No kids, how come?

[blissful]

Sleep evades me once again, so I've been reading threads that interest me tonight.

Having children is a very, very personal decision...provided that decision is made beyond the back seat of a car or without the aid of an intoxicant.

I had a very dysfunctional childhood. Became the "parent" of my 4 younger siblings when I was 8-years-old. That should've been enough to "cure" me from wanting children of my own, since I never really had a childhood. Strangely, I wanted children from the time I was in elementary school. Buck always said I was a born mother.

My daddy was a doctor and I clearly remember asking him when I was about 13-years-old if there was a test that could be administered that could tell me if I could have children or not. He told me there was one but that it was costly and somewhat painful. Bear in mind this was in the mid-60s.

So...I married for the first time at 19. To a widower with a 4-year-old son. Shortly into the marriage we tried to conceive. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Went to a doc. He told me it would be unlikely I'd ever have children due to a condition with my ovaries. I was heartbroken. Yet, he said, he'd order a series of tests to evaluate the severity of my condition. And, yes, my daddy was correct. The tests were expensive and not the most comfortable thing I'd ever experienced.

It was determined that I was a candidate for one of the earlier fertility drugs. It was either that or have surgery to have a "wedge" cut out of my ovaries to allow my eggs to escape in order to be fertilized. I opted for the drug.

Joy of joys, I became pregnant with my first son. However, it wasn't easy sailing because the pregnancy was, shall I say, challenging. Thankfully, in December 1970 we welcomed our son, who was healthy and sound.

Fast forward several years later. Wanted more children. Each one was gained via fertility drugs. By 1974 I'd had son, daughter, son. Tried for a 4th child. No dice but, by then, my marriage was in the toilet. Husband, as it turned out, had multiple girlfriends, roached our finances, was dealing child porn, and, ultimately, was fired from his secured government job.

Back up one year, in 1973 my daddy died suddenly and I became the legal guardian of my two younger sisters, aged 12 and 13. Now I had 5 children in the house and I was only 24-years-old.

In 1976 I became a single mom. I was a basket case and had been beaten down so much by my husband I was amazed Buck even looked at me twice.

Buck came with baggage, too. Not a pretty first marriage either and two young sons about the same age as my two oldest. Somehow it all meshed.

To use a cliche, we became the Brady Bunch and, again, I had a houseful of children. I loved it. Buck only had one younger brother and he discovered how much fun a goofy, large family could be. But, it's not for everyone.

Thankfully, all 5 of the children are close. Have been together since they were about 2-years-old, so they've grown up together. Celebrated birthdays together, shopped for Christmas presents together, etc. We were blessed because blended families are the things nightmares are made of.

I wish I had a penny for every time Buck said I was meant to be a mother. I'd be rich beyond imagination. I loved it when he said that.

This is my story and I'm sticking to it. I'm blessed that all the children are here for me and even though Buck's sons weren't born under my heart, they are in my heart and always will be.

For those folks who choose not to have children, you make your choice because you feel it's best for you and I respect that. Being a parent is not for everyone, but it's perfect for me.

Angel head, you have a beautiful life. Thank God, I pray for you and yours. ~blissful

 

[Maverick2272]

Oh, and Maverick...I'm going to go post about early puberty in another thread and post a link if you are interested.

Edit: Early Puberty thread

Cool, I think it is a very interesting topic, one of many such things parents have to consider and deal with in todays world.

Sometimes I wish for the 'Good Ol Days', then I realize there is no way I am washing clothes by hand...

 

[Fisher's Mom]

Agreed, but suzy, pregnancy is one of those things that happens accidentally even in this day and age. (OK, and lets not do the prolife vs prochoice debate here.) The point I'm making is rather that when "accidents" happen sometimes you just need to step up.

This is a great point, Alix. I think many of us here at DC would be amused to find out how many of our parents were "surprised" to have us. Thankfully, with birth control being widely available and in many forms, there aren't so many surprises in life. But I have always told my children to make sure when they are deciding about whether or not to have an intimate relationship with someone, think really hard about it. Make sure it is someone you could see every day for at least the next 18 or so years because there is always a chance of pregnancy, no matter how careful you are. If you don't think the person you wanna fall in the sack with would be a good co-parent with you if the unexpected happens, maybe you don't want to do this.

