Cranberries vs. Hubby - Round 1

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Janet H

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Today is the Friday after Thanksgiving and yesterday (T-day 2012) was a whir of tense activity. I spent Thanksgiving morning telling myself, the day would become one of those "special" family stories and that down the road, I'd look back on it with a rosy view....

Several weeks ago my food processor died. I've been through several in the past few years and just couldn't bring myself to buy another under-powered, under-built collection of plastic parts that take up a huge amount of storage space and deliver unimpressive results. So I did some shopping, some reading up, asked friends and you all about how to proceed and mostly.... I procrastinated. I admit it.

Last Sunday it dawned on me that we were having a pile of folks for Thanksgiving dinner and that as usual, my DH would be making his much loved cranberry relish (in large quantity) and WE HAD NO FOOD PROCESSOR! I made a command decision and ordered a robot coup Magimix with an extra set of fancy blades from the nice lady on the phone at Williams Sonoma.

Finally - a grown up food processor! Yes, it was expensive but hey - they had a sale and I had a coupon and a 25.00 gift certificate and best of all they offered next day Air shipping. The nice lady assured me that it would arrive in ample time, after all overnight means one night and it's only Sunday. They would ship Monday and I could expect my new fancy cranberry chopping tool on Tuesday. Good. I am happy. Poor, but happy.

My DH was happy as well. He read the specs on the motor size and bowl capacity and agreed that it looked like fine, big, manly motor and surely up to the task of making his famous relish. He congratulated me on finally making a decision and taking the bull by the horns and applauded my thrifty use of a coupon, finding a sale and handing over my gift card to lessen the pain of a spendy investment. He pointed out that good tools are worth a little more and that I would be very happy with the new tool. Then he headed off to the store to buy another 2 lbs of cranberries. :ermm:

Tuesday finally arrives. I listen for the delivery truck but no joy, no truck. I am nervous. DH on the other hand is cool, collected; he has faith in that nice lady from Williams Sonoma and in the brown truck guys. He reviews his recipe, lines up his 1 orange, 2 apples and the cloves, brown sugar and walnuts that go into the relish. Then he calmly sits down and rereads the specs for the processor that hasn't arrived. "So he'll be ready" he says.

Over dinner he tells me all about it. Did I know it's made in France? Has an awesome warranty? Used by professionals worldwide... Did I know that the box weighs 26 lbs?

He is obsessed and I am worried. Thanksgiving is two days away. The fridge is stuffed, the guests are invited, two have called to ask if they could bring an extra friend along for dinner. I told my DH during dinner and he beams. More will be fun, he says - and they will LOVE my relish. After dinner he goes off to the store for one more bag of cranberries. :ohmy:

Wednesday morning I call the nice lady from Williams Sonoma and ask about my order. After some checking she assures me that it was shipped out on-time and scheduled for delivery today. She gave me the tracking numbers so I could watch the progress myself. I am calmer.

4:30 PM. I hear the truck. The dogs bark and the bell rings. Before I can get to the door the truck pulls away - they are in a hurry. I open the door and there is a box. Small, light... it's not big enough. Oh no.....
The box contains blades! Seriously? Only blades?!

When DH gets home I sit him down and let him know that the nice lady from Williams Sonoma was umm... mistaken, deluded, a lying w**** and that we need a new plan. I offer some options:

1. Turn off the lights tomorrow and lock the door - pretend we're not home.
2. I can try to borrow a processor
3. I can go buy a really cheap one.
4. I can dice a lot of berries and he can help.
5. We could use that weird shredding thing that came with our KitchenAid mixer and see if that works.

I show him the parts and he is hesitant but says - no worries, I can cope.... "I got it"
Hmm... :huh:

Early Thursday morning I stumble in to the coffee pot and am surprised to see my DH with a giant bowl of washed berries and a box grater. I'm barely awake but the coffee is good and still hot and I'll just sit in the rocker with my coffee for a few minutes and try to figure out why my DH is grating berries one by one by one... I'm not really awake.

"Where are the band-aides" "Where are the band-aides" "DO WE HAVE ANY band-aides"

OH.... he's talking to ME! :eek:

DH has added part of his finger to the cranberry mash. I get him fixed up, dump the meat laced berries and get out the mixer and that funky shredding attachment.

Man-ish Power tool paradigms:
Bigger is better.​
Faster is better.​
Manuals and directions are a waste of time.​
DH is flustered. He's been bested by a box grater and we have guests coming to bask in the awesomeness of his fine relish. He must not disappoint them. There is no time for reading the manual about how to use the weird shredder attachment. After all there's a giant bowl of berries and once grated they have to soak in their juices for 4 hours prior to service - time is slipping past.....

