Joke of the Day

[Andy M.]

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.

"Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure."
"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks. "No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it ?"
He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it!
Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he toddles into the kitchen.
After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands
his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a
moment.

"Where's my toast ?"

 

[chasinmichigan]

whats the difference between a guitar player and a large pepperoni pizza?
a large pepperoni pizza can feed a family of four

 

[nucleus]

A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.

 

[Renee Attili]

You all laugh at me because I am different. But I'm laughing at you all because you're all the same.
Checkout my hobby. ♂ ♀ ☼ ♥


You are truely gifted. If you lived anywhere near me I would definetly use you in my business

 

[TATTRAT]

A pirate walks into a bar with a giant steering wheel coming out of his pants. The bartender says, you know you have a giant steering wheel coming out of you pants right? The pirate responds, ARRRRGH! Tis been drivin me nuts all day!

 

[Poutine]

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.
Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer.
For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.....
Then the parrot says, "By the way, just what did the chicken do?"

That is my Dad's all time favourite joke and I still love it too.

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.
He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.
At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!" He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys, we're almost there!!"

 

[Jikoni]

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had an open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked if he had health insurance.

He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank.

He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Well, in that case...send the bill to my brother-in-law!"

 

[keltin]

Chili Contest

I love this joke. I always makes me life no matter how many times I've read it. I've cleaned it up a bit to make sure it's PG rated.

-----------------------------------------------------

These notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for
directions to the Coors Light truck when the call came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the
chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the heck is this stuff?!?! You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out
the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get
me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front
part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...

Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish,
or other mild foods; not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear
waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead,
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I passed gas and four people behind me
needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my
lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Stupid rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I thought I was going to pass gas again, but I pooped on
myself instead, and now I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore.

Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as
he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my
shirt.
At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to
stop breathing; it's too painful. To heck with it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild,
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 burped,
passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili?

 

[keltin]

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home. "

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in ten."

-----------------------------

A priest a rabbi and a baptist minister were in a boat in the middle of the lake fishing. The priest said: "I have to go to the bath room." He got out of the boat walked across the water and went to the outhouse on the bank. He then walked back across the water and got back into the boat.

The rabbi said: "I have to go to the bathroom." He got out of the boat walked across the water to the outhouse on the bank. He then walked back across the water and got into the boat.

Soon the baptist minister had to go to the bathroom. He thought to himself if they can walk across the water so can I. He got out of the boat and sank to the bottom of the lake.

The priest turned to the rabbi and said: "Should we have told him about the stepping stones?"

 

[Jeekinz]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, '13...13....13...13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the
planks and looked through to see what was going on.


Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick.


Then they all started shouting. '14...14...14...14....'

 

[buckytom]

ROFLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! jeeks.

 

[suziquzie]

Now I get that one Jeeks!
My step-FIL told me that one last week but I was crabby so I didn't listen well.
I told him I'd call him when I got it.
I guess I can call now!
(and what did keltin do that's had him banned so long?)

 

[Jeekinz]

I posted this one in a different joke thread, good for kids I'd imagine.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other asks, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

 

[Andy M.]

I posted this one in a different joke thread, good for kids I'd imagine.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other asks, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."

Geek joke!

 

[buckytom]

lol andy, that exactly what i thought.

the geekiest joke of all is-

there are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

 

[Andy M.]

...there are 10 kinds of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

Oh, no! I understood that!

 

[*amy*]

An Open Letter To Foie Gras

AN OPEN LETTER TO FOIE GRAS​

Dear Foie Gras,
I don't blame you completely for keeping me from getting that waitress job at the fancy Soho restaurant I applied to, but I blame you enough to demand that you claim some accountability in the matter. How was I to know what you were, Foie Gras? I've never eaten in a fancy restaurant. I don't speak French. How was I to know they gave prospective wait staff competency tests asking them about obscure high-cuisine dishes? If it makes you feel better, I am also writing a letter to oysters regarding another question on that same test, one asking me to name three types of oysters and three adjectives that could describe them.

So I know now that you are not a wheatgrass pasta dish resembling risotto. I never actually thought you were that, but I had to write something down. In fact, I don't really know what risotto is, either, but I have a sneaking suspicion it is some sort of rice and has absolutely nothing to do with pasta at all. I've discovered through inquiry that you are duck liver and that you can be quite tasty when cooked correctly. If I'd been the type of person who actually shops at the designer stores in Soho, I probably would have known that right off the bat.

So here is where I need your help, Foie Gras. You are served in many of these fancy-schmance restaurants. Surely you must know something about them that can help keep me from repeating the incident where I wrote on one of those quizzes that the difference between champagne and sparkling wine is that the latter has "more bubbles." I need a contact in one of these places so I can make $400 a night to do the same (if not less) work I did in that Indian restaurant I used to work at where the owner referred to me as "the girl" and people gave me tips based on what they thought was appropriate in an ethnic restaurant of that sort.

Not to be offensive, but I wish your name were easier to pronounce. As I stated earlier, I can't speak French. It might have saved me a little face in the corresponding interview for the aforementioned waitress job if I had referred to you as "fwa graw" (as you like to call yourself) instead of "foy grass" (which is how I assumed you said it). I don't think it would have erased the wheatgrass screwup, but at least I could have walked out of there with some pride.

I know you are French and thus very sophisticated. I know you laugh at the 37-cent generic boxes of macaroni and cheese I buy for dinner and eat with cut-up bits of hot dog for added flavor. But I'll have you know I do know a little something about "haute cuisine." For example, I have eaten gelato. I have also eaten hors d'oeuvres.

Briefly, I'd like to mention that during my childhood I was acquainted with your kinsmen (kinsducks?), Donald and Daisy, who moved to the north of France to be greeters at an upscale theme park sometime in the mid '80s. How is that working out for them?

I don't really expect you to respond, because I know you are busy making many restaurant entrepreneurs happy in your role as a high-priced entrée (side dish?). But it would be nice to have some tips to help me on my next restaurant quiz. Cross your fingers, 'cause if all goes well, someday I'll be serving up a nice big plate of you to some high-society types who'll be drooling all over themselves to devour you on the spot.
Thanks so much for your time.

Sincerely,

 

[Jeekinz]

 

[Maverick2272]

I remember this one from work:

 

[LadyCook61]

wake up

Don't leave your dentures...