 

[Bigjim68]

I think that is the best advice you could give anyone. If I offered you a job that you could not get out of for 18 years, required 24/7, had no benefits, no vacations, and then asked you to pay me instead of the other way around, you would think I was nuts. Yet that is parenthood.

 

[expatgirl]

I had a high school (chemistry, biology, health) teacher, Mrs Swartz, who was the coolest teacher around. She'd be in her 90's now and I know that she is still alive and ticking somewhere..........Mrs. S said that in her classroom we laid sex right on the table and she did.........just spelled it out.......... She preached that having kids is a commitment for at least the next 18 years of your life........decide if you want to make that commitment......did give pause to me that's for sure........my parents had 4 under the age of 5 until they figured it out and I was probably on the honeymoon with them as I was born exactly 9 months later..............as old wise Mrs. S would say......give your parents a break......they are just a couple of dumb kids who got married once.......she was so funny and I idolized her as you can tell.......so wise.......a Gemini, by the way Anyway, if it's going to happen it's going to happen......just be ready to deal with it whatever you decide and I like Fisher's Mom comment of making sure it's someone that you're compatible with if possible... no birth control is 100% foolproof........and guess what as it happened to us with our oldest son most parents will help out........they might be shell-shocked like we were but most will help out if they can...we adore our 5 yr. old granddaughter today.........our son and his wife still can stand the sight of each other and seem to work well together so I guess that's a thumb's up

 

[suzyQ3]

But I have always told my children to make sure when they are deciding about whether or not to have an intimate relationship with someone, think really hard about it. Make sure it is someone you could see every day for at least the next 18 or so years because there is always a chance of pregnancy, no matter how careful you are. If you don't think the person you wanna fall in the sack with would be a good co-parent with you if the unexpected happens, maybe you don't want to do this.

Excellent advice, and I'm sure I expressed similar sentiments to my daughter when she was a teen. But here's the thing, expatgirl, most adolescents, under the sway not only of hormones but all sorts of pressures, will most likely not take such advice under consideration at that crucial moment. They just won't.

So IMO, the emphasis on effective birth control measures should take center stage, regardless of their imperfect record.

 

[jpmcgrew]

I think birth control has a good record but it is only as good as the person using it. If you don't follow instructions you raise your chances of conceiving. And then there are the stupid females that believe if they get pregnant they will be able to hang on the man that will not commit to them in the first place. Major mistake and a major really stupid bad reason to have a kid.

 

[Fisher's Mom]

But I have always told my children to make sure when they are deciding about whether or not to have an intimate relationship with someone, think really hard about it. Make sure it is someone you could see every day for at least the next 18 or so years because there is always a chance of pregnancy, no matter how careful you are. If you don't think the person you wanna fall in the sack with would be a good co-parent with you if the unexpected happens, maybe you don't want to do this.

Excellent advice, and I'm sure I expressed similar sentiments to my daughter when she was a teen. But here's the thing, expatgirl, most adolescents, under the sway not only of hormones but all sorts of pressures, will most likely not take such advice under consideration at that crucial moment. They just won't.

So IMO, the emphasis on effective birth control measures should take center stage, regardless of their imperfect record.

I agree 100% that a solid working knowledge of birth control should be something every teen has.

In my own case, I can't count the number of teens who have sat at my table while I demonstrated the "putting the condom on the banana" thing. My own kids would bring home their friends who were getting serious with their boyfriends/girlfriends and say "Mom, Mom, show them the banana thing". I would look them straight in the eye while I explained the whole thing, using all of the correct terms. Almost 100% of them would turn red and be unable to look at me or giggle nervously. Then I would tell them that intimacy was serious business. Indeed, your very life could depend upon how you handle this. If you can't handle even looking at a condom or discuss how to use one properly so that it won't "fail", then sex probably isn't something you are ready for.

But I also felt that it was important to explain the larger consequences of intimacy. So many teens are led to believe it is the only and the best way to express love.

