Empty nest advice needed

[GB]

I am sure that he will appreciate that and will see that you are doing your best to treat him as an adult even though he is and always will be your kid. Hopefully he will return the same respect by coming home at a reasonable hour and telling you to the best of his ability when he will be in for the night.

 

[pdswife]

keep your fingers crossed!! lol!!!

 

[Ellen]

LOL, no a few nights on the floor will not hurt him. All mine live away. The youngest in one of the flats beside the main building here. I am lucky to see him once a week and he is only 100 yards away. My daughter has a house out in the wop wops, about an hour from here, she did come back after living away, and nearly drove me mad. The middle man moved away, for several years, then moved back while he was at university. He has been completely independant since. The youngest moved away when he about 17, then came home too, now he is in the flat.

I wouldn't like them to come home now for any length of time, and would not do the laundry for them. I think your rules are fair, and your son has a jolly good deal.

 

[SizzlininIN]

Thats a tough one pds. I can't say how I'd handle it until I was put in the situation myself. But I think I'd give him the benefit of a doubt and treat him as a guest and hope and pray that he respects the rules set before him. Good luck and I hope he realizes how lucky he is to be allowed to move back for the time being. Having been on his own already I'm sure he'll be eager to get back out on his own soon.

On a lighter note.........an R.V. sure would come in handy at this time. I've got one for sale .

 

[pdswife]

LOL... we've been looking at campers Sizz. Maybe an RV would work just as well.

 

[Alix]

Can I still put my two cents in? I was the one who moved back home so I could finish my University degree. My parents were happy to have me back, never charged me rent and in fact my Dad often slipped me a twenty when it was clear I was strapped for cash.

They raised me to be respectful and so I was. I knew what they didn't want me doing (spending the night at my fiance's place for example) and I never did those things. They knew I would ALWAYS be home for dinner unless I was working and I always asked before inviting anyone else to join us for dinner. I feel very blessed to have had such loving and flexible parents.

The only expectation they had of me was to do my "job" and get my degree. They let me borrow the car, their doors were always open to my friends (and they still drop by to visit my Mom now), and in short were very welcoming to all.

I hope like heck that I can be as wonderful a parent as they were.

I know that would be very hard to do pdswife, I don't know that I could do as they did, but I know I am going to try. Good luck to you, I hope it all works out with you and David.

 

[Corinne]

I've been debating on whether or not to throw in my 2 cents here for the last hour or so. I'm coming to you from a completely different perspective.

A lot of you know that my only child died in March of 2004. Before he died, the end of Shane's apt. lease was coming up within a couple months & I literally begged him to come back home. I knew he wasn't doing too well financially & morally & I just thought it was better for him to be here. His choices were to come back home or find a room-mate. I was very hopeful that he'd come here.

Yes, Seth & I enjoyed having the house to ourselves. And I worried less because sometimes "ignorance is bliss". (I married Seth when Shane was 15 so Seth was not Shane's natural father but he loved Shane as if he was.) But we both agreed that we wanted him back here & that the rules would have to change from what they were before he moved out to go to college.

GB gave you some excellent advice. We couldn't have given Shane a curfew but I would want to have some idea when he would be home. If he was going to be late or not come home, there are cell phones. GBs - you might think your mom was sound asleep when you came home but I guarantee you that she wasn't - her real sleep began when she knew you were home & safe! Shane always stuck his head in the bedroom door & let us know when he was home & that relaxed me.

T- what will make you most comfortable? Are you a worrier? If so, then David needs to do what he can to minimize your worrying! He probably won't be around all that much, anyway. The dynamics of a parent/child relationship really seem to change once the child has been out on his own for any length of time.

I hope you allow David to come back home while he needs to & embrace the time you have together.

 

[pdswife]

oh goodness.. so much advice. THANK YOU ALL!

You are all smart people!

Am I a worrier? Corinne I am the biggest worrier in the world!
David tried to tell me today that I haven't worried about him in three years and nothing should change that "just because I'm sleeping upstairs again". LOLOLOL if the boy only knew how much I've worried over the last three years. Part of the reason I'm letting him come home is because at least I'll know where he is part of the time and I'll know he's getting a few decent meals in his tummy.

He won't come home for a few days yet so I have a while to try to change my way of thinking ...if that is possible.

Thank you all again.

 

[cara]

If he is a clever person he will always tell you that it can be very late (or early?) when he comes home.. if he is earlier, don't mind.. but if the party's still going on till the morning there is no need to worry..

 

[urmaniac13]

Wow Pds.. I have lived for too many years without family, especially I have no experience with any family member as a grown up, so I am not at all qualified to give you any useful advice. I just want you to know I wish you all the best, and the arrangement will work out well for everyone. Having grown up with such an excellent, caring mother like you, I am sure David is a respectful, sensible and considerate young gentleman. Good luck to you, Paul and David!

 

[pdswife]

If he is a clever person he will always tell you that it can be very late (or early?) when he comes home.. if he is earlier, don't mind.. but if the party's still going on till the morning there is no need to worry..

That was his idea as he walked out the door last night!

 

[cara]

so he is a clever kid... no wonder, with that mother

 

[pdswife]

Thank you Licia!

 

[Claire]

I haven't read all of these entries (I will return because the subject interests me). Adults who move back into their parents' home (or a friend's home, or other relatives) should be expected to live by the rules of that home, period. If you allow otherwise, you're teaching (and yes, you are still teaching) that you don't deserve respect. Because of our military lifestyle, we have often lived with others for a week here or there. The couple of times it happened to be my parents, we:

Bought half the food.
I cooked many, if not most, of the meals.
Paid half the utilities, all of our own phone calls
I don't have brothers, so my husband has acted as if he was my father's son and done any "guy" type chores he needed help with
Treated our parents to dinners out.
Not only did our own laundry, but did the laundry of our host/parents. As in "Hey, Mom, I'm washing whites. What do you want to toss in?"

I've done this since day one whenever I happened to spend more than a couple of days with my parents or with other friends. A lot of parents tend to think they are doing something by not expecting their adult kids to help out, in hopes that the kids will be saving the money they are saving by living with them. I look at my friends, and their kids do NOT save that money.

Many friends have learned the hard way that it is much better to expect more out of their kids rather than less. A lot of kids live up -- or down -- to your expectations.

 

[pdswife]

Thanks Claire.. I'm pm you.