mav, again, i'm sorry you seem to have taken offense to my post.
i thought about it afterwards, and figured that you were probably the one who would be making the most sacrifices.
but you mentioned your kids in your original vent as an afterthought. to quote "And then there's the kids". i just thought you might need, like i said, a wake up call to make sure you have your priorities straight as you wallow in yoiur self pity.
now, i hope you understand the reason i'm being so harsh about this is that i've been through almost the same exact things. except that it was before we had our son. but a lot of that stuff carried over.
while i wallowed, my dad talked to me just the way i wrote to you. looking back, i realized that i really needed it. lol, in fact, my post sounds an awful lot like i became my dad for a few minutes there.
anyway, the point i was making that seems to have been lost is that the ONLY important matter is that you need to provide a stable environment for your kids, at all times. if your wife is that messed up, you might have to bite the bullet and force this issue.
the worst part is that you can't ask your kids what they want. as you've said, they don't know the entire situation, and will (should) never know the pain in your heart from it. you are going to have to do this by yourself. (btw, we all carry around baggage in our hearts. it's about how you deal with it, and hopefully let it go in time)
co-habitating is something that never works, from my experiences. ok, well, it may for some people, but not when there's been truely hurtful things done and said. it would be difficult to stay together even if she was apologizing and trying to make up for it, nevermind continuing to say worse things.
and once a cheater, always a cheater.
so, that's my 2 cents. i will respect your wishes to let this go, if you want. but realize that everyone who responded to your vent had your best intentions in mind, and are trying to be supportive, myself included.
you have a tough road ahead, so if you need someone to talk to you like my dad does, you know i'm here.