For my sons' friends, I would explain that a guy who truly loves a girl will care enough about her to protect her from consequences that may be more than she can handle and could affect the rest of her life. I would tell them that the real measure of a man is not how much "love" he gets, but how he protects those he loves. That includes his family, who would also be forever affected by an unintentional pregnancy. It's been my experience that teens are not only driven by hormones, but by emotions too.

I don't know how all of them turned out but as far as I know, none of the kids who sat at my table had children in their teens. I don't know if they avoided sexual activity or not. And I eventually stopped being referred to as the banana lady. (Actually, it may have worked too well because I have 7 children - 4 of whom are adult and 3 are in their 30s - and I have no grandchildren yet!!!!!)

 

[Maverick2272]

I agree 100% that a solid working knowledge of birth control should be something every teen has.

In my own case, I can't count the number of teens who have sat at my table while I demonstrated the "putting the condom on the banana" thing. My own kids would bring home their friends who were getting serious with their boyfriends/girlfriends and say "Mom, Mom, show them the banana thing". I would look them straight in the eye while I explained the whole thing, using all of the correct terms. Almost 100% of them would turn red and be unable to look at me or giggle nervously. Then I would tell them that intimacy was serious business. Indeed, your very life could depend upon how you handle this. If you can't handle even looking at a condom or discuss how to use one properly so that it won't "fail", then sex probably isn't something you are ready for.

But I also felt that it was important to explain the larger consequences of intimacy. So many teens are led to believe it is the only and the best way to express love.

For my sons' friends, I would explain that a guy who truly loves a girl will care enough about her to protect her from consequences that may be more than she can handle and could affect the rest of her life. I would tell them that the real measure of a man is not how much "love" he gets, but how he protects those he loves. That includes his family, who would also be forever affected by an unintentional pregnancy. It's been my experience that teens are not only driven by hormones, but by emotions too.

I don't know how all of them turned out but as far as I know, none of the kids who sat at my table had children in their teens. I don't know if they avoided sexual activity or not. And I eventually stopped being referred to as the banana lady. (Actually, it may have worked too well because I have 7 children - 4 of whom are adult and 3 are in their 30s - and I have no grandchildren yet!!!!!)

Go back over the banana thing, but this time show em the wrong way to do it!

 

[suzyQ3]

I agree 100% that a solid working knowledge of birth control should be something every teen has.

In my own case, I can't count the number of teens who have sat at my table while I demonstrated the "putting the condom on the banana" thing. My own kids would bring home their friends who were getting serious with their boyfriends/girlfriends and say "Mom, Mom, show them the banana thing". I would look them straight in the eye while I explained the whole thing, using all of the correct terms. Almost 100% of them would turn red and be unable to look at me or giggle nervously. Then I would tell them that intimacy was serious business. Indeed, your very life could depend upon how you handle this. If you can't handle even looking at a condom or discuss how to use one properly so that it won't "fail", then sex probably isn't something you are ready for.

But I also felt that it was important to explain the larger consequences of intimacy. So many teens are led to believe it is the only and the best way to express love.

For my sons' friends, I would explain that a guy who truly loves a girl will care enough about her to protect her from consequences that may be more than she can handle and could affect the rest of her life. I would tell them that the real measure of a man is not how much "love" he gets, but how he protects those he loves. That includes his family, who would also be forever affected by an unintentional pregnancy. It's been my experience that teens are not only driven by hormones, but by emotions too.

I don't know how all of them turned out but as far as I know, none of the kids who sat at my table had children in their teens. I don't know if they avoided sexual activity or not. And I eventually stopped being referred to as the banana lady. (Actually, it may have worked too well because I have 7 children - 4 of whom are adult and 3 are in their 30s - and I have no grandchildren yet!!!!!)

Brilliant post, Fisher's Mom. Thank you.

 

[Fisher's Mom]

Go back over the banana thing, but this time show em the wrong way to do it!

I have told them that I'd really like at least one grandchild someday and that if they wanted to draw straws to see who had to do the deed, that was OK with me.

 

[Maverick2272]

Tell em get started soon or you know someone on DC that will let you adopt three as your grandchildren!

 

[Fisher's Mom]

Tell em get started soon or you know someone on DC that will let you adopt three as your grandchildren!

I would jump on this in a heartbeat, Mav! I've seen your kids - they are absolutely gorgeous!