He puts on the attachment, cinches down the thumb screw (grunting as he gives it an extra turn), pours berries in the hopper on the top, flips the mixer on to HIGH and then reaches for something to catch the ground berries, letting go of the lid on the hopper.

Berries spring from the top and gush (already mashed) from the bottom in an instant. They hit the ceiling AND the floor, whole ones up high, mashed below and some even shoot straight out of the KitchenAide towards the wall. Never underestimate the power of a KitchenAid on high and never, ever turn your back on it. Red juice everywhere! Berries bouncing across the floor, slippery, sticky mash underfoot, cranberry EVERYWHERE! Like a scene from I Love Lucy.

Sigh.... I bet that nice lady from Williams Sonoma has a clean kitchen today.

Broom, mop, towels and 30 minutes later he tries again. This time, slowly, cautiously; chastened by the power and dangerous possibilities of the mixer, he successfully makes relish.

A few hours later company arrives, dinner is delicious and of course the relish is fabulous. His friends ask about the amazing relish - how did you learn, how do you do it? He smiles and gives careful directions to make relish with a mixer and shredder attachment and even mentions that you should always start the mixer slowly after-all the best things in life are worth waiting for. :angel:

I'm still waiting for my new food processor......
 
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Great story, Janet. Sorry it didn't work out for you. You and DH had the smarts to come up with an alternative.

So,... do we get the recipe or what?
 
So,... do we get the recipe or what?

There isn't exactly a recipe but this is the ingredient list

Fresh cranberries - 1 lb
1 fresh, lovely crisp apple (with skin)
Some fresh orange rind, finely shredded and some of the juice
Dark brown sugar
walnuts
ground cinnamon
a little ground clove

Grind up the fruit, berries and walnuts and add sugar and seasonings to taste. Chill for several hours before eating.

:flowers:
 
Oh my gosh, great story! You should send it in to a cooking magazine for next November.
 
Something funky is going on in the land of shipping...

I ordered a hard drive for a project, I received 2 cordless phones instead...

I had the time set aside for this project, so this was a kink in that plan. Upside, Newegg.com gave me a $25 gift card for my trouble, so the item will be a very good deal in the end.

I loved the story, and your husband's positive attitude!
 
I am sorry about your woes but dang ... that was the funniest story .. I had tears from laughing so hard. Hubby wanted to know why I was crying, dogs are leaning on me as if to comfort me and I am just locked up with laughter .. thanks for a great story :ROFLMAO:

I hope your machine shows up and is more than you expected.
 
Great story- Have you gotten it yet? - I would be calling that nice lady everyday and explain to her what over night meant. Get a refund on the shipping.
I agree must submit to a magazine etc. Taste of home has alot of these kind of stories. Send it in to the show The Chew.
 
I'm that guy that appreciates a funny story or yarn. 99 time out of a hundred, you'll get me to crack sideways smile, and a chuckle. I don't laugh easily, and never at crude, or shock humor. Janet, you made me laugh out loud. I so love laughing out loud. It cleanses me, and reminds me that in spite of all that's wrong with the world, good people can make it right.

That story was awe inspiring, and fun to read. Thanks.

Chief Longwind of the North
 
Well, one thing was right. You will have a story in years to come to retell over and over. And you have PF spitting at Shrek. :angel:
 
An update... The food processor has arrived (finally) and I can't wait to try it out :)
 
An update... The food processor has arrived (finally) and I can't wait to try it out :)

Happy cooking Janet. Tell hubby he can't use it until he reads the manual front to back. Then when you have a question, you can make him feel good and ask his advice.

P.S. Don't forget to thank the nice lady at WS. :angel:
 
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After making cranberry relish in the blender a few times, with the top flying off and the kitchen getting all red, I started grinding it with a hand blender. Cheap and does the job without too much mess.
 
An update... we are a few days away from Thanksgiving 2013 and yesterday DH came home with 4 giant costco sized bags of cranberries.

As noted in earlier posts, I ordered a new food processor last year that arrived too late to use for Thanksgiving prep. It's been here for a year and while I've used it heavily, my DH has not. It turns out this has been bothering him and so he got extra berries so he can practice in advance of the big day. After all, Thanksgiving is all about the cranberry relish!

I'll keep you posted on his progress.... :ohmy:
 
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