to be taken down to the kitchen on the next trip. :blush: Our Spoiled Gatto apparently loves fresh Italian bread.

I'll print this out, but somehow doubt that HRH will read it. Entitled kitty!!!

Thank you!!
 
:) Feel free to add to the list, here is mine to the cat"If you insist on sleeping in my bed would you mind and not drag in cat litter and the occasional left over poop on my sheets? As much as I love you I do not feel like I should have to vacumn my bed just to sleep well" :LOL::LOL::LOL:
 
how about if you're going to barf because you've eaten lizards and who knows what though you have perfectly expensive food as well, do it in the toilet and not the softest most comfortable spot in the house:) And if you're mad at us about something, let's sit down and have a talk a chat about what's upsetting you
 
Is there a 911 Kitty Nanny out there???? I forgot to add that when 2 of our cats get mad they poop on the carpets even though they have spotless boxes.......needless to say they've enjoyed being outdoors :)
 
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