 

[Maverick2272]

Aww Thanks...

Now when can I send em down there??

 

[jpmcgrew]

Here is my story, as a teenager in the early 70s and I believe it should really apply now to young girls now. I was a young really cute girl I had a lot of dates in High School and I really wanted a boyfriend really bad but I knew in my heart that if a boy that really liked me he would not press me for sex well obviously they did try to get it but I never put out as a result I got dumped all the time but to me I knew they were not into me but looking to get layed I was so smart in those days. Got teased alot as well mostly by girls they called me Prudence and Virgin Mary. Not to say when I got older I was a bit wild but I was much older then and even more wiser.

 

[Maverick2272]

Here is my story, as a teenager in the early 70s and I believe it should really apply now to young girls now. I was a young really cute girl I had a lot of dates in High School and I really wanted a boyfriend really bad but I knew in my heart that if a boy that really liked me he would not press me for sex well obviously they did try to get it but I never put out as a result I got dumped all the time but to me I knew they were not into me but looking to get layed I was so smart in those days. Got teased alot as well mostly by girls they called me Prudence and Virgin Mary. Not to say when I got older I was a bit wild but I was much older then and even more wiser.

Funny you should mention that, I actually got dumped by three girlfriends for not having sex with them. I actually had one that thought I didn't like her just because, the first time I actually met her, in a movie theater doubling with my friend and his girlfriend, I didn't put my arm around her and start making moves on her and making out with her.
Um, yea I just met her that night!?

 

[darlenemt08]

I'm 42 yrs. old and I'm single. I haven't found the right guy yet. I can't have kids and it doesn't bother me. When I was younger, I wanted 10 kids. LOL Boy, I sure don't know where my mind was then. LOL I babysat very little when I was a teenager and those kids were older kids and harder for me to control. I'm 4', 5-1/2" tall and kids who are my size & taller and, 8 yrs. & up are usually harder for me to control. As an adult, I accidentally fell into babysitting for a living and I did it for 17 yrs. Throughout that time, I learned to change diapers. YUCK!!! Heck, I'd NEVER changed diapers while growing up! My mom, dad, older sisters, or other adult
changed my younger brother's diapers. I still have trouble changing messy diapers & wiping butts and I have come close to throwing up many times. LOL I've learned to clean up vomit and that's worse than changing diapers. I cleaned it up and almost throwed up MANY times. Either clean it up and deal with the fact of throwing up/almost throwing up or, just leave it for the babysitting parents to clean it up after they come home and let the kids run through it. I chose to clean it up and get it over with. While cleaning up, I'd run into the other room for fresh breaths about every min. or two. LOL I also PRAYED TO GOD for help! LOL As always, He helped me through it. I lost my patience many times and my temper flaired. Almost all of the families allowed me to spank their kids...only had one who didn't allow it. I used my hand but left the spanking boards up to the parents to use after they come home. Many times, I was accidentally called "Mom" and many times, I felt like one. LOL I felt like yanking my hair out many times! LOL I've learned quickly that whatever I'd say, the kids would also say and so, I had to think before saying certain things, especially when I was angry. I was never comfortable around kids and so, I learned a lot while babysitting. I was such a good babysitter that I had a list of clients. Certain jobs were full-time and others were an occasional day or weekend job. I'm a crafter and started doing crafts with the kids. I had one family with 4 kids and the parents praised me with doing crafts with their kids. The 3 older kids' (preschool - 7 yrs.) teachers said that they saw the difference in those kids than other kids in the classes. These kids were outgoing and anxious to start crafting when it was craft time while the other kids would stand back and didn't know what to do. I shared my love of doing plastic canvas crafts with the 3 olders kids in this same family. I still do an occasional craft with my nieces & nephews. I've seen the changes in the kids whom I've babysat for. I've watched certain ones in my area grow up over the years and have gone to a few graduations. Boy, that makes me feel a bit older. LOL

Babysitting showed me that I don't want kids...well, at least not babies or toddler age. Once the right guy comes along, I'd be willing to adopt an older child. I'd love to have somebody to do crafts with or cook with. I love to cook & bake and it'd be nice to share that with a child. It's OK if my future husband has a child or two. If they're well-behaved, that'd be great. If not, I may grow gray hair faster. LOL I'd deal with it IF I cross that bridge.

