How to Duplicate a Red's Tamale
I, too, remember Red's Tamales and have been experiencing unnatural cravings for them these past few weeks.
Some guidelines to recreate their flavor:
The filling must contain more beans than meat.
(Let's face it, these were not a premium product and, therefore, beans were a more likely ingredient than something so prohibitively expensive as 50% fat ground "beef".)
To get the original flavor, whatever filling you use must have a good dose of yellow corn flour (masa) incorporated into it.
It will probably help to use a very ordinary grade of chili powder. No high falutin' spices, eh?
(Remember, Alice Waters was still wearing short pants back then.)
Starting with a twice-ground batch of hamburger will probably help.
(Use the finest plate on your Kitchen-Aid meat grinding attachment and, if anything, run some raw onion through it mashed into the ground beef.)
Cook up some pintos or use Ranch Style (in the black can) beans. If you use the Ranch Style beans, make sure to cut back on the chili powder.
(The secret to Ranch Style beans is a boat load of paprika, some sugar and a skosh of vinegar along with ordinary chili powder plus extra garlic and onion powder.)
Once you have the bean and meat mixture thickened with the yellow corn masa, use a stick (immersion) blender to whale the daylights out of it.
(Remember, Red's Tamales were most likely manufactured using an old, re-purposed retread tire extrusion molding press.)
Buy some hoyas (corn husks) and a pound of pre-mixed tamale masa at your local mercado.
(Now is definitely NOT the time to get all fancy pants and original with this recipe.)
Pre-soak the hoyas and let the filling assume room temperature.
(For the most authentic flavor, overload the filling with salt until your pacemaker starts doing backflips.)
If you aren't quite able to get the flavor just right, go ahead and make some lunch with a can of those gawd-awful Hormel™ canned tamales. Then use the leftover liquid to season your weak-in-the-knees tamale filling. Hell, go ahead and just blend up the entire can and you'll prolly get a lot closer to the original flavor than this train wreck of a recipe!
(If anything, let the filling marry up overnight in your refrigerator. However, just make sure to clear out anything you value, like outdated Mayo or wilted lettuce before parking this glow-in-the-dark mystery muck in there.)
To assemble, overlap two or three pre-soaked hoyas and, using your fingers, gently spread a few tablespoons of masa out to about a 6" x 8" rectangle (or slightly larger).
(If you really want to go for the full monty, use a tortilla press to smash flat the masa so your dough will get that nostalgic shoe-leather consistency.)
Now, roll up the sucker like a Jamaican spliff and try to make sure nothing leaks out around the edges. This stuff'll take the finish off of your Corian[FONT="]™ counter top, ya hear?
(Anyone who gets all frou frou and ties up their tamales with a strand of corn husk gets to stand in the corner. Capisce?)
Place a vegetable steamer in the bottom of a large kettle and layer in the wrapped "tamales". Add some cold water and begin the steaming process.
(When cockroaches scatter and the neighborhood alley cats gather under your kitchen window and begin yowling like it's the end of the world as we know it, your batch of "tamales" is about ready.)
For the best flavor, serve on a laminated three pocket cafeteria tray with plastic utensils and have someone steal a couple of quarters from you before sitting down.
(No applause, just throw money.)
Disclaimer: The previous document contains forward looking statements that in no way should be confused with an actual recipe or construed as describing anything that is remotely edible, much less incapable of causing debilitating food poisoning. Any attempts to recover damages (physical or mental), hospitalization costs or medical fees will be met with derisive, hysterical laughter and result in you being taunted a second time.
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Oh yes! Red's tamales were great. We could get them when I lived in Modesto about 20 years ago, but I haven't seen them since.