My 3 dogs are my "kids". I've shared a house with my older sister for the past 21 yrs. and we've had at least 1 dog for most of those years but our family slowly grew. My dogs drive me nuts many times but I have trouble saying 'no' or punishing them when they give me those special looks. You can do things with dogs that you can't with kids. I love coming home from wherever and there's all 3 barking at me with the youngest screaming. LOL My mom & dad have accepted the fact that my sister's & my dogs are our "kids" and they're also their "granddogs". Our parents have also pretty much accepted the fact that my sister & I don't plan to give them grandkids. My 2 mottoes in my signature says what I think of dogs.

Early in my sister's & my adult years, we both would get asked about why we weren't married and didn't have kids. Finally, my sister came up with something to shut certain female cousins up. She said that getting married is our business. She said that if we wanted to have kids, we would have had them. We're not in abusive relationships, divorced, single & pregnant, live on welfare, have AIDS or other diseases. We're happy being single and without kids.

I don't care what others think when they're wondering if I'm going to have kids whenever I get married. It's MY business what I do with my life. It's between GOD & me, NOT them & me. For those who want kids and can't have them, I feel sad for you. I know of women who can't get pregnant and really want to have their own kids. If adoption is an option, go for it. Try adopting older kids and show them that they CAN be adopted at their age. For those who chooses not to have kids, I stand behind you. It's YOUR decision to decide not to have kids, NOT others. Just don't let others try to force you into having kids just because they've got them or your parents are pestering you to have them.

Well, that's it from lil' ol' me.

Darlene

 

[PytnPlace]

I always wanted kids, ever since I can remember. Just had a strong maternal instiinct, I guess. And I was fortunate to have two, done having babies by 25. Now they are grown and I'm still relatively young (forties). It was tough when they flew the coop, but now I'm loving life.

My heart goes out to those that struggle to concieve. And I have a HUGE respect for those that decide that parenting is not something they desire and make sure it doesn't happen. Being a mom is an experience I treasure for many reasons. But we are all wired differently. Kudo's to you that make a conscious decision NOT to be a parent. I wish more people were as wise.

 

[blissful]

Fisher's Mom, you are way cool. I had the same talks with my teenagers (while the 10 year old overheard the talk). They called me the condom lady. I used a rootbeer bottle, though the banana would have worked, had we had bananas in the house that day. The neighborhood boys would take condoms from the medicine cabinet--better safe than sorry.
Later that day, the 10 year old is making on a comment on something completely unrelated, and he says 'That makes condom sense'.........we all burst out laughing. Poor kid can't live that one down and he's 17 now.

 

[expatgirl]

Fisher's Mom, you are way cool. I had the same talks with my teenagers (while the 10 year old overheard the talk). They called me the condom lady. I used a rootbeer bottle, though the banana would have worked, had we had bananas in the house that day. The neighborhood boys would take condoms from the medicine cabinet--better safe than sorry.
Later that day, the 10 year old is making on a comment on something completely unrelated, and he says 'That makes condom sense'.........we all burst out laughing. Poor kid can't live that one down and he's 17 now.

too funny........is that a slip of the banana peel?

My foot was halfway in the nunnery when I married........used to wrap a towel around my head and give out Holy Communion in the neighborhood---thought I wanted to be a nun for the longest time........boy did my dad get some phone calls But, I also knew thanks to Mrs. Schwartz in high school that it takes only one time and you can become a parent for the next 18 years of your life......no way was it happening to me.....oldest of 5 and had very little as a result and had to babysit thru my teens (most exciting experience was having a toddler throw up in my waist length hair--every strand was covered and also the fountains of urine splashed in my face when changing a boy--I swear that they knew what they were doing).......no way was I going to be tied down with kids.........had to be talked into my first one at age 28......really didn't want any until I had my goddaughter and then I wanted one......but we were financially independent by then, too, with both of us having worked for 8 years...... No, not until they hit their teens was there a wee bit of regret.....but that too did pass......now my two are great adults......

I'll be the first to defend anyone's rights to choose for themselves........